‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Episode 5 Recap: Ball So Hard

Warning: This recap of the “I’m Going Full Ballmer” episode of The New Celebrity Apprentice contains spoilers.

This stagnating season of The Celebrity Apprentice finally got an energy boost last week when Chael Sonnen tried to electrocute himself on national television. But how could the show continue that kind of liveliness? The answer: Base a task around former Microsoft CEO and Los Angeles Clippers owner Steve Ballmer, a man constantly stuck at maximum volume. Ballmer is a bundle of manic energy; he sort of looks like a demented tortoise that accidentally huffed cocaine and escaped his shell. He’s the type of celebrity that should be competing on this show, rather than just acting as a one-off adviser.

Ballmer’s intensity further exposed the weakness of this cast. While they seem like a relatively friendly bunch with competent business skills, nobody has that zany, off-the-wall nuttiness that keeps you glued to the screen. It’s no surprise we saw another triple firing this episode; it almost seems like the show is trying to put itself out of its own misery. The whole season has been rushed, with back-to-back episodes, quick tasks, and multiple eliminations. It feels like NBC just wants the entire thing over and done.

Big Ballin’

Ballmer was on hand to introduce the first task of the night. The two teams had to create a high-energy presentation to promote the L.A. Clippers brand during a time-out show, as well as design a T-shirt for fans. The goal was to pump up the “Clipper Nation,” while showing creativity and enthusiasm. Each team was provided with a T-shirt gun and a group of dancers (Vince Neil really missed out going home last week).

Former WNBA star Lisa Leslie was the obvious choice to head up Team Prima, but she had two men on her team who had never been to a basketball game in their lives, Boy George and Carson Kressley. “It is safe to say Lisa is quite straight. Carson and I are quite gay. Carson is more gay than I am, but put us together and we are majorly gay,” George said with a laugh. But their lack of sports knowledge wasn’t going to deter them, not when George combined his musical talent with Lisa’s untapped rap skills.

Oh yes, you read that right. Boy George sang a basketball themed ditty featuring an awkward hip-hop verse from the former Olympian, while Carson jetted around the court tszuj-ing up the crowd. Boy George has written so many songs for this season by now he probably has enough to release a new album. Although this latest one was essentially the melody to New Order’s Blue Monday except more cheesy and disco (seriously, listen to them back-to-back). Also, I don’t think New Order’s video featured a guy in skinny jeans and loafers dancing with two young Asian men.

Team Arete, managed by Ricky Williams, took a more sycophantic approach. Matt Iseman found one of Ballmer’s old Microsoft presentation videos online, specifically the one where he’s running around the stage like a buffalo that’s just been shocked up the ass with a cattle prod. Iseman decided to put a twist on Ballmer’s emphatic “I love this company!” line, changing it to “I love this team!” and incorporating it into their whole brand message. I can understand why Matt went this route, particularly since pandering to Warren Buffett in a previous task worked so well for the winning team. However, Ballmer saw it as shameless and uninspired.

Ricky’s team didn’t deliver in the T-Shirt department, either. Brooke Burke-Charvet felt as if Ricky was stifling her creativity. Matt said that Brooke was just trying to cover her ass, although I think he might have still had his mind on last week’s booty burn. So one of Arete had to go, and despite Laila Ali barely appearing in the episode, due to feeling under the weather, she put on her fighting gloves in the boardroom and saved herself, sending Ricky to the termination pile. Ricky was a charisma vacuum anyway, so not a great loss for the show; if only Ballmer could have stepped in to replace him.

No Flex Zone

Last season’s Celebrity Apprentice winner, Leeza Gibbons, joined the advisory panel for the second task of the night, where teams had to sell fitness equipment on QVC. Each team had to pick one fitness item and then try to sell as many units as possible during an eight-minute live segment on QVC, and yes, this meant that Brooke was back with the booty burn, much to Matt’s delight.

Brooke and Carson, both having previous QVC hosting experience, took up the project manager duties for their respective teams. Carson picked the DoubleFlex Total Body Gym, sold on the fact that the item was in stock and immediately available to consumers, rather than the monthlong shipping delay on the other two products. Brooke went for the Obsidian Slide Board which came with mitts and booties (come on, you’re making this too easy!).

Both teams did well, and that’s one of the major stumbling blocks with this season. The teams continue to perform competently; nobody has had an absolute cringeworthy, butt-clenching, nightmare performance. Yeah, maybe Carson should have used Lisa in the segment rather than George and his weight loss story again. (I want to see how they shoehorn that in when they have to promote the new KFC burger meal.) Maybe Brooke shouldn’t have priced her item quite so high. But these weren’t fatal mistakes, and more than that, they weren’t entertaining mistakes that we could point and laugh at.

In the end, Brooke’s gamble on the high priced, out-of-stock item paid off, selling over $17,000 worth of product. It meant that we had to say goodbye to Carson and Lisa in a “shock” double termination. Carson was one of the bright spots of the season with his witty one-liners and general excitement, but after losing two of the tasks he recently project managed, it was hard to justify his place. Lisa also seemed to have been skating on thin ice for a while, and even though she wasn’t exactly at fault for this particular task, when it came to her or George, Arnold made the best decision.

The Boss Goes Bananas

I’ve criticized Arnold a fair bit in these recaps over the past few weeks. His stilted approach and inability to ask hard-hitting questions turned what used to be the most entertaining part of the show, the boardroom arguments, into the most dull and awkward. But after he snapped at Chael last week, he seems to have flipped a switch in his brain, and now he’s gone insane. I’ve been looking for the off-the-wall nuttiness in the celebrities when the craziest person has been sitting right in front of me all along.

Firstly, he’s becoming a GIF machine:

That’s Arnie demonstrating what it would look like if apes exchanged Christmas gifts.

Secondly, I think he’s slowly trying to turn the Celebrity Apprentice into the Arnold Classic. If he’s not crow-barring in references to his bodybuilding career, he’s complimenting Ricky’s physique or asking Laila to flex for him. He also spent an outrageous amount of time talking about the supposed body shapes of female QVC viewers. “How does a woman sitting out there at the age of 50, and she looks at her thighs, and she says, ‘This is cottage cheese. It looks ugly. I can’t even get undressed in front of my husband. I have to hide behind the bathrobe.'”

The celebrities reacted in the only way you can, with a mixture of embarrassed laughter and shock, especially when he told Lisa that she looked fantastic “at her age.” Damn. When I said that Arnold needed to act more like Trump in the boardroom, this is not what I meant. But I can’t deny that it was fascinating, and that’s before he even started talking up the wonders of protein powder. Wait. That’s it! I’ve finally worked out what Schwarznegger Inc. is — the whole thing is just an elaborate sham for Arnie to hawk sports nutrition products!

I hope the remaining two episodes show us Arnold descending further into madness. Don’t be surprised if during the finale he strips down to his Speedo and asks the final two to oil him up while an advisory panel of Steve Ballmer, Tyra Banks, and Warren Buffett judge his physique.

The New Celebrity Apprentice airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on NBC. Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.