Ask A Dude: What’s the Minimum Men’s Routine?

Photo: Matthew Donaldson/Trunk Archive

What is the absolute minimum beauty routine you’d prescribe any dude? Is the occasional face washing and moisturizer enough?

What are you, a lumberjack?

I kid. For most guys, what you are describing is more than enough. I even skip the moisturizer (in the soft skin lottery, I got insanely lucky; I’m the offspring of a Sephardic Jew and a jar of coconut butter).

I find any notion of beauty regimen for men a little off-putting.  I think it should always come down to hygiene, and then some finishing touches. You can wrap the present in plain old newsprint, just include a nice card.  Ultimately, it’s the thought that matters, and then the gift.  So if your girl freaks out because you didn’t do that curly thing with the bow on her present, realize the issue is less with the present than the girl receiving it.

There are some super basic entries every guy should have in his ledger: soap, deodorant, toothpaste, a razor, and something to tame his hair should he put on a suit. But really, hygiene is the most important. Worry less about how you smell and more about being clean. (Translation: put down the body spray.)

Anything more should be because you want to feel like a prince (“I feel special when I wear this cologne”), because your lady or man friend asked it of you (“She likes the smell of Molton Brown”), or because you have special needs (“I have a super thick unibrow, so I pluck every day”).

People like men.  Not mannequins.  A little self-awareness goes a long way, but we should be people, not plastic.  The fact that you’re asking means that your minimum is probably more than enough.

What are guys real deal breakers when it comes to women’s makeup? You hear everything from men hate nail polish, to red lipstick is gross. Is any of it true?

We hate nail polish? Really?

I hate the following: racist jokes; bad massages; people announcing personal things, without irony, on Facebook; asking for money owed to me; loud talking on trains; blue cheese;  pirates (they are so scary and I find parrots off-putting). Nail polish on women does not even make my top 100.  Or 1000.

As for red lipstick, truth to be told: this is the most time I have ever spent thinking about it. When it comes to lipstick I’d prefer some sort of delicious candy substance, or a magical cream that grants wishes, but it’s not gross and definitely not a deal breaker.

I’d love to claim that real guys do not give a sh*t, but every time I’ve said this publicly my female friends have laughed in my face and said different version of “Trust us: you would notice if we weren’t wearing any.”

So I’m caught between a rock and a hard place, because I’d like to tell you “less is more” but as my lady friends’ laughter rings through my ears, I know I should defer to the expert: you.

You already know this, but let me drive it home: confidence is the most potent aphrodisiac.  Whatever you wear—red lipstick, blush, clown makeup, or nothing at all—wear it for you, not for a guy. That’s really the only deal breaker, when we know it’s makeup we’re looking at, and not really you.