The Bachelorette recap: Things get heated in the Las Vegas desert

Happy two-on-one date week, rose lovers! Honestly, I think the whole reason Team Bachelorette brought Becca to Las Vegas this week was to ensure they could leave either Jordan or Chicken Man sitting on an incongruous bed in the middle of the desert. But I’m getting ahead of myself, apologies.

We open with the guys arriving at the (promotional consideration provided by) Aria Sky Suites in Vegas, where they dutifully hoot and holler over their massive penthouse digs. Becca shows up briefly to give the guys a tour and pop some champagne — dates aren’t until the next day, so something tells me Aria execs insisted on incorporating the Bachelorette herself into the show’s promo package.

The first date of the week goes to Colton, who gets all gussied up in a plain blue T-shirt and jeans… which at first irritated me, but then I saw their date activity:

Camel safari, y’all! Colton is less than enthused — no doubt he expected some big high-roller adventure — but at least the camels take them to a middle-of-nowhere-hot tub. But… isn’t it hot out? Whatever.

“I feel like we’re on the same page,” Becca coos. That night, they put on clothes (Colton’s shirt has a collar!) and head to a fancy dinner at a restaurant called Sage. Colton tells the Bachelorette all about his last relationship, “a little over a year ago,” which ended sometime after girlfriend failed to say “I love you” back. Though he’s only been in love once and it was not reciprocated, Colton wants Becca to know that he’s still very much ready to find a soul mate. “You’re making it easier for me to take my walls down,” he says. And she LOVES it. Get in there, Becca, and give Colton that date rose, and then ride that double-decker bus down the Strip like the tourists you are.

The group date arrives, and Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris pack into a Hummer limo for an excursion that takes them off the Strip to… the Winter White House! Just kidding, there is no such thing. It’s Wayne Newton’s palatial Vegas estate. And of course, Mr. Las Vegas himself arrives on horseback, and is introduced in slo-mo.

That’s right, Connor — it’s Wayne f—ing Newton! Stop staring at his weirdly smooth face and listen to him sing “Danke Schoen” his lovely wife, Kathleen!

“Find that thing within you that helps you write lyrics of what you’d like to sing to Becca,” Wayne tells the guys, before sending them out to roam the grounds of Casa de Shenandoah while coming up with new, Becca-based lyrics to “Danke Schoen.” That said, I don’t know how any of them are supposed to hear themselves think over the sound of Wills’ flamboyant floral romper.

Seriously, that romper is so loud, even the peacocks are like, “Dude, take it down a notch.” (Next: The dreaded two-on-one date)

Anyhow, the guys put pencil to paper as Wayne checks in on their progress. Mr. Newton turns out to be quite the forgiving judge, listening politely as one by one the guys slaughter his classic hit. His harshest criticism? “There’s nothing that I heard today that I would rush out on stage and do tonight,” says Wayne. You know what that means, rose lovers: The guys are going to have to perform their terrible songs themselves, in front of a live (and, God willing, drunk) Vegas audience.

We interrupt this recap to inform you that while David’s face is healing quite well, his left eye is still looking pretty gnarly.

Let’s rejoin the group date, already in progress. John hits the stage first, and even though his performance is “off-key and off-base the entire time,” he plows through with energy and a positive attitude. And to be fair, all the guys are horrendously off-key. “We’re all equally terrible,” Blake says. Poor Becca has to sit through nine (!) wretched renditions of “Danke Schoen,” and the only time she doesn’t look completely mortified is during Chris’ performance, as he works the room and cracks jokes. “It was sexy,” she admits. “I was very attracted to it.”

At the after-party, Chris is so confident his chances of getting the date rose are “100 percent” that he just chills on the couch while all the other guys grab their one-on-one time with Becca. Chris has no worries at all until he finally realizes that Blake and Becca have been gone for close to 40 minutes. What could possibly be happening right now?

You snooze, you lose, Chris! Blake has beaten you to the first post-Jean Blanc “I’m falling in love with you” punch! And now Becca’s tired and wants to call it a night… after giving Blake the date rose, of course. “I’m shook,” admits Chris. “I’m embarrassed. I feel like there was no interest there.” He’s so irritated that Becca didn’t “make time” for him that he starts grumbling about packing his bags and leaving on his own. Um, no arguments here, dude — I’ll even call the front desk and ask them to get you a cab.

