I Think It's Wrong to Pierce My Baby Daughter's Ears
When my baby was born, she was assigned female by the hospital. With that gender assignment came a lot of expectations - pink clothing, dresses, and bows in her hair.
It's turned out that, as she's gotten old enough to express her own likes and dislikes, her gender presentation is in line with all things stereotypically feminine. She loves dresses and jewelry and everything pink. I've fully supported her self-expression, but there's one place where I've drawn the line.
I was prepared to answer questions from strangers and other parents about gender expression when I brought my child into this world, knowing that I wanted her to be self-sufficient and self-determining. What I was not prepared for, however, was the number of times I'd have to answer questions about when I was going to pierce my baby's ears.
The thought of piercing my infant child's ears had never crossed my mind. I recognize it as a cultural practice in some families, but it is not in mine. I did have my ears pierced as a baby, but not because of its cultural relevance; my mother simply liked the way it looked. And while I was not emotionally scarred by the experience nor do I wish it hadn't been done, it was not a decision I was prepared to make for my own child.
For me, this came down to two core beliefs: One was that I knew that babies could feel pain. I saw it when our daughter was a few hours old and had to have an IV inserted, and again a few days later when her skin accidentally got pinched in the buckle of her bouncy seat. Not only can babies feel pain, but without the ability to understand why they're in pain, it seemed especially cruel to put her through that experience.
My major reason for not wanting to pierce her ears is simple - in our house, we believe in bodily autonomy and consent. To me, what that means is that everyone has the right to decide what happens to their body (aside from necessary health and safety things, like vaccines or being strapped into a car seat, obviously). I didn't feel that it was up to me to decide whether or not my daughter got her ears pierced. In our family, that would have been a purely cosmetic change to her body, as decided by me. I view it as a decision that she can make for herself when she's old enough to both express a desire for the piercing and understand what the process of having it done will entail. It's the same reason why I won't be cutting her hair until she asks.
To me, this doesn't seem like a radical, or even controversial, concept. But I've often found that it is. Many people are genuinely surprised when I say we're not piercing our daughter's ears unless and until she asks. The hardest part of having these conversations on the playground and in mothers' groups is that I never want to seem like the choices I've made for my child are a judgment on the choices that others choose to make for theirs.
As a parent, part of the responsibility we take on is to make decisions that we feel are best for our kids. For me, that may mean not piercing her ears or cutting her hair until she tells me she wants it done. For others, it may look completely different. It's not on me to judge the choices other parents make, but it is up to me to make the ones I feel will benefit my own baby the most.
My daughter is now two and is fascinated when I put on my jewelry. She often asks to wear necklaces, like me, so I drape strands of beads around her neck. But for now, wearing earrings like her momma isn't yet an option. I went out and bought her some stick-on earrings for the times she wants to accessorize to match me. For the time being, she is wholly satisfied with that compromise, and so am I.
In a few years time, if she asks me to take her to have her ears pierced, I'll be happy to oblige. After all, it's her body and, therefore, her choice.
