Beware! Avoid these movies on Valentine's Day (and some to watch, too)

Movies. Romance. They go together like...

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard? Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman?

Which is to say, sometimes they don't.

Sure, curling up and watching a movie is one of the most romantic things you can do on Valentine's Day. Sitting in the dark, watching beautiful people as they smooch and hug and go down with the Titanic is — potentially — the second most lovey-dovey way you can spend Feb. 14.

Potentially.

But choose the wrong movie, and it's a different story. The arguments. The recriminations. The anxieties that — who could have known? — this or that film triggered. It could be as simple as the two of you having different tastes. Or there could be heavier baggage — stuff the film brings up that you are not remotely prepared to deal with.

Many couples have bonded over movies. But just as many have broken up over them.

So what to do? Well rule 1, obviously: Know your date — and know your movie.

But here are a few titles we've flagged, just to get you thinking. Movies that are perfectly good, some of them — great to watch with the gang in the mancave, or on a girls' night out. But for Valentine's Day? Not on your heart-shaped chocolate box.

'Breakfast at Tiffany's' (1961)

"Moon River"! Audrey Hepburn, dripping diamonds, with that long cigarette holder! Just perfect for Valentine's Day, right?

Only you won't be talking about that.

You'll be talking about the elephant in the room — Mickey Rooney's yellow-faced, buck-toothed caricature of a Japanese landlord. It's a performance so breathtakingly ill-advised that you won't be able to think of anything else through the entire movie. Nothing like racism to kill a romantic mood.

'Lolita' (1962)

The title alone might tempt you. It's notorious. It signals "erotic" to just about everyone.

But just in case you've forgotten what the Vladimir Nabokov novel and this Stanley Kubrick film version is about, it concerns a middle-aged professor (James Mason) with a fixation on underage girls, and the "nymphet" stepdaughter (Sue Lyon) he abducts.

As social satire, the film is peerless. As Valentine's Day fare? Whole lotta nope.

'Scenes from a Marriage' (1974)

This, for the '70s art house crowd, was the ultimate "couples" movie. A husband and wife, Liv Ullmann and Erland Josephson, decide that their troubled marriage would improve if they talked, "opened up," were honest with each other.

Many viewers, as Tom Wolfe noted in "The Me Decade," were so caught up in Ingmar Bergman's drama (originally a TV miniseries) that they were inspired to try "opening up" and "communicating" in their own relationships. With catastrophic results — just like the couple in the film (they divorce).

"Ironically," wrote Wolfe, "the lesson that people seem to draw from this movie has to do with … 'the need to communicate.' ”

Who wants to talk on Valentine's Day, anyway? You want action.

'Chinatown' (1974)

This neo-noir thriller by Roman Polanski is one of the great films of the '70s. One of the great films of all time, perhaps. With Jack Nicholson as an L.A. gumshoe trying to figure out who's tampering with the city's water supply, Faye Dunaway as the femme who is not so fatale, the moody Jerry Goldsmith music and the mauve mise-en-scène, it's just about perfect of its kind.

So why not for Valentine's Day? Well, we know a case of a date that went south, very fast, after the climactic scene. You know the one: "My sister, my daughter..." (And if you don't know, we won't spoil it with explanations).

Suffice it to say, this scene brought up some very sensitive personal issues for one of them. For the other, blindsided, it was the mother of all faux pas. And that was the end of that relationship.

'Manhattan' (1979)

You may remember the iconic image of the Queensboro Bridge, and the "Rhapsody in Blue" on the soundtrack. You may think you recall this as one of the all-time great romantic comedies — perfect for a classy date night.

What you may not remember is that this is the movie where Woody Allen, a 42-year-old divorcee, dates a 17-year-old, played by Mariel Hemingway.

Wherever you stand on the question of Woody Allen's alleged conduct with minors — a subject of much scrutiny in recent years — that's not a discussion you want to be having as the lights come up.

'Fatal Attraction' (1987)

This steamy thriller, a big hit in the day, could easily be mistaken for great sexy fun. Actually, it's a machine perfectly designed to get men and women arguing.

You may recall the plot: married man Michael Douglas has a one-night stand with Glenn Close. To him, it's a casual tryst; to her it's a commitment that justifies her shadowing him, trying to ruin his marriage, and — most infamously — boiling his daughter's pet bunny on the kitchen stove.

To female viewers, this is a story of an irresponsible guy getting his come-uppance from an empowered woman. To men, it's a nightmare about being stalked by a crazy witch. And you'll never agree. Avoid this poisoned mushroom.

'In the Bedroom' (2001)

Well, that sounds sexy! And there's Sissy Spacek, Tom Wilkinson, and Marisa Tomei to give it cachet.

