32 Timelessly Funny Quotes From Clue

No matter how many times I watch Clue, the 1985 mystery-comedy never fails to entertain. Not only is it one of the best mystery movies of all time, it’s also one of the best 1980s movies to be made in the decade that gave us so many great films. With its memorable characters and excellent ending (or three endings, technically), Clue delivers moment after moment of greatness, and more than a handful of memorable quotes that have stood the test of time. Here are some of our all-time favorites.

And to be clear, this article is brimming with spoilers, so if you’ve somehow wandered in here not having seen the movie, we suggest you head off to watch it before reading ahead!

“Sit!… No, not you sir.” - Wadsworth

The start of the movie wastes no time in introducing us to the characters. That includes Tim Curry as Wadsworth, a man whose commands must be obeyed, as evidenced by the way Mr. Green (Michael McKean) immediately sits when Wadsworth gives the order (to the dogs, but Mr. Green must have missed that).

“I’m afraid I’m a little bit accident prone.”

The ultimate understatement comes from Mr. Green, whose self-described accident proneness is demonstrated numerous times in the film.

“Oh please, I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous, I mean nobody could blackmail me, my life is an open book, I’ve never done anything wrong.” Mrs. Peacock

Once it comes time to discuss why everyone has been brought to this house, Mrs. Peacock (Eileen Brennan) is quick to deny any allegations that she could possibly be blackmailed. Too quick, in fact. Her protestations are brimming with desperation.

“Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?” - Col. Mustard - “You don’t need any help from me.” - Wadsworth - “That’s right!” - Col. Mustard

Colonel Mustard (Martin Mull) will not have anyone trying to make him look stupid. As Wadsworth astutely points out, the man needs no help from his peers. The fact that Mustard agrees proves that point.

“Why would he want to kill you in public?” - Miss Scarlet - “I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.” - Wadsworth

Grammar matters, as demonstrated by Mrs. White (Madeline Kahn) when she tells the room that her husband once threatened to kill her, in public. Of course, Miss Scarlet (Lesley Ann Warren) needed clarification because that makes no sense. Wadsworth eye-roll as he clarifies by restructuring the sentence is priceless.

“Your second husband also disappeared.” - “Well, that was his job. He was an illusionist.” - Mrs. White “He never re-appeared.” - “He wasn’t’ a very good illusionist.”

Mrs White has an answer for everything, especially when she's being grilled about the mysterious deaths of her husbands, one of whom was an — apparently not very good — illusionist, who somehow managed to “disappear” and never return.

“There is safety in numbers… my dear.” - Col Mustard

Surely nothing puts a distressed person more at ease than by being told there is safety in numbers while those numbers clearly include at least one murderer… oh, and also when the words are said by a man wielding a very large wrench. It's understandable why Yvette would be reluctant to join the group, though being alone in a room in this house doesn't guarantee safety either.

“I didn’t do it!” - Mr. Green

There are more than a few protestations and denials throughout the movie, but none repeated as many times as Mr. Green’s instance that he did not do it. Any of it. (And technically, factoring in all three endings of the movie, he’s the only person who can truthfully say that).

“If I was the killer, I would kill you next.” -- Col. Mustard

Colonel Mustard really just says whatever is on his mind, but given just how many accusations of murder are flying around, it seems like a bad idea to toss any kind of murderous hypothetical into the mix. As in, maybe don't start sentences with "if I was the killer" and end that same sentence with a death threat. And yet, that's exactly what he does when the conversation gets heated.

“Nobody. No body. That’s what we mean. Mr. Boddy’s body, it’s gone.” - Wadsworth

The fact that Mr. Boddy’s (Lee Ving) name sounds like “body” makes for some fun wordplay throughout the movie, particularly when Mr. Boddy ends up unfortunately becoming one of the bodies. And then when Mr. Boddy's body temporarily goes missing, things get even more confusing.

“I’m not shouting! All right, I am. I’m shouting! I’m shouting I’m shouting I’m shouting!” - Wadsworth

Denial is a recurring theme throughout Clue, which makes Wadsworth's denial and then swift admission that he is, in fact, shouting all the funnier. And then the candlestick perched atop a doorframe falls on his head.

“Just checking.” - Col. Mustard — “Everything all right?” Mrs. Peacock — Yup. Two corpses, everything’s fine.” Col. Mustard

It’s at this point in the movie that it's pretty evident that the shock of the murders has worn off a bit for these guests. It's also clear that the characters have entered a new level of chaos as it's now evidently necessary to double-check that the right number of bodies are still where they were last seen, because sometimes they aren't.

“This is war, Peacock! Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.” Col. Mustard - “But look what happened to the cook!” - Mrs. Peacock

As conversations about what’s happening escalate, Col. Mustard tries to take control of the situation by comparing this whole situation to a war. Unfortunately for him and the point he's trying to make, Mrs. Peacock's attention will not be drawn away from what’s right in front of their faces. If you’re going to bring up omelets, she’s going to point out that the cook is one of the night’s recent victims.

“Let us in, let us in!” — “Let us out, let us out!”

