Diary of a Juice Cleanse
Photo: Henry Leutwyler
About four years ago, I read an article in New York Times Magazine about this teeny juice shop in the East Village called the Juice Press. The author talked about how life-changing her cleanse experience was—detox, weight-loss, brighter eyes and skin—it all sounded like something I needed. Given that I grew up with a mom who gave us homemade carrot and celery juice every morning, I knew all about the benefits of vegetable juices. I headed downtown, talked to the owner, and got a customized cleanse. The juices were completely disgusting and unappetizing. But after three days, I lost six pounds. My eyes were bright, my skin looked amazing, and I lost all craving for sugar. The weight stayed off. And I kick started healthier eating habits. Pretty good for 3-days.
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Fast-forward to today where juice emporiums are everywhere (the Juice Press now has a location four blocks from my house), and facing a bit of backlash. Critics claim that juicing is totally unnecessary, way too pricey, and dangerous. But over the holidays I saw a picture of myself taken immediately after I did that first cleanse—I really did look glowing—my skin looked radiant, lifted, and lovely. So I was inspired to give it a shot again. I could use some radiant skin.
How did it go? Not well.
DAY 1:
7:30 AM I haven’t even started and I’ve already messed up. Apparently, you’re supposed to ease into juice cleansing. Stop boozing for a couple of days, eat everything whole, healthy, and clean. And then subsist on only juice. Except, last night I thought, I’m gonna be so healthy tomorrow, so tonight not so much. Tonight I choose to subsist on vodka.
8:15 AM: I am one of the masses in the long line at Juice Press of January juicers. The guys in front of me have an earnest conversation about how it is “so important to detox, dude.” This is what everyone says when they juice fast. Just know that detox really means ‘lose weight’.
8:30 AM: I line up the six recommended juices from the NYC Juice Cleanse, and only one doesn’t have sugar in it. This is a change from their East Village days.Of the three recommended green juices, two also have pear, apple, and or pineapple juice. Given that all health experts want to talk about these days are the evils of sugar including in juice form, I reluctantly swap those out for purely vegetable juices. However, I’m not totally virtuous. The idea of only drinking green juice seems really unappetizing, so I keep three of the drinks that contain fruit. 50/50 should be good enough right?
8:55 AM: Juice fasting is so easy and delicious! I start with Glo which perfectly combines grapefruit, lemon, and orange juice. Why do people complain about this?
10:07 AM: I have a headache. I’ve read this means I am truly detoxing, so for a brief moment I feel like I am accomplishing something important. I’m becoming healthier! Then I realize my pounding head could also be the result last night’s vodka.
12:33 PM: Lunch arrives…for my coworkers. Ravenous, everything they are eating calls to me. The blue cheese in Alex’s salad. The white rice in Joanna’s sushi roll. Joanna also gets way too much miso soup, so she insists I have some. Hey it’s liquid. I do it. Only three juices in and I’m a cheater.
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1:15 PM: Despite my cheat, I’m still starving and I have only three juices left. How am I supposed to subsist on only three more juices over the course of 10 hours? I decide best plan is to wait another three hours before having another juice.
1:25 PM: Thank god I never got into drugs, I have no willpower. I open up another juice. It’s enticingly called Anti-Aging. It pairs Cucumber and E3 live. I take a sip and gag. It so disgusting, I can’t imagine finishing it. I lose my appetite completely.
8:00 PM: Juicing is horrible and difficult! I can’t keep it up. I go online and read all the articles about why juice fasting is a terrible idea. I use this as an excuse to eat. I ask my husband to pick up an avocado for me when he walks the dog. I have major fantasies about that avocado while he’s out.
8:30 PM: Avocado arrives. My hubby puts it in the kitchen. I do a happy dance. Then I touch it. It’s not ripe. There’s a lot of silent cursing.
9:45 PM: Weigh myself before bed. Gained a pound. Eyes are totally red. Skin eh. Why am I doing this again?
