The 20 Funniest Lines In Caddyshack, Ranked
Caddyshack is easily one of the best sports comedies, not to mention one of the most quotable movies of all time. Whether you’re a golfer or not doesn't matter, it’s filled with lines that make you guffaw every time you hear them. Anchored by four brilliant comedic performances from Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, and Ted Knight, this list could easily be 100 quotes long. We’ve narrowed it down to the 20 best.
20. You Must’ve Been Something Before Electricity!
There are so many classic Rodney Dangerfield one-liners and insults in Caddyshack it’s hard to pick just a few, but one that has to be on any list comes during dinner at the club. As Dangerfield’s character, Al Czervik, walks past Judge Smails’ (Knight) dinner guests, insulting each as he goes, he lands his best for Mrs. Smails,
Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.
19. You Owe Me One Gumball Machine
Not every hilarious line comes from the “Big 4” of course. Bill Murray’s brother, Brian Doyle Murray, co-write the movie with director Harold Ramis and writer Douglas Kenney and made sure to give himself a classic. After Danny Noonan (Michael O'Keefe) and Tony D'Annunzio (Scott Colomby) get into a fight over the price of a Coke, Murray’s character Lou breaks it up.
You owe me one gumball machine. What's that candy wrapper doing there? Well don't you see it? Well pick it up!
18. This Isn't Russia
Many of the classic lines are between Danny and Chevy Chase’s character, Ty Webb. When Danny explains that he “has” to go to college, Ty asks why anyone has to do anything. Pretty easy for a guy born rich that plays golf all day every day.
Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so.
17. There’s A Lot Of, Badness In The World Today
To first-time viewers, Ted Knight’s amazing performance and Judge Smails might get overlooked against Chase, Murray, and Dangerfield, but Knight's performance is simply brilliant as the woefully out-of-touch judge. A character summed up well in one exchange between him and Danny before they presumably share a Fresca.
“Danny, Danny, there's a lot of, uh, well, badness in the world today. I see it in court today. I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't wanna do it, but felt I owed it to them. The most important decision you can make right now is what do you stand for, Danny? Goodness... or badness?”
16. Ahoy Polloi
Smails’ nephew Spalding (John F. Barmon Jr.) is also a source of constant joy when watching Caddyshack, with some of the most underrated moments in the whole movie. Usually, he’s being berated by his uncle, but when Danny shows up at the yacht club way overdressed, Spalding finally gets to punch down on someone, calling Danny out for his choice of outfit,
Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad
15. Mow My Lawn
In a moment when Danny thinks he’s finally being accepted by the judge as an equal, that all comes crashing down in an instant. Judge Smails’ explains he having a party to christen his new boat, and before the party, he asks Danny.
How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?
14. Who Are The Gopher’s Allies?
Hapless greenskeeper Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) might have some of the most quoted lines by people duffing around courses, but it’s his battle with the varmint infestation that occupies most of his time in the movie. Finally, at the end, a desperate Spackler decides it’s time to unleash the big guns, almost literally. He shapes two pieces of plastic explosives like friends of the gopher in an attempt to blow the animal sky-high.
I got to get into this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who's the gopher's ally? His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit.
13. Hey! You Scratched My Anchor!
Smails’ christening of his sloop “The Flying Wasp” was supposed to be a triumphant moment for the judge. Instead, his nemesis Al Czervik has other plans. In his boat with a dingy bigger than Smails’ whole boat, he tears across the lake after spotting “his buddy” at the dock posing for pictures. When Czervik finally comes to a stop just inches from the sloop, he drops his anchor straight through it, angry about the damage it does to his anchor.
12. Don’t Sell Yourself Short
In one of the funniest exchanges in the movie, Judge Smails’ confronts Ty Webb about not playing with him in a competition of the best golfers in the club. Smails implores him, “You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.” Webb's response is exactly the tone you'd expect.
Don't sell yourself short, judge. You're a tremendous slouch
11. Skinny Skiing And Bullfights
Once you've watched Caddyshack a few dozen times, you start to pick up on some of the subtler jokes, and there are a lot of them. Like the time Ty Webb tries to hit on the “innocent” Lacy Underall (Cindy Morgan), who is clearly more worldly than Ty expects. When asked what she likes to do, she certainly doesn’t seem boring,
I enjoy skinny skiing, going to bullfights on acid…
10. Kill All The Golfers
Carl Spacker doesn’t just have to battle with the gopher, he also battles with the head greenskeeper, who is apparently named Sandy. With a thick Scottish accent, Sandy’s attempts to give Carl his marching orders are lost in the pond, so to speak. While explaining to Carl that he must kill all the gophers, Carl misunderstands and offers a reasonable answer for what he thinks the request is,
Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key…
9. By Height
Before Smails’ asks Webb to join him on the course with Dr. Beeper, he learns that Ty doesn’t even keep score of his rounds. “Oh, well, how do you measure yourself with other golfers,” Smails asks. “By height,” Ty incredulously responds.
