Are You Pretty Enough?

When I was married in my late 20s, my husband was having an affair. I saw the signs—staying out late, no more sex, not treating me nicely—but I didn’t have any proof. One night he came home around 3 a.m. and gave me a look that read, Ugh, God, you. “Really, is this our life now? What are we doing here? Why are you treating me this way?” I asked. And he replied, “I don’t know Jen. Sometimes I think you’re just not pretty enough for me.” That was an awful thing to hear. I gained 20 pounds from when we met, and had several hunches that he was not OK with that, so it wasn’t completely surprising that he was thinking this. But to hear him verbalize it—was shocking—especially from someone who was supposed to love and accept me.

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I’m happily remarried now, and in 2010 I began telling stories including the one about the end of my first marriage. My “not pretty enough” tale really resonated with people. When I decided to use yourenotprettyenough.com as my URL, I was saddened by what I found. Many people—thousands per month—were finding my site because they were searching for “What to do if you’re not pretty,” and “Am I pretty enough for anyone to love me?”

The “pretty” lens is the easiest and laziest way that we assess ourselves. If you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I look bad or ugly today,” it can sometimes lead to persistent, negative self-talk. What starts out as a not pretty enough moment can quickly lead to something more insidious, if left unchecked: not pretty = not worthy = I should hide myself away.

Author Jen Tress

To counteract that thought process, you need to replace the negative self-talk with positive affirmations—and repeat them. Liking yourself and liking the way you look, with makeup or without, is something that you have to condition yourself to do. Instead of “I look ugly,” think, “this mirror doesn’t dictate who I am.” It takes practice. That’s what I had to do. I had to see (and believe) that I was worthy, no matter what I looked like.

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To try and help other women, I have worked with universities to conduct research on beauty norms and how they affect women. I re-launched my site to provide a safe forum to explore those not pretty enough feelings in a way that is empowering. Through this, I’ve learned there are women who feel they’re not worth the effort of using makeup. When I give talks, a frequent topic is whether or not to use cosmetics. At one school a young woman said, “I don’t like wearing makeup. I just don’t think you need to.” Another woman responded, “Wait and see how you feel when you’re older.”

There are women who don’t wear makeup and don’t think it’s necessary. That’s valid. I love a gal who loves her barefaced self. There are many reasons women don’t wear makeup. Some like the way they look without it, and feel it’s better for their skin. Some feel it’s too much effort and money, or that wearing cosmetics will make them look fake. Others don’t want to give into cultural pressure as a statement. Then there are those who feel that cosmetics cover up your natural self.

In image-based Hollywood, it’s big news when Jennifer Aniston or Reese Witherspoon take on roles that call for no makeup (in the films Cake and Wild, respectively.) I believe talking about going barefaced can send a positive message. If these women—who are so publicly examined for their looks—can drop the conceit of feeling like they must wear makeup, maybe that can trickle down and allow others to feel similarly empowered.

Related: ? of Women Won’t Let Their Partners See Them Without Makeup For a Year—Really?

I am a woman who likes makeup, yet I still understand the conflict. Makeup was, and continues to be, something I use to “show up.” I don’t wear it all the time, but I do put it on for work, and then jazz it up for nighttime events. I don’t always feel like putting on lipstick or doing my hair. But I always do, and I wonder if I stop, that my co-workers or friends will think, “Wow, she’s really letting herself go.” It’s not a paranoid thought either. Studies have shown that people who wear makeup are judged as more competent.

The truth is that I find the ritual soothing, a way to help me focus on my day. Maybe I’m thinking about the presentation I’m going to give: Ack, what are my opening lines? But by the time I’m done, I look in the mirror and say to myself, “Girl, you look gooood. Go get this day!” It’s not only looks that I’m focusing on when I see my reflection. I’m also thinking, You are prepared and smart. You got this.