The Bachelorette recap: 'I feel so disrespected'

Welcome back to last week’s cocktail party, rose lovers! If you’ll recall — which I, hand to God, did not until starting tonight’s episode — we didn’t get a rose ceremony last week, as the action ended right after Clay took his leave early. So let’s travel back in time, shall we?

As the cocktail party winds down, Blake pulls Becca aside to “cheer her up” in the wake of Clay’s departure. His strategy: Going all in on the “perfect husband” charade. “How many kids do you want?” he asks our Bachelorette. She says three, and he raises her with “three to five.” (She responds as any sane woman would: “Holy s—, okay! Hmmm… we’ll talk.”)

Jordan, meanwhile, thinks he can make the most of his “five minutes” with Becca by simply not wearing a tie. “I’ve got a shirt that’s cut out for a tie here, you know?” he explains. “It’s got the angled collar, and I’m not wearing a tie with it. So it kind of shows her, like, this guy, he could go either way right now.” Revolutionary! Becca, of course, thinks Jordan is a total joke, so she gives him a pair of gold lamé short-shorts.

And he LOVES it. “This night couldn’t be better!” he gushes. “I think Becca might have my groin on her mind.” Ewwwww. But Jordan’s victory celebration is cut short when his nemesis, David the Chicken, returns from the hospital, busted face and all.

“I’ll be feeling better in no time!” he assures Becca. “I’m excited to continue the journey with you.” Naturally, the Bachelorette gives him a pity rose, which David promptly rubs in Jordan’s face. “What up, Jordan?” he gloats.

The male model — who is now voluntarily referring to himself as “Captain Underpants” — vows to “crush” his chicken opponent. Good God, Becca deserves better than these idiots. Can we just get this rose ceremony over with? Joining David, Chris, and Colton in the “winners” circle are: Jason, Wills, Nick (who is inexplicably wearing a track suit), Christon, Lincoln (ugh, more on this asshat later), Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc. Goodbye Man Bun! See ya, Ryan! As for the rest of you, it’s time to pack up and head to Park City, Utah! (Next: Garrett’s big secret)

That’s right, rose lovers! Lincoln believes the earth is flat. Wow, so this guy is a pervert, a floor-pooper, AND a certifiable idiot??? I am shocked — shocked! — that he’s still single.

Back to Becca and Garrett’s date. She’s still raving about him (“He is so good about making eye contact!”), but for some reason they’re not going skiing, even though Park City has some of the best skiing in the country. They are, however, riding a ski lift… to the top of a bobsledding course! Sure, why not? Fortunately for their bones, Becca and Garrett are getting an assist from Olympic bobsledders-turned-married couple, Valerie Fleming and Shauna Rohbock. You better believe I studied Garrett’s reaction to learning these silver medalists were also a same-sex married couple closely, and either he’s a good actor or he really wasn’t that fazed.

Anyhow, here’s the tortured relationship simile that you knew was coming: “Bobsledding is a lot like this journey,” explains Becca. “You have to be fast, you have to be precise, you have to be ready for the curves, and hopefully it’s all worth it in the end.”

That night, Becca and Garrett have the obligatory “past relationships” chat, wherein Garrett reveals he’s only been in love once, when he was 23. But that’s not the real news.

Yep, Garrett is a divorcee! And he got divorced after being married for just two months! And his wife was “emotionally abusive”! And Becca is so irritated that producers couldn’t just give her one guy who doesn’t have a cartload of emotional baggage! Now she’s scared that Garrett would feel “pressured” to make a commitment to her should he get the final rose, and the last thing she needs is to be dumped on TV for a second time. But Garrett tells Becca what she needs to hear — “I’m here to build a true, strong connection” — and she gives him the date rose.

“Surprise” concert alert! (Next: She wants a lumberjack and that’s okay)

On to the group date — and it’s a biggun. Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc meet Becca in the great outdoors for an event called Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash. According to the Bachelorette’s special guests, a cute married couple named Kendall and Billy, “lumberjacking” is not only a sport, it’s also a great way to meet people. So let’s get to it, guys!

Awww, good try, Jean Blanc. At least you smell good. The competition consists of ax throwing, log flipping, sawing, log-rolling, and pole climbing. Blake, who lives in Colorado and is apparently quite the outdoorsman, is dominating the competition until… wait, is that John? The Venmo guy? Yep, he just pulled out a W. Come get your trophy, big guy.

There’s no way John’s going to the end, but he probably just earned himself a spot in Paradise.

That night, Becca hopes to carry the “fun energy” of the date into the after party, but as you may have guessed from the previews, things do not go according to her plan. Though everything starts off fine — a makeout session with Jason here, a makeout session with Colton there — things start to go south when Jordan takes off his pants and insists on kissing Becca.

