I Watched "Die Hard" For The First Time And Documented My Thoughts Along The Way

Die Hard is perhaps the most famous action movie of all time, but until today, I had never seen it. So I decided to watch it and document my thoughts along the way!

Twentieth Century Fox / Via giphy.com

Note: In light of the recent elementary school shooting in Uvalde, I feel the need to warn about the abundance of guns in this movie.

If you would like to help the people of Uvalde, you can find ways to do so here. If you would like to contact your representative about creating stricter gun laws, click here.

Here are 162 thoughts I had watching Die Hard for the first time.

1.We're starting with an on-the-plane convo between Bruce Willis and some guy, and said some guy says to make fists with your toes on a plane. What a bonkers thing to OPEN YOUR MOVIE WITH, and it's for sure gonna come back later. I love it.

2.Bruce Willis is a cop, so that means it's supposed to be okay for him to bring A GUN on a plane??? Pre-911 was wild.

3.The title card makes me realize how "Die Hard" is such an intense movie title. Jesus Christ.

4.Jimmy isn't picking up on how much Bonnie Bedelia doesn't want to go out with him. Let it go.

5.In the airport, a blonde woman in leggings just went over to a loved one and jumped in their arms, and Bruce Willis goes, "California." What am I to make of that?

6.Argyle — this limo driver — is much too fun for Bruce Willis's vibe.

7."She beat you up?" is not a joke.

8.Is this a real tower in LA? I feel like I've never seen it. Oh, but it is a real tower because it's in that Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode.

9."You score, you give me a call on the car phone." A) "score." B) car phone.

10."You have to take a leak, it'll even help you find your zipper." Oh my god. This is in a conversation about a digital directory.

11.They're really hammering home that it's Christmas time.

12."Fucking California" was said about a kiss on the cheek. What does Bruce Willis think California is?

13.Oh my god, this Ellis fellow is doing cocaine on someone else's desk during an office party. Bold move.

14.What is this weirdness from Ellis about Bonnie Bedelia's new watch? How is her watch part of a who's-the-bigger-man contest?

15.I'm fifteen minutes in and this movie is kind of slow.

16.Why do Bonnie Bedelia and Bruce Willis needs to have this big conversation about their marriage at her office Christmas party?

17.Oh my god! The man at the front desk has been shot dead!

18.One of these villains is blonde for days.

19.Alan Rickman! So happy to have you here.

20.These bad people are overdressed for winter in LA.

21.One of them just slid down a staircase using the railings! That is so cool.

22.What is the making fists of our toes thing supposed to do for you? I don't understand it.

23.I feel like you don't need a saw to cut phone lines. There's surely an easier way.

24.How did no one immediately notice the people with a bunch of guns get off the elevator?

25.Oh my god, why does this woman have to be naked during the invasion or whatever? Come on, Die Hard.

26.Interesting that Bruce Willis's response to people with guns shooting at the party was to run. I know he's gonna try to help, but still.

27.Alan Rickman is great. He is so great.

28.Alan Rickman and co. must have known who Takagi was because they know, like, everything about him. But that was a fun way for us to get that info about him.

29.Alan Rickman kind of looks like Nick Kroll — or rather, Nick Kroll kind of looks like Alan Rickman.

30.So this is, like, early computer-era fascination with computers. Amazing.

31."You want money? What kind of terrorists are you?" is a very weird thing to say. They're thieves, bro.

32."That's a very nice suit, Mr. Takagi. It would be a shame to ruin it." is a great death threat.

33.How is Bruce Willis so calmly watching this moment between Takagi and Alan Rickman when his wife is downstairs, in a room he knows is filled with bad people with guns?

34.Oh my god, he killed Takagi!

35.How did they hear Bruce Willis move fairly quietly? That's wild.

36.LOL, Argyle! Get out of your car and listen!

37.But also, how is it possible that Alan Rickman & co. didn't check if anyone was in the parking lot?

38.Just laughed out loud at Bruce Willis saying to himself, "Why the fuck didn't you stop them, John? 'Cause then you'd be dead too, asshole." Thank you movie, for that quick little very lazy recap.