In a moment of panic, Col. Mustard and Miss Scarlet are desperate to escape a locked room — one they entered through a secret passage, but they seem to have forgotten that — and on the other side of the door the other guests are desperate to get in.

“Not the cognac… just in case.” - Wadsworth

There’s nothing more ominous than being offered to help yourself to a drink, but then quickly being told to avoid the cognac “just in case," with no further explanation. But Wadsworth has every reason to be cautious, given the events of the night at this point.

“He won’t be driving home, officer, I can promise you that.” - Professor Plum

When the police officer (Bill Henderson) makes the rounds to inspect the party taking place inside the house, he comes upon one guest who's really not in any condition to operate a vehicle. Professor Plum (Christopher Lloyd) isn’t lying when he tells the cop that the motorist (Jeffrey Kramer) will not be driving home in his condition… considering his condition is dead.

“I am your singing telegram!”

Though I didn’t actually time it, I’m pretty sure the singing telegram girl (Jane Wiedlin) gets the least amount of screen time of any of the victims in this movie. She only manages to get one line in, in the form of the introduction to her song, before she’s shot dead at the entrance of the front door.

“This is getting serious.” -Wadsworth

The number of victims has really begun to add up at this point in the night, and yet, as ridiculous as it is that Wadsworth feels the need to point out that now, after so many things have already happened, things are getting serious, the truth is, nothing in this movie is serious and it’s perfection for that very reason.

“Will you stop that!” - Mr. Green - “No.” Wadsworth

Mr. Green puts up with a lot throughout the movie, but he loses his patience when Wadsworth keeps physically involving him in his reenactment of the night’s events. What’s even funnier is Wadsworth’s refusal to stop when Mr. Green demands him to.

“Oh, whoever it is, they gotta go away or they’ll be killed!” - Mrs. Peacock

Mrs. Peacock isn’t kidding. As though she’s the first person to realize the pattern of murder that’s transpired up to that point, she just can’t handle it when one more person rings the doorbell. But she’s not wrong, statistically speaking.

“Our lives are in danger, ya beatnik!” - Mrs. Peacock

Mrs. Peacock has no time to deal with the man at the door (Howard Hessman) who seems to have their souls’ interests at heart. Also, she calls him a beatnik.

“One plus two plus two plus one.” Wadsworth

Math proves to be very important in the final act of the movie as Wadsworth attempts to prove there are no bullets left in the gun. The back and forth of counting is just one more bit of comic relief in what otherwise might’ve been a tense moment.

“Is that what we ate?” - Mr. Green

Never mind that Wadsworth is in the midst of revealing whodunit, Mr. Green can not stomach the fact that they were eating monkey’s brain at dinner earlier.

“Is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murder?” -- Professor Plum — “Yes. Why do you think it’s run by a man called Hoover?” -- Wadsworth

Sure, Professor Plum didn’t mean literally “cleaning up” murder scenes, but a vacuum would probably come in handy at this point in the night, right?

“But here’s what really happened.”

One of the things that makes Clue a brilliant movie is its ending, which actually has three endings, each of which has Wadsworth breaking down a different way than the murders happened. The third scenario is the one the movie says really happened, which puts the blame on almost everyone (still alive) at the dinner party — Mr. Green being the lone exception.

“I hated her so much. Flames-FLAMES on the side of my face…” Mrs. White

Nothing displays pure rage more clearly than the way Mrs. White fails to find the right words and can only speak of the “flames” on the side of her face that she felt in the presence of the late Yvette (Colleen Camp). Her hand gestures to emphasize the point are the cherry on top.

“I told you I didn’t do it.” Mr. Green

He did tell them numerous times that he didn’t do it, and it turns out, Mr. Green was right. As we learn in all three of the ending scenarios, Mr. Green really didn't do it.

“Don’t you touch me!” - Mrs. Peacock

This is one of the more underrated moments of hilarity in Clue, in my opinion. Mrs. Peacock is searching the cellar when she bumps into the boiler and promptly starts hitting it with her purse as though it attacked her.

“I didn’t know it was that free!” - Wadsworth

In a moment of misunderstanding, Wadsworth thinks the cop has seen the bodies (which technically he has), but the cop has been duped into believing this is just a party with people getting cozy with one another. And he makes it clear that he's just fine with everything he's seen.

“I’ll catch her. Fall into my arms!… Sorry…” Wadsworth

It’s in this moment that we learn we really shouldn’t trust Wadsworth. He seemingly rushes to stop Mrs. Peacock from falling to the floor, but his efforts to actually do it are kind of lacking, which leads to her slumping to the floor.

“Unless… unless she dies too…” Mr. Green

What’s worse than thinking you might’ve drunk poison? Maybe having a bunch of people stare at you just to see if you die.

“I buttle sir.” - Wadsworth

Well, if we ever wondered what a Buttler does, Wadsworth answers that question fairly simply. He buttles.

And these are just some of our favorite quotes from the movie Clue! Of course, there are so many other moments of hilarity throughout the film, whether it's a facial expression or some excellent physical comedy, not a scene is wasted.