‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Episode 3 Recap: May Contain Nuts

Warning: This recap for the “Candy For a Billionaire” episode of The New Celebrity Apprentice contains spoilers.

The major crime of New Celebrity Apprentice so far, other than Jon Lovitz’s shirt choices, is that it just hasn’t been very fun. Bulking boss Arnold Schwarzenegger is too passive in the boardroom, and the celebrities aren’t much better. Apart from a couple of minor squabbles, the cast has been relatively civil, and surprisingly, semi-competent in the tasks. In fact, the beef between contestants outside the show is more entertaining than what’s happening on screen.

So what better way to inject some energy than a naked Carson Kressley straddling a motorcycle like he’s auditioning for a porn parody of Sons of Anarchy? If you’re wondering what the title of that would be, Buns of Anarchy, obviously. Sure, nude motorbike modeling isn’t quite as fun as Gary Busey tickling confused tourists while dressed as the Cat in the Hat, but then again, what is? But it’s the sort of ludicrous scenario that can only exist in the world of Celebrity Apprentice, and if this season is in need of anything, it’s more outlandishness.

Take me for a Ride

If the picture above isn’t clear enough, the first task of the night was all about creating a photo campaign for the Kawasaki Vulcan S motorcycle. The execs from Kawasaki wanted the teams to come up with a campaign that was rebellious and different and put across the brand’s message of a bike that is made for everyone.

The men’s team, led by Carson, decided to go balls out, literally. They wanted their campaign to be edgy and provocative, presenting the Vulcan S as “a bike for every body.” As if Carson in his birthday suit wasn’t risque enough, Boy George also brought along Alaska Thunderf**k, which is not a new nickname Sarah Palin is going by, but a drag queen who recently won RuPaul’s Drag Race. Miss Thunderf**k (family name), in her black dress and poufed blonde wig, stood atop the motorcycle in a pose which George described as “Like Breakfast at Tiffany’s on crack.”

Chael and Jon were a little concerned, both with Carson’s un-manscaped junk and using a drag queen in one of the shots. George, however, argued back, “I think we live in an inclusive world now.” (You can tell this season was recorded back in February 2016.) To George and Carson’s credit, the shots turned out really well, including the one of Jon dressed as a priest and an oiled up Ricky doing his best Terminator Arnie imitation.

Macho, Macho Man

The women’s team didn’t go in such a bold direction, but their initial idea of building the campaign around powerful women was a decent one. That was until Brooke Burke brought in her husband, former Baywatch actor, David Charvet.

The original concept was for Charvet to sit behind his wife on the motorcycle, putting a twist on the norm and demonstrating that this is a bike for women too. But oh no, that would be too damaging for Charvet’s manly image, “I’m not having Arnold look at me like I’m some sort of wimp,” he snarled. A man riding on the back of a motorcycle? Are you crazy?! Arnold later admitted in the boardroom that he’d have no problem riding on the back of a bike with a woman.

But that’s not Charvet’s style. No, no. He only does macho things, like star in gritty, red-blooded shows such as Melrose Place and record French pop-rock. Who cares that it was his WIFE asking him to pose for CHARITY on a campaign for a FAKE advertisement? Maintaining your masculinity is surely what matters most, right, Charvet?

It’s no surprise that the women lost yet again, their photos deemed too safe compared to the men’s envelope pushing and genital tucking presentation. Kyle Richards, PM for the ladies, was terminated for not delivering a more creative campaign. But really can we just fire David Charvet from whatever show he’s currently working on instead? Or better yet, let’s make Charvet ride a motorcycle sandwiched between Alaska Thunderf**k and a butt-naked Carson Kressley (and photograph it).

Sweet Dreams

The second task of the night was a classic fundraising challenge. The newly mixed up teams had to create a “celebrity candy” for See’s Candies and sell it in pop-up stores, with the team who raised the most money earning the victory. Business magnate Warren Buffet would be sampling both of the teams’ candy and awarding his favorite with a bonus $25,000.

Vince Neal put himself forward as the PM for Team Prima, stating his reasons as “I love chocolate. I love money. Let’s put them together.” Vince also believed he’d be able to bring in the biggest donors, and hats off to him, he pulled it off, securing a $100k donation within minutes of the task starting. And the money kept rolling in, from rock stars to Motley Crue fans to Hooters waitresses, and let’s not forget the 10k the strippers from Déjà Vu Showgirls donated. I’m sure Vince has made similar sized donations to Déjà Vu over the years, so think of this as them giving back.

Ricky was the man in charge of Team Arete, usurping Brooke from the position when he promised he’d be able to raise more money than her; up to $300,000! “I know people in the cannabis industry,” Ricky said confidently. Of course, pot smokers are all about chocolate snacks but do they have the drive to get up off the sofa and go buy them? Ricky’s smartest move was getting Jon as far away from the manufacturing process as possible, sending him to Omaha, Nebraska for the Buffet taste test.

While Jon’s peppermint caramel concoction did sound delightful, Laila took on the recipe duties for Arete, creating a caramel and raspberry milk chocolate filled with pecans and almonds. Prima went for a simpler option based on their research of Buffet’s tastes, making a crunchy cashew brittle covered in dark chocolate. Chael, self-confessed Warren Buffet superfan, begged to go to Omaha, constantly repeating that he’s read all three of Buffet’s books. Lisa looked a little suspicious of Chael’s claims; I was surprised to find out he could read too, Lisa.

Buffet didn’t give much away at the taste test, even after Jon’s monetary bribe, so the focus switched to the in-store sales. Boy George impressed, receiving an 80k donation for Team Arete. Matt Iseman also surprised himself, bringing in several 10k donations from friends and old roommates. Ricky, while not quite achieving what he promised, did get 10k from WeedMaps, which a Google search tells me is an app that helps you “find local marijuana dispensaries, delivery services, doctors’ offices, and deals in your area.” I’m pretty sure “deals in your area” just means the smelly, yellow-toothed stoner selling out of his high rise apartment.

Everyone on both teams raised a lot of money. Well, everyone, that is, except for Jon, who scraped together a paltry $500. That wouldn’t even get him a striptease at Déjà Vu Showgirls. His excuse that he was in Omaha didn’t wash because Chael was able to raise 40k while in the same predicament. His bribe tactic didn’t work either, as Buffet chose Prima’s cashew crunch as his favorite, earning Team Prima an extra 25k on top of their $378,535, which when combined with the losing team’s total, gave Vince a whopping $769,280 for his charity (MSA charity Keep Memory Alive).

Even though Ricky failed to deliver on his HIGH promises, Arnold couldn’t forgive Jon’s lack of efforts when it came to fundraising. It was somewhat of a shock to see Jon terminated this early in the process given that he’s one of the few contestants bringing that old school Celebrity Apprentice flamboyancy and tension. Although I’m sure you can catch up with his bickering on social media, after all, who needs TV when Twitter is now home to the world’s biggest reality show?

That’s all for this week Celebrity Apprentice fans. Now I’m about to hop on this motorcycle with Alaska Thunderf**k and drive to David Charvet’s house to force feed him Carson’s crunchy cashew nuts.

The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC. Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.