39.Setting off a fire alarm to get the police to come was genius.

40.Saying "I promise I won't hurt you" while holding a gun is suspect.

41."[You won't hurt me] because you're a policeman. There are rules for policemen." "Yeah, that's what my Captain keeps telling me." Great. Great, great, great.

42.This is, like, grown-up Home Alone.

43.It's 1,000,000% a Christmas movie.

44.Alright so, Bruce Willis has officially killed a person, and there seems to be zero internal conflict about it.

45.What a weird choice to have Bruce Willis be barefoot. Why is he barefoot? I'm excited to learn why that was necessary for the story.

46.Also he had a moment of, like, meaningful eye contact with a, like, Christmas doll, and I'm curious to know why.

47.Great choice by Bruce Willis to send a message via a dead person and their sweater.

48.Oh no Karl, I know you're a bad guy but I'm sorry your brother is dead.

49.Oh my god, Bruce Willis is riding an elevator in an elevator shaft? Jesus! That is so scary.

50.I feel like I'm definitely supposed to be attracted to him. I'm not.

51.Wait, why is Alan Rickman telling Karl his brother is dead? Why do that?

52.Why aren't the 911 operators or whatever taking Bruce Willis seriously?

53.And they just heard gun shots and they're still so not taking it seriously! What is going on??

54.Reginald VelJohnson, hello! So happy to have you!

55.I feel like these gunshots on the roof would be audible to a lot of people on the ground.

56.And we have some pictures of topless women, which Bruce Willis puts his hand on and says, "girls." Why did that make the cut?

57.This movie is so '80s, in a really great way.

58.Elevator shafts are so scary.

59.Now he's in a vent with no gun. But he's alive, so, good job.

60."Now I know what a TV dinner feels like." What does that mean? I have no idea what that means.

61.Yeah sure, he survived the whole vent being shot at. That makes sense.

62.Also, wait, he does have a gun. I was wrong.

63.A Stevie Wonder joke? Jesus. Lord.

64.In front of a police officer, the fake security guard says he's bet $50 on a sports game. I don't know anything about sports betting, and maybe that's too casual for it to be illegal, but if that's illegal, what are you doing, friend?

65.There's a lot of wasting bullets.

66.I mean, don't shoot at the police car, Bruce Willis. Just shoot near it.

67."Welcome to the party, pal!" is very lame. And weirdly arrogant. And simply not the thing to say.

68.Why does Bruce Willis keep shooting at Reginald VelJohnson, making him leave? What's going on there?

69."You know my name, but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshal Dillon?" What a great line.

70."Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker." YIPPE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER! I love it!

71.Why did Bruce Willis choose Roy as his fake name?

72.I know this other police guy. Who is this actor?

73.Am I wrong for thinking Bonnie Bedelia and Alan Rickman have chemistry?

74.Wait. The hostage situation started two hours ago, so Argyle has been waiting there for two hours? What a nice person!

75.The casualness from big police boss about the body that fell out of the window is disgusting.

76.Argyle, my friend, stay in the car and do not move. You have been fine this entire time.

77.Why are there no other cars in the parking lot? Did they explain that? Like, I know there's no one else in the building but the Christmas party people, but there's a whole Christmas party.

78.Wait is this tank that the police have? This fancy car?

79.Wow, they've blown up the tank!

80.Also, I don't think it was a tank, because tanks are bigger than that, but it was some vehicle of importance.

81.Bruce Willis just said "jerk-weed" as an insult. That is not a thing.

82."Geronimo, motherfucker." So many great motherfucker quotes.

83.Whoa, gigantic explosion! Bruce Willis just caused a gigantic explosion in the bottom of the building. Dude, what a choice.

84."Eat your heart out, Channel Five." is my favorite quote of the movie. I am now going to pause the film and spend a couple minutes looking for a sweatshirt that says, "Eat your heart out, Channel Five."

85.Update: the sweatshirt in question does not exist.