8. Pond Out Back
In one of the funniest scenes in the movie, Ty Webb finds himself forced to play through Carl’s ramshackle home. Carl seems to know that Ty lives “on Briar” and asks if he’s got a pool. Ty's response is one of the most quoted lines in the movie,
We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.
7. This Is A Hybrid
In the same scene, after Carl explains how he’s studying to become head greenskeeper and solve his credit problems, he fires up “one of those big, Bob Marley joints” to share with Ty. Carl explains that he invented the grass they are smoking, a hybrid that will get you high, and withstand the rigors of heavily-trafficked areas of a golf course. Cannonball coming!
This is a hybrid. This is a cross of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bench and northern California sinsemilla. The amazing stuff about this is that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejesus belt that night on this stuff. I got pounds of this stuff.
6. Ditch Diggers
When Danny caddies for the judge, he spends a lot of time vaguely hinting that he hopes to go to college one day, but doesn’t have the means to afford it. In a hysterical exchange between the poor caddy and the rich judge, Danny tells him he just doesn’t know how he’s going to pay for college. The ever-enlightened Smails replies with the oft-repeated line,
The world needs ditch diggers, too.
5. Do You Do Drugs, Danny?
While lamenting the same problem to Ty Webb, Danny complains about how tough life is for him. Ty asks him one question, “Do you do drugs Danny?” Danny responds, “everyday.” Ty wonders then, “what’s the problem.” Ty also confuses Danny’s name quite a bit, calling him Timmy and Betty before explaining that he there’s nothing wrong with lumberyards and he, in fact, owns two of them. It seems Ty is also a big believer in doing drugs everyday.
4. Low Grade Dog Food
If it seems like Rodney Dangerfield has been ignored, don’t worry, he’s not. It’s just that some of the very best lines in the movies, indeed maybe all the best, are his. It would be unfair to leave everyone else out and just run through every insult and off-color remark the great Al Czervak makes. As mentioned earlier, the scene at dinner at the club is a stone-cold classic and before he gets up to take a shot at Smails’ family, he unloads on the staff of the club, telling his server,
Hey, doll. Could you scare up another round for our table over here? And tell the cook this is low-grade dog food. I've had better food at the ballgame, you know? This steak still has marks from where the jockey was hitting it.
3. Dolphin Season
When Lacey arrives at Ty’s house, she sees a giant mess. There are uncashed checks for $70,000 laying around and Ty is busy straightening up the place by moving a water ski and a bow and arrow from the couch. He apologizes to Lacey, saying he’s “getting ready for the season.” “Duck?” Lacey asks. “No,” Ty laughs, “Dolphin,” and proceeds to clean up some more before offering her a previously opened bottle of flat sparkling water. Quite the charmer, that Mr. Wonderful is.
2. I Got That Going For Me
In one of the most often repeated parts of the movie, Carl has a helpless caddy pinned to a wall with the tines of a pitchfork as he tells him the story about how he used to be a caddy too. In fact, he was such a good caddy, that he seemingly took his skills to Nepal where he caddied for none other than the Dalai Lama himself. Even the caddy doesn’t believe the tall tale, but it makes for one of the funniest moments in movie history,
So I jump ship in Hong Kong and I make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice
1. This Hat!
Of course, there can only be one character at the top of this list and it has to be the boorish and incredible, Al Czervak. Audiences meet Al as he pulls into the parking of the club, alongside his associate Mr. Wang. They are there to play a game of golf as a guest of the Scotts. When they make their way into the pro shop, Al wants to set Wang up with all the gear and starts listing things he and Mr. Wang need, finally landing a colorful hat. After making fun of the hat and anyone that would buy it, he sees Smails’ wearing the same hat and responds in a way that only Czervak (and Dangerfield himself) could,
Oh, this is the worst-looking hat I ever saw. What, when you buy a hat like this I bet you get a free bowl of soup, huh? Oh… it looks good on you though!
Given that Caddyshack is one of the best '80s movies of all time, there are many more classic lines to quote. One could make a list 100 quotes long and still find more that were hard to cull. There are also, of course, quite a few jokes that aren't anywhere near appropriate in a more enlightened age, but we'll leave that viewers to decide where those might fit it.