Let’s leave Chris to his pity party, because it’s time for the two-on-one date. The night before, David was feeling pretty confident about his impending “competition” with Jordan. “One of us is going home,” he told him. “And it’s certainly not going to be me.” Jordan, trying to end the conversation, mumbled something about “may the best man win” — prompting David to jump on him for his choice of words. “It’s not about quote-unquote ‘winning,’” he sniffed. “It’s about falling in love.” Jordan reminded David that he just referred to the date as a “competition,” and “competitions are won.” Oooh, sorry, Chicken Man, but the male model definitely got you there! David’s constant effort to razz Jordan is getting quite annoying, to the point where I might even be — dare I say it? — rooting for the male model on the two-on-one.

The day arrives, and Jordan and David ride in silence as the limo drives them deep into the Nevada desert, to the Valley of Fire. Unfortunately for David, things don’t get off to a great start, as he nearly trips getting out of the limo.

Becca assures them that she just wants to “chill and hang out,” starting with a drive in her red Jeep over the bumpy terrain to the Random Bed in the Middle of Nowhere?.

As the three of them perch awkwardly on the edge of the bed, Becca encourages them to take a moment and soak in the silence of the desert. David, who perhaps doesn’t know what “silence” means, just starts yammering about how “awesome” it is and how “pumped” he is to be spending the day with her. David continues his monologue during his alone time with Becca, going on and on about Jordan, claiming that he was checking out other women at the casino the night before. David even goes so far to say Jordan sounds like he would be “settling” for Becca if she chose him. This, of course, is a trigger word for our Bachelorette, because it reminds her that Arie believed she was the “safe” choice over Lauren. “The whole settling thing kind of pisses me off a little bit,” says Becca, clearly frustrated. (Next: Good riddance to bad baggage)

Naturally, the first thing the Bachelorette does when she sits down with Jordan is fill him in on everything David said. Hearing these accusations has an interesting effect on Jordan. First, he tries to laugh it off: “Wait, what?” he says with a strained chuckle. “Everything’s just totally manufactured… David is lying.” Jordan, realizing he’s in trouble, decides it’s time to open up on the double, so he starts spitting out personal revelations like a tennis ball machine on max speed. His mom has “multiple mental illnesses”! He comes “from nothing”! There were times when he “didn’t even have electricity”! “I’ve unapologetically been myself,” he fumes. “And if David wants to lie, we can go address that. That’s fine with me.”

Becca’s understandably a little taken aback by the intensity of Jordan’s anger, so she sends him back to the Lonely Bed alone, because she “needs some time to think.” And Jordan, meanwhile, needs some time to cuss David out.

“Being me is my greatest power!” Jordan barks, his voice rising. “Being you isn’t your greatest power — that’s why you’ve gotta talk about me!” David, meanwhile, works hard to remain relaxed, leaning back on the Sand Bed with his legs crossed casually and his hands in his lap. “I’m such an honest person,” he says. “Look, I called you out for the [bleep] that you are.”

And that’s when Jordan strikes a REALLY low blow.

Can Becca just send both these dumbasses home, please? I’m sure if it were entirely up to her, she would. “I feel like I’m back in sixth grade,” she tells her idiot dates. “This is frustrating, this is annoying, this is petty.” But producers obviously want her to send someone home — they’ve gotta strand someone alone in the middle of the desert, right? — so Becca tells David it’s time for them to “part our ways.” That’s not to say she’s going to give Jordan the date rose — first, she wants to “get to the bottom” of the whole stupid situation.

Bye, Chicken Man! Don’t let the floor hit you in the face on your way out!

After washing the sand off, Becca and Jordan meet up again for a fancy dinner, where the Bachelorette hopes to find out if there can be something more to her relationship with Jordan, that can go beyond the “joking around” phase. That said, their conversation is pretty hilarious. First they talk about their typical weekend routines. For Becca, it’s outdoor time, church, reading in bed. For Jordan, it’s basically gym, tanning, laundry. And then this happens:

“Show me your Blue Steel!” Becca urges, clearly just killing time until she’s allowed to pack Jordan off to the Reject Limo. Unfortunately for her, Jordan thinks it’s going well enough for him to “steal” a kiss from her — but she literally bursts out laughing mid lip-lock. Please, Team Bachelorette, just end this torture now.