86.Hans Gruber is such a stereotypical German name.

87.Anyone who uses an initial in their name, like, "This is deputy chief of police, Dwayne T. Robinson," is a monster.

88.Who uses "butt-fucked" as an insult? It's so sexist and homophobic and downright odd.

89."I love you" is a big thing to say to Bruce Willis, Reginald VelJohnson.

90.Ellis is doing cocaine in the middle of the hostage situation! That is the most unhinged thing in the entire film.

91.Also he'll be fine because he "negotiate[s] million-dollar deals for breakfast," like a real loser. But he thinks he "can handle this eurotrash," so don't worry.

92."You're very perceptive." "Eh, I want 60 Minutes." A+.

93.Ellis is using racial slurs I didn't even know were racial slurs and had to look up. Fuck off, Ellis.

94.Ellis is the most '80s character of all time.

95.Wait so, Bruce WIllis started a conversation on the walkie-talkie by groaning about a Twinkie? Just say, "Hey, can we chat?"

96.Love assuming Reginald VelJohnson's kid is going to be "Al Jr." Not every baby is a boy, folks!

97.I like that Ellis is a dick but not a big enough dick to bring Bonnie Bedelia into this.

98.Yeah, it's time Ellis died.

99.Um, okay Dwayne T. Robinson, Bruce Willis not giving Hans the detonators and Hans shooting Ellis as a response is not the same thing as Bruce Willis killing Ellis himself. Where did you train to be a police officer? I need this man's credentials.

100.I love Reginald VelJohnson. He's the best character.

101.Oh, Dwayne T. Robinson did not use the T to introduce himself to Alan Rickman. Mixing it up, I see.

102.When was the last time a woman who's not Bonnie Bedelia spoke? An hour?

103.Some random character in this movie wrote a book called Hostage Terrorist, Terrorist Hostage: A Study in Duality, which is a garbage name for a book.

104.A quick google search has told me that Die Hard means "Stockholm Syndrome" and not "Helsinki Syndrome."

105.Dwayne T. Robinson just called someone "darling" on a work call, which is fun.

106."I'm Agent Johnson. This is Special Agent Johnson. No relation." is far too funny of a joke for this movie.

107.Oh my god! Alan Rickman and Bruce Willis are meeting so much sooner than I would've guessed.

108.Alan Rickman is a genius for changing his voice and pretending to be a hostage so Bruce Willis doesn't kill him. Genius.

109.Ah, but Bruce Willis isn't telling him he's married to Bonnie Bedelia. They're both geniuses, what can I say.

110."[Being barefoot is] better than being caught with your pants down." Okay, sure, I guess. Very strange thing to say.

111.Oh my god, Bruce Willis is giving Alan Rickman a gun! This scene is so fun.

112.The gun doesn't have any bullets, because, again, Bruce Willis is a genius, pals.

113.I feel like this movie could be shorter than it is.

114.So many gunshots! Jesus Christ. Calm down.

115.Bonnie Bedelia knows Bruce Willis is alive because one of the villains is angry and "Only John can drive somebody that crazy." That's so cringey I'm not even annoyed.

116.Why is Bruce Willis's white tank now green?

117.He's barefoot because the blood from walking on glass will track, and that is some aces screenwriting right there.

118.Oh my god, I do not need to watch him pull glass out of his foot.

119.I am very glad I am not watching this movie in public because my reaction to the revelation that Reginald VelJohnson is a desk jockey because he "shot a kid" was one of very loud shock and laughter.

120.Oh my god, he shot a thirteen-year-old boy. Is the kid alive??? Why wasn't Reginald VelJohnson fired fully from being a police officer??? Or arrested???

121.I mean defund the police, people.

122.He shot a child! I am not going to get over that.

123.And Bruce Willis said "Sorry, man," as if that's the response!

124.Do office Christmas parties really take place on Christmas Eve?

125.Reginald VelJohnson and Bruce Willis are talking too casually for knowing the evil people can hear them.

