‘Celebrity Apprentice’ Finale Recap: Shape Up or Ship Out

Warning: This recap of the “I Don’t Have Time for Anyone’s Ego Except My Own” episode of The New Celebrity Apprentice contains spoilers.

It’s ironic that the final task was about a cruise liner, given that this new season of The Celebrity Apprentice has sunk faster than the RMS Titanic. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maiden voyage as boss of the boardroom has failed to keep audiences hooked; ratings have continued to drop week after week — even after free promotion from the president. And much like the 101-year-old Rose in Titanic, I’m not quite sure how I’ve managed to survive until the end.

It helped that we closed on a cliffhanger last week when finalist Boy George threw an epic tantrum after clashing with a stubborn keyboard player. We left off with George berating a producer and threatening to quit unless the keyboardist was made to walk the plank. “I don’t have time for anyone’s ego except my own,” George said. I guess we finally know why George’s hats are so humongous — to fit his massive ego. I love it when a season finale wraps up all the lingering mysteries.

Obviously, George was never going to bow out (he’d probably be losing part of his paycheck if he did). Plus, it would be hard to fill an hour of television if Matt Iseman won by default. It would just be him and Brooke Burke-Charvet texting emojis back and forth for 60 minutes. Unless, as a prize, the producers allowed Matt to put on a cruise ship production of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I’d watch it. But no, within minutes of the episode starting, the keyboardist had been replaced, and George was back in action. So long, Keyboardist No. 1, we barely knew you.

Things picked up where they left off last time, with Team Matt and Team George ready to host their respective parties. Remember, each team had to present an ad campaign for Carnival Cruises while putting on a variety show and raising money for charity. Matt’s party instantly stole the show, as it included baby kangaroos. Supercute! But does it count as animal cruelty to leave a kangaroo in the hands of a Real Housewife? Luckily, these marsupials pack a mean punch, so I reckon they could handle themselves.

George tried to one-up this parade of cuteness by inviting Caitlyn Jenner, who turned up (late) with a $90K donation for his charity. I still say the kangaroos were the star attraction, even if all they donated was droppings. After fearing that he wasn’t going to be able to raise as much as pop icon Boy George, Matt decided to reach out to his charity, the Arthritis Foundation, for its help in finding donors. His plan paid off big-time, as donation after donation poured in, leaving Matt jubilant and very noisy, much to George’s chagrin. “I don’t shout; I’m British,” George quipped. No, he doesn’t yell when he’s happy, only when a backing musician accidentally hits the wrong key.

After the fundraising, it was time for the presentations and variety show. Matt was up first, and he was in his element on stage, taking the brave decision to perform Arnie impersonations in front of Arnold himself, while highlighting his team’s ad campaign. He then shared a story about his personal struggle with rheumatoid arthritis, before we were treated/subjected (delete where applicable) to a performance by Wilson Phillips and the 1990s hit “Hold On” (the same two words I tell myself before tuning into the Celebrity Apprentice every Monday).

Matt’s presentation had the more personal touch, but George’s had the Celeb Apprentice weirdness that we all know and love. Random backing dancers, a surprise performance from Natasha Bedingfield in a top that rivaled Kylie Minogue’s in the “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” video, a Scary Spice appearance, and Arnold dad-dancing to “Karma Chameleon.” And, of course, George wrote and performed two brand-new songs. He definitely has an album’s worth of material now. Boy George’s Celebrity Apprentice Anthems, featuring classics such as “The Ballad of Welch’s Grape Juice” and “We Will Rise (Clipper Nation Chorus),” coming soon to a bargain bin near you.

George certainly put on the more entertaining show, and his team’s brochure portion of the task was far superior to the rather lackluster effort from Matt. However, Matt made better use of his party space (kangaroos; never forget the kangaroos) and provided a more human touch to his presentation, as well as delivering over expectations in fundraising. Both strong efforts, which made Arnold’s decision all the more difficult.

In the boardroom, Arnold was impressed with Matt’s fundraising, especially with how he managed to persuade fellow ’80s action star Sylvester Stallone to donate. There was a moment where Arnold almost broke out a Sly Stallone impersonation, which would surely have been the greatest thing ever and made this entire season worth it. But he bottled it. However, it did make me think how much I’d love to see Sly as the next Celebrity Apprentice boss. In fact, that’s what NBC should do if they decide to renew the series: Each season, bring in a different washed-up action hero to take over hosting duties. Imagine the satisfaction of seeing Chuck Norris firing Pauly D from Jersey Shore?

The amount of money raised by both men was enormous, with Matt surprisingly coming out on top, amassing an impressive $573k to George’s $446k. If only Vince Neil had picked up the phone when George called! To be fair, he was probably preoccupied with a bottle of whiskey and a Déjà Vu showgirl. After dragging the result out over three ad breaks, Arnold eventually named Matt Iseman as the new Celebrity Apprentice, because he “kicked some serious butt.” You couldn’t get a more Arnold reason for winning.

The cynical side of me thinks, “Yeah, of course Matt won, he works for a fellow NBC show (American Ninja Warrior), this win is a cross-promotion thing to help raise his profile.” But the nicer side of me, the side that “Awws” at baby kangaroos, thinks that Matt was a deserving winner. He was a true underdog (concerning celebrity profile at least) who gave it his all in every task, was always enthusiastic (especially when Harry Potter or Brooke’s booty was involved), and had a genuine, heartfelt connection with his charity. Congratulations, Matt!

And that was it. No fanfare, no music, no live audience and ticker tape falling from the ceiling like in previous seasons — just Carson Kressley popping a bottle of champagne while Matt hugged his fellow teammates outside the boardroom. A sweet ending, but not one that was particularly vibrant and exciting. Which kind of sums up this season — mostly well-meaning, competent people, with a host that was more friendly than confrontational, but lacking the drama and energy of seasons past. Now we wait and see if NBC terminates The Celebrity Apprentice … or, you know, hires Sly Stallone.

Watch clips and full episodes of Celebrity Apprentice on Yahoo View.