It’s Tough to Know What to Say to Someone After a Miscarriage. These Cards Can Help.
A card for pregnancy after experiencing loss
“I know how hard this must be for you, to be pregnant after your loss. I understand that you’re terrified. I’m here for you.”
A card to raise your loved one’s spirits
“I imagine you feel like sh*t right now, but I just had to remind you how wonderful I think you are.”
A card that acknowledges you didn’t know what to say
“I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I didn’t know what to say. I’ll do better. I am here.”
A card that acknowledges everyone’s miscarriage experience is different
“#IHadAMiscarriage Everyone has a different experience. I understand.”
A card that gets real about about those “kind words” said after a pregnancy loss
“The last thing you probably want to hear right now is ‘I know EXACTLY how you feel.’ ‘This happened for a REASON.’ ‘Be GRATEFUL for what you have.’ Pop in earplugs, drown out the noise, be surrounded by loving support — people who get it. I may not always know the right thing to say, but I’m gonna try. I love you like crazy!”
A card that lets your loved one know it’s OK to mourn in her own way
“Grief knows no timeline. Take all the time you need. If you want to rest, do. If you want to scream, do. If you want to distract yourself, do. If you want to cry, do. If you want to stuff your face, do. If you want to hibernate, do. If you want to go on an adventure, do. If you want to call me morning, noon, or night, do. Be gentle with yourself, do.”
A card that honors the pregnancy lost
“With heavy hearts, we lovingly honor the memory of our child who was with us too briefly.”
A card that says it all, simply
“I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I’m here always.”
Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist Jessica Zucker thought she knew everything there was to know about reproductive trauma. After all, she has a PhD in clinical psychology and a master’s degree in public health, specializing in women’s reproductive health and maternal mental health. By all accounts, Zucker is considered an expert in the field.
“I was sitting there with my patients, talking them through miscarriage postpartum, late-term abortions,” Zucker tells Yahoo Health. “All the while, I had yet to experience reproductive trauma.”
Zucker was 16 weeks into her second pregnancy in 2012 — obvious to everyone, due to her small frame — when she started spotting. Two weeks later, she miscarried. “I was home alone and the fetus came out. I had to cut the cord myself,” Zucker recalls. “Luckily, I am friends with my OB-GYN and she walked me through it.”
She would later find out her unborn child had a chromosomal abnormality. She finally experienced the feelings her patients had been describing for years. “What I heard before, and especially after, is that so many women feel guilty, ashamed, and self-blaming,” says Zucker. “Our culture creates this sense that women can control [a pregnancy].” Just not this.
Afterward, she also noticed that no one quite knew what to say or how to react to the miscarriage. Her solution: She created a line of empathy cards to reach the growing number of women who’ve experienced pregnancy loss.
Since nearly 20 percent of pregnancies end in a loss, the number of those affected is huge and underserved. “We just don’t have adequate tools to meet the need of these out-of-order losses,” Zucker explains. “When you have a fetus, it’s not in the world yet, no one knows this baby, so you’ve got a person who wanted a baby just left not knowing what will happen.”
It’s right at this moment when a mom-to-be, no longer expecting a child, needs to feel a community of support around her. She needs the right words. Yet, so often, women who’ve miscarried report feeling isolated. As Zucker resumed her work after her own reproductive trauma, she heard more and more women’s stories. “I was incredibly disheartened that we couldn’t get this right,” she says. “For instance, the level of isolation after losing a baby at 40 weeks is incredible. But after a miscarriage, so many friends or family will say, ‘I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all.’”
Zucker calls these cards “a movement,” meant to do better for all the women dealing with unplanned loss, meant to give friends and family the right words — something Zucker admits she has struggled with at times too. “There’s a card that reads: ‘I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I didn’t know what to say. I’ll do better. I am here.’ I plan to send that card to every person I know who’s been through this. I want to say more now.”
That’s not the only card in Zucker’s new line, though. The offerings range from deeply personal to irreverent. She has a stillbirth or baby loss announcement, and cards that are meant to offer support without trying to “make things feel OK, when they’re definitely not,” says Zucker.
More than anything, she wants the cards to feel validating both in the public health sphere and on a personal level. Pregnancy loss happens, it’s traumatic, it’s difficult — and we should talk about it.
Zucker hopes that when her daughter and son are at the age to have kids, our society will be better able to care for those experiencing all forms of grief and loss. “I do hope these cards widen and deepen the cultural conversation. They’re not therapy, but I’d just love to reach people,” Zucker says. “These cards are daring us to sit with the uncomfortability of what it means to be alive.”
You can purchase the empathy cards starting on Oct. 1 and participate in the conversation on Instagram with Zucker’s #IHadaMiscarriage campaign.
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