“I know that that’s not what you wanted to hear,” says Becca, “but I just don’t think that we’ll get there.” Boy, bye! (Until Paradise, of course.) As the pre-arranged fireworks explode for no one outside, the guys back at the hotel rejoice when the Suitcase Ninja comes for Jordan’s bag. (Next: Chris demands respect, doesn’t get it)

How is there still so much time left in this episode? Oh, of course — because we’ve still got the “Chris is feeling salty about the group date” issue to deal with. “Becca definitely needs to win me over,” he says. “She needs to show me something that says, ‘Chris, I want you here.’”

Funnily enough, Becca feels the same way about him! She’s “confused” because Chris didn’t seek her out during the group date after-party, and of course she is the Bachelorette — so the onus of seeking is on him. Becca also reveals that she “found out” (read: producers informed her) that Chris was grousing earlier about “not wanting to be here” and so on. “I don’t know where his head’s at right now,” she says. As soon as they sit down, Chris explains exactly what he’s thinking:

But Becca is not about to be scolded by this scruffy-faced tool bag. “I felt like you didn’t take the initiative to come find me,” Becca counters, adding that hearing he “might not want to be here” was particularly frustrating. “I want a teammate, 50-50,” she says. “And I feel like that night, that didn’t happen.” Chris then has the audacity to claim that he didn’t say he was thinking about going home — even though he said it on camera. “I said, ‘Should I go home, because I feel like maybe she’s not interested in me.’”

Liar, liar, hair gel on fire. Becca knows he’s full of crap.

“You’ve given me a lot that I need to process,” she tells him. “I’m gonna go, because I’m getting frustrated.” Ditto! At this point, I literally started chanting, “Send him home! Send him home!” at my screen. “She doesn’t want me here, man,” groans Chris, on the verge of tears. But rather than walking away with his tail between his legs, he decides to “be a man” — and by that I mean, “force Becca to talk to him even though she already asked him to leave her alone.”

Becca is in the middle of talking to Wills, and when Chris interrupts interrupt, she tries to politely brush him off: “We just sat down,” she says. “Two minutes ago.” Rather than saying, “Oh, okay, my apologies, I’ll come back,” Chris instead asks Wills if he can interrupt their chat. So what if Becca made it clear that she doesn’t want to talk to him right now? We all know a man is legally allowed to overrule any decision a woman makes! Wills, irritated but composed, agrees to give Chris two minutes.

Before things get fisticuffs-level tense, Becca assures Chris that she’ll come find him later if he just will GTFO now. Chris does the tough-guy long-stare thing, attempting to intimidate Wills with his scruffy face, but our man in plaid does not back down. Chris skulks away, and Becca and Wills resume their pleasant conversation.

Later, back on the couches, Garrett tells Chris that he’s on Wills’ side in the Great Interruption Debate of 2018 — and Chris immediately starts getting worked up, saying he’s being falsely accused of “attacking” his fellow suitors, and everyone’s “acting like a victim.” (Never mind that no one said anything to that effect.)

But Becca is true to her word, and she eventually returns to listen yet again to Chris’s weak explanations. “The old me would have probably left,” he says. “But the new me realizes what I have in front of me…. I f—ed up.” Wait, is the “old” Chris the Chris from 24 hours ago? And the “new” Chris is the Chris from 20 minutes ago? Hard to say. The only thing that’s clear is that no one — except possibly producers — wants Chris to get a rose tonight.

Clink, clink, clink! Chris Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News announces that it’s time for the poolside rose ceremony.

Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, Connor, and Chris (arrrrrgh) join Blake and Colton in the safe zone, which means this is the end for John the Venmo Guy. Bummer! If it’s too late for Paradise, perhaps we’ll see John again on Bachelor Winter Games? After all, he won the lumberjack competition, so we know he’s athletic.

Welp, rose lovers, it’s time to put Sin City in the rearview mirror. Before you go, let me know your thoughts about tonight’s episode. Is there any chance Becca still likes Chris, or is she just following producers’ orders? Do you loves Wills as much as I do? And how long do you think it took the hotel spa to find a gold face mask for Jordan? Post your thoughts below! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go iron my jeans.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.