23 Hilarious Dazed & Confused Quotes
It is one of the greatest high school comedies of all-time. Made in the ‘90s and set in the ‘70s, there are so many Dazed & Confused quotes that are timeless and universal.. Here are its best moments and funniest lines.
“Alright, Alright, Alright” - David Wooderson
It’s impossible not to start with the most memorable, most quoted, most legendary line. Matthew McConaughey has almost built his career–or at least his public persona–on those three words. What’s even more amazing is that it was the first line he ever filmed in a movie and it was completely improvised, as McConaughey explained a few years ago to Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacreast.
Alright, Alright, Alright
“L-I-V-I-N.” - Wooderson
Wooderson plays the old, wise man in the movie too. As Randall “Pink” Floyd (Jason London) struggles to find meaning in life and in his future as the quarterback of the football team, Wooderson offers him his advice as they smoke a joint on the football field,
Let me tell you this, the older you do get the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin' man, L-I-V-I-N.
“You're in need of a serious attitude adjustment, young man.” - Coach Conrad
Pink’s crisis of conscience plays out throughout the movie. On one hand, he’s the most popular guy in school because he’s a football star, this is Texas, after all. On the other hand, he really just wants to hang out with his friends and catch Aerosmith this summer. The head coach of the football team, Coach Conrad (played by Terry Mross) let’s him know exactly how the team feels,
"Before next fall you're in need of a serious attitude adjustment, young man. You'd better get your priorities straight. And watch out with that other crowd you're runnin' with. Don't think I haven't noticed."
“Chasing the muff around” - Assistant Coach
As is usually the case, it’s the assistant coach who tries to relate best with the players and does so in the most awkward way. It’s awkward for the viewer, and hard to imagine how weird it must be for students hearing it. Before Coach Conrad lays into Pink, the assistant coach, played by Rick Moser, gets a little too personal,
"Now, don't go getting soft on me this summer. You know, you're sitting around the pool all day, chasing the muff around."
“Martha Washington was a hip, hip, hip lady, man”. - Slater
One of the guys in the “other crowd” Pink is running with is Slater, portrayed by Rory Cochrane (who played another icon in a '90s movie, Empire Records). The classic hippie stoner. Like all high school stoners, he’s got his own philosophy on life, one that involves the founding fathers. After explaining that George Washington grew hemp, he lets everyone in another secret he’s hip too,
"Behind every good man, there is a woman, and that woman was Martha Washington, man, and everyday George would come home, she would have a big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was a hip, hip, hip lady, man."
“Just goin' at it” - Slater
Later, during the party at the moon tower, Slater keeps it a little more close to home as he looks out over Austin from the moon tower. He doesn’t just have answers, he’s got some questions too,
"Imagine how many people out there are fuckin' right now man, just goin' at it."
“This place used to be off limits” - Slater
Slater’s also got some advice to go with his philosophy, and some deviousness when messing with freshman. As Mitch Kramer (Wiley Wiggins) climbs the tower, Slater needs to know if Mitch will make it back down after “four or five beers.”
"This place used to be off limits, man, 'cause some drunk freshman fell off. He went right down the middle, smacking his head on every beam, man. I hear it doesn't hurt after the first couple though. Autopsy said he had one beer, how many did you have?"
“I've got my own ride" - Don Dawson
Slater isn’t the only stoner with some advice. Don Dawson (Sasha Jenson) has some dating advice for young Mitch Kramer after a sophomore girl shows some interest in the freshman. It’s advice Mitch follows successfully,
"Like, if she asks you if you want a ride, you say, 'No, I've got my own ride, but maybe I'll see you later.' Sounds stupid, doesn't it? It works."
“Dogged as many girls” - Dawson
Dawson also has some advice for Pink, as he tries to convince the quarterback to return next season. It has a little to do with football, but it’s so much more. Of course, it comes down to girls,
"All I'm saying is that I want to look back and say that I did I the best I could while I was stuck in this place. Had as much fun as I could while I was stuck in this place. Played as hard as I could while I was stuck in this place... Dogged as many girls as I could while I was stuck in this place."
“Okay guys, one more thing, this summer…” - High School Teacher
Of course, teachers play a small role in the movie too. While middle school teach Mr. Payne has the most memorable line (more on that next), it’s the teacher Dawson awkwardly hits on “played by Kim Krizan,” that offers her own advice to the kids ahead of the bicentennial summer of ‘76. It might be the biggest truth bomb in the movie,
"Okay guys, one more thing, this summer when you're being inundated with all this American bicentennial Fourth Of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning, aristocratic, white males didn't want to pay their taxes."
“Twenty-five of you ain't coming back” - Mr. Payne
Ah yes, Mr. Payne, played by Julius Tennon. The name says it all. While Mitch and his friends wrap up their last day of junior high, a few of the high school kids, including Pink and Benny (played by Rip himself, Cole Hauser), arrive to scare the soon-to-be-freshman with what’s about to come. Mr. Payne has no sympathy, laughing at the threats and telling the boys,
"It's like our sergeant told us before one trip into the jungle. 'Men! Fifty of you are leaving on a mission. Twenty-five of you ain't coming back.'"