Don't be fooled! This is a bleak (and memorable) drama, with Spacek and Wilkinson as an older married couple in rural Maine, whose grieving over their murdered son (NIck Stahl) takes an extreme form. It's absorbing, disturbing.

But for Valentine's Day? Danger. Falling Rocks. Find Alternate Route.

'Closer' (2004)

It stars Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. It is pegged, online, as "romantic drama."

All the ingredients for a fatal misunderstanding.

You might be thinking this is a sophisticated weepie, with a hot cast, that will put your honey in a receptive mood. Right?

Actually, this drama about secrets, infidelity and betrayal is guaranteed to push every button, call up every suspicion and insecurity, dramatize every fear in your relationship. When he suggests a Julia Roberts movie, recommend "Mystic Pizza." "The Ant Bully." Anything else, literally.

'Tár' (2022)

A world-renowned conductor (Cate Blanchett) lives the glamorous life: jetting between concerts, master classes, and her wife (Nina Hoss) in Berlin.

A story of empowerment? Of female — and gay — success against the odds? Something to enjoy while savoring that last mouthful of V-Day chateaubriand?

Maybe not. Because Lydia Tár, Blanchett's character, will in the course of the film be credibly accused of sexual harassment. Which brings her life, career, and marriage tumbling down.

This was directed by Todd Field — the same Todd Field who directed "In The Bedroom." Feel Good movies are not his thing.

'Barbie' (2023)

This could either be a very bad or very good Valentine's Day choice. All depends on you, guys.

If you complain that Greta Gerwig's summer hit depicts almost all men as vain, entitled Neanderthals, you will be exposing your own ignorance and self-absorption. And there will be no coming back.

If, however, you exclaim that you've always loved The Indigo Girls, and that yes, actually, the world would be a better place if all men were just like the movie's sweet, gentle Michael Cera, you're in!

So what, instead?

Since we've told you what not to watch, its only fair that we provide some alternatives.

Mostly, these are classics, tried-and-true makeout movies — though we've tried to avoid the really obvious ones like "Love Story" and "Sleepless in Seattle." Lesser-known gems like "Summertime" and "Mississippi Masala" are worth seeing, too. And one film, "Moonlight," is borderline harrowing — but all the more romantic for its suggestion that love can survive almost any circumstance.

'Casablanca' (1942)

Bogart, Bergman, "As Time Goes By," "here's looking at you, kid." Well, duh!

'Summertime' (1955)

Katharine Hepburn as a shy spinster who flowers in gorgeous Venice, in the gorgeous company of Rossano Brazzi. The color photography alone is sexy!

'Bonnie and Clyde' (1967)

What could be more romantic than Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway going down in a hail of bullets (a quite shocking scene in its day)? There's nothing hotter than a leibestod — a love-death. Just ask Richard Wagner.

'Maurice' (1987)

Hugh Grant, that romcom mainstay, got his break in this trailblazing Merchant-Ivory adaptation of the E.M. Forster novel. But it's James Wilby and Rupert Graves who create the fireworks, in this story of forbidden gay romance in Edwardian England.

'Moonstruck' (1987)

When-a da moon hits-a your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's "Moonstruck" — a movie that's in love with love, and one of the few such movies with writing (by John Patrick Shanley) good enough to get away with it. Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis: never better.

'Mississippi Masala' (1991)

Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhury are the cross-cultural lovers in this story of Indian exiles in the American South.

Did we mention they're gorgeous lovers? We still recall the audible sighs in the theater, when Denzel took off his shirt.

'Before Sunrise' (1995)

Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, strangers on a train, both decide on impulse to hop off and share one romantic night in Vienna. Director Richard Linklater followed this up with two sequels, but the first film is the swooniest. Young love, racing against the clock: always a romantic theme.

'Sideways' (2004)

Yes, it's the film that made Merlot tank, and Pinot explode. But this wistful comedy about a seeming loser (Paul Giamatti) and his hotshot buddy (Thomas Haden Church) touring California's wine region and meeting two women (Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh) is also a sweet film about second chances, romantic or otherwise.

'Juno' (2007)

A pregnant teenager, an illegitimate baby, a bickering yuppie couple, and nobody meets cute. But the movie itself is cute. Sweet, too, thanks to the precocious personality of Elliot Page, and Michael Cera as the quintessential Gen Y dreamboat.

'Moonlight' (2016)

Even in gangsta-land, love will find a way. The harsh world of drug dealers, crack addicts, bullying teens, and decrepit Miami projects in Barry Jenkins' Oscar-winning film only make the inviolable love of Chiron (Trevante Rhodes) and Kevin (Andre Holland) all the more miraculous.

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Best Valentine's Day movies to watch, and to avoid