11:00PM: Feel totally nauseous. Craving a cracker. Give in. Have three. They are the best tasting things ever—no wonder they have the adjective gourmet on the box. The only reason I don’t eat more is because I am writing this article.
DAY TWO
7:00AM: Wake up nauseous, but not hungry.
8:30 AM: My husband bought me a green juice for the morning. I drink it on the bus—delicious. Read the label. It has 40 grams of sugar. 1 gram more than a Coke.
9:30 AM: Run into the Editor of Yahoo Health, Michele Promaulayko. Ask her for her take on juice fasts. She tells me she thinks they are good for a reset, but warns me about how high in calories and sugar most of them are. She steers me to Green Symphony, a local vegetarian shop that makes fresh juices. I decide to go rogue.
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11:30 AM: At Green Symphony and thrilled. Not only are the juices half the price of the juice chains, but they will customize anything. I order two celery, kale, spinach, green pepper, broccoli juices. There is actual vegetable pulp in them and no apple juice. Of course, there are no nutritional labels either…
1:45 PM: A Vidal Sassoon PR rep arrives in the office with a hunky male model and cupcakes. Two of my favorite things. Have to pass on both. Sigh.
2:05 PM: Make my thousandth trip to the bathroom to pee. Note to self, juice fasting is probably not a good thing to do when you have to accomplish anything.
8:07 PM: Thanks to science class my son comes home with a question for me: He wants to know how babies get in moms. If there was ever a night for a cocktail this is it. All I have is a beet carrot ginger blend for The Talk. Not that helpful.
9:00 PM: Exhausted. Look in the mirror and eyes are red. Skin is breaking out. Weigh myself. Have lost one pound. Why am I doing this again?
DAY THREE
7:30 AM: Wake up exhausted. Look terrible. Where is the glowing skin? Where are the bright eyes? Where is the slimmed down stomach? The Gisele body? Not here.
9:00 AM: Sipping on the horrible tasting but all-veggie blend, The Meal from Juice Press, I realize I am no longer hungry.
11:10 AM: Have major typo in an interview that I am about to post to the site. I credit this to the fact that I feel so exhausted, spacey, and generally not on top of things. Realize this is because I am voluntarily starving myself. Why am I doing this again? Glowing skin? When is that happening?
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12:47 PM: “Want some chocolate?” More than you will ever know. I reluctantly say no to my coworkers and head to the kitchen to pound water.
2:00 PM: I have the answer as to why this is not working! I am old. In Rose-Marie Swift the founder of RMS Beauty’s interview for The Cut she provides an answer as to why I am not seeing the same results I did four years ago. States Swift on juice cleansing, “I did notice when I fasted, my skin would appear brighter. My whole face would lift. Unfortunately, with fasting, when you get older you have to be really careful. Like if I were to do it now, my face would fall because I’m too old. Fasting when you get to be my age is not good, just because the skin doesn’t have as much elasticity.” Why did this article not come out before I started?
4:47 PM: Just interviewed Dr. Frank Lipman for Yahoo Beauty about his new book The New Health Rules. There very clearly stated on page 173 he says, “A Juice Fast is Not a Detox.” Apparently the whole point is to rest the digestive system. To be honest, I’m not that worried about my digestive system, I was just after beautiful skin.
8:00PM: Exhausted, cranky, tired. Vow to never juice again. Then I step on the scale. Maybe I’ve lost a few pounds and it will all seem worth it….. Actually no. I have lost exactly one pound, which will probably be back by morning.
DAY FOUR
8:00 AM I am convinced that I will wake up and everything I’ve been working for will be apparent. But no. Weight is the same. Skin is worse. Wow those circles are dark. Plus I am more exhausted than ever.
8:25 AM: I look again at that picture of myself right after the initial cleanse. Is that self tanner? Oh that’s right, I put on self tanner that week. It hits me. The reason for my glow wasn’t the juice fast, it was Clarins. I reach into my medicine cabinet. That’s a whole lot easier than juice fasting.
