A 'Bachelorette' Virgin Tries to Make Sense of the Show
My editor suggested that I look at an episode of The Bachelorette, a show I’ve never seen before but I’m told is popular in some circles. So I tuned in to ABC on Monday night. From what I could gather, it’s a show about a young American girl, Kaitlyn, living in a big castle in Ireland, where she has seven or eight guys working for her — flattering her, trying to keep her from crying whenever they’re not crying themselves, and doing everything possible to get her to give them a rose, which seems to be used in The Bachelorette as a form of currency or status.
It seemed clear at the start on Monday night that the previous week, Kaitlyn had become unusually close to one of her employees, Nick, perhaps even allowing him to engage in sexual congress with her. I came to this conclusion after watching a long shot of a closed bedroom door, behind which Kaitlyn and Nick were making loud snorting noises and moaning in either ecstasy or perhaps because of severe leg cramps from spending the day gamboling over the Irish countryside.
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Whatever the reason, K was visibly upset that she may have alienated her other employees. “I feel guilty,” she told no one standing next to her, and therefore I assume she has a close confidante in the person operating the camera. “I feel awful,” she also said, crying for the first of approximately 43 times on Monday night. Early on, she also seemed to be wearing a ring that looked like a praying mantis had been glued to the top of her fingers, which may have accounted for some of her distress.
The only person who cried more than Kaitlyn (I am excluding myself here, for purposes of professionalism) was Shawn, a muscular young man with a face shaped like a garden spade. “He was crying last night,” said one of the men to the others. Nods all around. The consensus was that Shawn was jealous of Nick. “I’m definitely feeling uncomfortable being with the other guys,” said Shawn, who is either unnaturally sensitive or is suffering from what my father, not the most forward-thinking of men, used to call “idiocy.”
“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Shawn told Kaitlyn, and I’m pretty sure he was referring to continuing on the show and not what he was actually doing when he said this, which was stroking Kaitlyn’s thigh and squeezing her ankle.
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Kaitlyn periodically checked in with an older man who appears to be some sort of kindly uncle. His name is Chris. At one point, Chris told Kaitlyn that she now needs more of what he called “off-camera time” with the rest of her employees, and Chris muttered something about “fantasy suites” and “intimate overnight dates” that made me uncomfortable so I briefly switched over to Fox News and The Kelly File to hear some bracing yelling and regain my composure.
When I returned to The Bachelorette, Chris was telling Kaitlyn, “You will go down to three men this week,” and I had to re-wind my DVR a few times to make absolutely sure he had said “to” instead of “on,” because by this time nothing would surprise me about The Bachelorette and that would have been a deal-breaker for me. If I want to watch porn, I’ll do what sensible people do and cue up an old episode of the David Tennant era of Doctor Who.
As it turned out, Kaitlyn went on a succession of dates including what she called a “two-on-one” with Joe and JJ. At first I couldn’t tell these two apart, but here’s how I finally remembered who was who: JJ is the one who said, “Today’s the biggest day of my recent life” (that qualifier “recent” was the sign of a man with proper priorities), and Joe is the one who kisses Kaitlyn by sort of lapping at the outside of her mouth with his tongue like an Alaskan husky dog in search of some salt.
As the two hours came to a conclusion — and I freely admit I may have gone into a trance a few times, especially when Shawn started snoring hypnotically while riding on that big bus — the neurotic-looking man named Chris Cupcake was told by Kaitlyn that she would no longer be needing his services when it came to riding helicopters, having picnics, or being pawed at regular intervals.
At first, he expressed his concern for her oddly — “Just looking at her, she’s a mess” is not my idea of gallantry — but soon he had assumed what I’ve come to think of as the classic Bachelorette position: down on his knees, sobbing uncontrollably while a hovering boom mic came perilously close to getting hair gel all over itself.
Meanwhile, Kaitlyn had mounted a helicopter and was winging off, her face an impassive mask of ever-searching passion and desire, as she left for a vague destination described only as “hometown dates.” I fear for this brave woman’s safety, but I also know I’ll never see her again. Monday nights are when I have a standing “two-on-one” date with Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon on CNN.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