“Wipe that face off your head” - Darla
Dazed & Confused launched a lot of careers, including Parker Posey’s. Posey’s Darla is the nastiest of the female seniors, relentlessly hazing the incoming freshmen girls, but it’s an almost throwaway line that is her funniest. After dumping ketchup and mustard on the girls and scream “AIR RAID”, it’s as the girls are heading out that one unnamed freshman pisses Darla off the most,
"What are you looking at? Wipe that face off your head, bitch."
“You are an embarrassment to the game of pool” - O’Bannion
Another career that didn’t exactly start with Dazed & Confused but is certainly one of Ben Affleck's earliest highlights. Affleck plays the worst bully in the school, but again, it’s a quick throwaway line that might be his best. As all the kids hang at The Emporium, O’Bannion dominates at a pool table, and delivers a line that has been echo for decades at pool halls across the country,
"You are an embarrassment to the game of pool and should be glad I even let you play at my table."
“Give me drugs, man.” - O’Bannion
It’s not just freshman he bullies either. O’Bannion also doesn't seem to like stoners very much either, being the good, Texas football player that he is. He angrily verbally assaults Slater outside the Emporium too, but Slater shrugs it off, of course,
O’Bannion: "Hey Slater, you fuckin' hippie, give me drugs, man." Slater: "Get some from your mother."
“I keep getting older” - Wooderson
Matthew McConaughey’s talent and charm is why many fell in love with him in Dazed & Confused, but really, his character is deeply flawed and downright creepy.
"That's what I love about these high school girls. I keep gettin' older but they stay the same age."
“Ditch the two geeks you're in the car with” - Wooderson
Wooderson has one particular girl on his radar, Marissa Rabisi’s character, Cynthia. Wooderson has a real thing for red-heads it seems. He isn’t impressed with her friends, and makes it known,
"Yeah, well, listen. You ought to ditch the two geeks you're in the car with now and get in with us."
“When He graduated we were like three years old” - Mike
After the proposal from Wooderson, Cynthia gets excited and starts primping her her. Her friends in the car are rightfully creeped, though she isn’t. In amazement, her friend Mike (Adam Goldberg) tells her exactly how she should feel, after she tells Mike she thought Wooderson was cute,
"You thought he was cute? Do you realize when he graduated we were like three years old?"
“I wanna dance!” - Mike
The Equalizer cast member Adam Goldberg also has one of the great one liners of Dazed & Confused. After a long rant about the people he encountered at the post office, Mike has decided he doesn’t want to be a lawyer for the ACLU anymore. When his friend Tony (Anthony Rapp) asked what he wants to do, Mike surprised everyone by saying,
"I wanna dance!"
“She called me a slut?” - Simone
Dazed & Confused is so timeless because so much of what happens, even though it’s 1976, could happen anywhere and at anytime. Like the way some of the girls take unfair shots at the others. After Simone (Joey Lauren Adams) discovers another girl has called her a “slut”, she has some choice words. But don’t worry, she’s not mad.
"A slut? She called me a slut? Oh my god, what a bitch."
“Give the beer back!” - Kevin Pickford
Kevin Pickford (Shawn Andrews) doesn’t have a lot of luck in the movie (aside from dating Milla Jovavich, just one of the romances, behind the scenes of the movie. After a quick run to the store to grab beer (and rolling papers and sunflower seeds), Dawson runs out of the store and tells Pickford to gun it, as though he’s stolen the beer (he didn’t). They get stopped by a townie with a gun who’s upset they played mailbox baseball with his mailbox. But with the gun to his head, Pickford pleads with Dawson,
"Don, give the beer back, man!"
“Wrong Mr. Pickford all together” - Beer Delivery Guy
Of course, the events of the whole evening are set up when the beer delivery guy, played by John Swasey, “bricks” when attempting to deliver kegs to Pickford’s house for the end of school party. Pickford’s parents who were planning on leaving town, catch what’s going on and decide to stay, altering everyone’s plans. The exchange between Pickford the the delivery guy is something that gets quoted all the time, at least in my circle, but these things happen… Ben.
"Yep! Inconvenience for you. I’m sorry, wrong Mr. Pickford altogether!"
“Top priority of the summer” - Pink
It’s kinda nuts to think this movie was set almost 50 years ago, and the top priority of the summer was driving up to Houston to get Aerosmith tickets. The legendary rockers announced in 2023 that they would be hitting the road for their farewell tour, so fans across the country were once again making tickets their top priority, just like Pink explains to his coach,
"I may play ball next fall, but I will never sign that. Now me and my loser friends are gonna head out to buy Aerosmith tickets. Top priority of the summer."
“It’s be a lot cooler of you did” - Wooderson
We have to end the list like we began, with an iconic line from Wooderson. A line that quite possibly got McConaughey the gig after doing it in his audition. After he and Pink pick up Mitch for the evening, Wooderson asks the freshman if he’s got a joint. When Mitch says no, Wooderson responds with one of the all-time most quotable lines,
"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
If you want to go down memory lane, you can check our list of favorite high school comedies, and you can be sure that Dazed & Confused will always be a part of any respectable list like this. Not only for the amazing amount of work that went into making the movie, and talent that assembled early in the careers, including writer and director Richard Linklater, but for all the timeless, quotable, and hilarious lines written and delivered by that talent.