Not cool, Team Bachelorette. Not cool at all.

“The dude’s a clown,” grumbles Colton. “I want the antics and the bulls— to be done.” Though the rational thing to do here would be ignore Jordan until he inevitably goes away, Colton thinks it makes more sense to confront the male model about his ridiculous antics. (Or, more likely, producers urged Colton to confront Jordan, because two Ken dolls yelling at each other is definitely good TV.)

After that skirmish is over, it’s Jean Blanc’s turn to sit down with Becca. He’s all excited to give her a customized perfume, Miss Becca Blanc, which he designed with the help of “one of the biggest fragrance houses in the world.”

Jean Blanc plants a kiss on the Bachelorette, but she’s definitely not feeling it. Fortunately for Becca, Leo interrupts their chat, and she’s able to escape. Unfortunately for Becca, Jean Blanc returns a little later to deliver his prepared speech in full.

Oh honey, no. Just no. The Bachelorette knows she can’t put it off any longer — it’s time to send the colognoisseur home. “I don’t know that I’m on the same page,” she hedges, before adding that her “journey” is just in “the very beginning stages,” so hearing some guy say he’s falling in love with her is, to put it mildly, “a lot.”

I wish I could tell you that the awkwardness ends there, but I cannot, dear rose lovers. Becca gently informs Jean Blanc that she’s going to send him home, and he seems okay with it… until they get to the door. That’s when essentially asks for his perfume back (“But what about the gift?”) and then says he only dropped the l-bomb because he thought it was what she wanted to hear. “It’s not necessarily where I’m at,” he says. “I just thought that’s where you wanted to take things.”

Why is it always a surprise to the Bachelor or Bachelorette when the people courting them on TV turn out to be attention-seeking piles of human garbage? Still, it’s a bummer to see our sweet, naive Becca looking so upset. She marches back to the party and informs the rest of the men that she is done with their deception and chicanery. “I’m so pissed because I only am asking for honesty from you guys!” she huffs. “To not get that, I feel so disrespected… If anyone else can’t be honest with me from here on out, then I don’t want you here.”

And with that, Becca leaves, leaving the date rose on the table. Great, Jean Blanc — way to ruin the night for everyone, you jerkface. (Next: Wills to the rescue!)

The next day, the Bachelorette drags herself out of bed to face a one-on-one date with Wills. But how can you not have a good time with a guy whose hoodie has his name emblazoned on the front?

Though Becca is still feeling discouraged after Jean Blanc’s d-bag maneuver, she tries to shake it off when Wills arrives for their snowmobiling adventure. They cruise through Thousand Peaks park without crashing or running over any wildlife, so that’s a plus. During a champagne break (no hot cocoa? Come ON, Bachelor Interns!), Becca and Wills have a sober talk about the importance of this “journey,” and it does seem to cheer her up a little bit. “You’re just such a stand-up guy,” she says. “I feel like my mood completely changed.” They smooch a little bit (she doesn’t seem that into it, to be honest), and engage in a playful snowball fight.

At dinner, Wills shares his story of heartbreak (dated for three years, talked about getting married, then she asked for a “hall pass”), and even though he keeps his scarf on at the table (?), he’s pretty adorable and seems sincere. Becca agrees, so she gives him the date rose — and then puts that silly scarf to good use.

At last, rose ceremony day is upon us (again)! The guys are all hanging out in the lodge, smushed together on the couch and talking about how anxious they are to get time with Becca at the cocktail party. You know what that means…

Screw the cocktail party! Becca’s made up her mind already, and anyway it’s the only way Team Bachelorette can squeeze two rose ceremonies into one episode.

Becca arrives in a glamorous black mermaid gown and stands before the 14 remaining men. “It’s not just my story, it’s our story,” she says. “Looking at you guys, I just feel so hopeful.” Of course, there’s more hope for some than there is for others: Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln, John, Chris, David, and Jordan get roses, which leaves Christon and Nick (who’s no longer dressed in a track suit) out in the cold. The Globetrotter seems like a genuinely decent guy, so as much as I like looking at him, I hope he skips Paradise and finds a nice lady in the real world.

Though he got a rose, Jordan is reeling from getting the last rose. “I’ve never, ever made it last place in anything in my entire life,” he says. It’s time to prove everyone wrong. “There’s so much more to me than these guys think,” Jordan continues. “I’m much like a sponge: You can squeeze me, and get everything out of me, but you’ll never know unless you try.” Wow, if this guy wasn’t such a doofus, I’d be amazed at his comedic skills. And the ludicrous one-liners just keep on coming!

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.