126.Why is there any question over whether this movie is a Christmas movie? It absolutely is. (Even though it came out in July, LOL.)

127."This is Agent Johnson...No, this other one." Not in tone at all, despite being very funny.

128.I really like Theo — the tech terrorist.

129.In Bruce Willis's long message for Reginald VelJohnson to deliver to Bonnie Bedelia, he says, "She's heard me say 'I love you' a thousand times. She never heard me say, 'I'm sorry." How can your wife have never heard you say, "I'm sorry?" That is bananas.

130.Also, this message is kind of Bruce Willis becoming a feminist.

131.How does this movie have sequels?

132.Oh my god. This reporter threatened to call immigration on the babysitter, which is racist and disgusting.

133.I love that Bruce Willis has gradually lost his top layers throughout the movie.

134."You should've heard your brother squeal when I broke his fucking neck" is so aggressive. I don't like "squeal" being used in a fight.

135.It doesn't seem accurate to me that the FBI would be cool with losing 20–25% of the hostages, but what do I know?

136.Mr. Blonde really needs a hair thing.

137."I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna fucking cook you, and I'm gonna fucking eat you!" is not something you should say at any point, including during a fight, Bruce Willis.

138.The Johnsons are in a different movie. I think I'd like that movie, but it's not this one.

139.How is Bruce Willis outrunning bullets? That's always such a dumb movie thing.

140.Wait is Bruce Willis about to jump off the roof using a hose as a rope? Fair play.

141.Also, he says, "I promise I will never ever think about going up in a tall building again," which hasn't been a theme in the movie.

142.This scene of Bruce Willis hanging from the roof, with the blooding marks from his feet against the glass, is stellar.

143.Oh my god, he's still tied and the rope's falling! That was great.

144.What would have happened if there had been no Bruce Willis? Would anyone have died? That's not to say he's done the wrong thing, it's simply something to think about.

145.Come on, Argyle! It is your time to shine.

146.The final big moment in this movie is going to involve Christmas-themed tape, and people doubt if this is a Christmas movie?

147.Oh, the villains' plan was to pull a Money Heist and have everyone think they're dead. The genius strikes again!

148.Bruce Willis shot Alan Rickman and then blew on the tip of his gun! That's so wonderfully silly.

149.Also yeah, Alan Rickman had been shot.

150.Why does Bonnie Bedelia need help letting go of Alan Rickman's hand?

151.Alan Rickman's falling to his death! Wonderfully acted.

152.That was a weird kiss between Bruce Willis and Bonnie Bedelia.

153.How are they all safe now? Are there really no other baddies left?

154.In Bruce Willis and Reginald VelJohnson moment of meaningful eye contact, let's not forget the latter shot a kid.

155.Ugh, I don't like how much emphasis is on Bonnie Bedelia using her married name. She's going by McClane in this last scene instead of Gennaro, and the whole thing feels sketchy. There's a layer or two of anti-feminism that I'm not appreciating. Obviously, women can do whatever they want with their names, but there's a vibe of, like, "Be a good wife and love your husband by taking his name" that I wish were not present.

156.How are they still blaming Bruce Willis for Ellis's murder? That's not how anything works.

157.Reginald VelJohnson shot the final bad guy — Mr. Blonde — to save Bruce Willis, which is a victory until you remember he also shot a child.

158.What if we learned right now that Mr. Blonde were fifteen?

159.Are the Die Hard sequels about Reginald VelJohnson coming to terms with murdering a child? Is Justin Long's character in Live Free or Die Hard an adult apparition of the kid?

160.Yes, Bonnie Bedelia, punch that reporter for talking to your children! Violence is never the answer, but go you.

161.I like Bonnie Bedelia and Bruce Willis getting in Argyle's car for Argyle to drive them home, but at the same time, making Argyle work right now is evil.

162."If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year's!" Argyle, this was traumatizing. People are dead.

So that's Die Hard! I liked it, definitely glad I saw it, but I'm not in any kind of rush to watch it again. Now, to make one final point, in case you missed it, Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

Twentieth Century Fox / Via giphy.com