"There was gaslighting": "The Bachelorette" Jenn Tran on her toxic ex and today's dating landscape

The following contains spoilers for “The Bachelorette” Season 21 premiere episode.

Jenn Tran is done with toxic relationships and instead wants to find a “ferocious love.” She makes this declaration in the Season 21 premiere of "The Bachelorette," in which she gets her second chance at reality TV love after being eliminated on Joey Graziadei’s season of "The Bachelor."

"I think going in this time around, I really wanted to find someone who was open to being vulnerable,” Tran (no relation) tells me on a Zoom call following the season premiere. “And I didn’t want to have this push-and-pull relationship anymore."

Tran is the first Asian American lead for the Bachelor franchise, which is using her season as a reset of sorts. Not only has production introduced new protocols to ensure the safety of its POC leads, but it's also the first season shot at Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Simi Valley, Calif., instead of the usual Bachelor Mansion. It's certainly the first season where a contestant makes a grand entrance on a stretcher while wrapped only in bandages and a hospital gowtn that exposes his butt cheeks on TV.

Needless to say, the premiere was quite a wild introduction for the bubbly and outgoing 26-year-old Vietnamese American physician’s assistant student from Miami. But she is up for the challenge. Tran wants to take control of her love story, rather than let her love story be dictated by others. She’ll flirt, kiss, date and send home exactly who she wants and when she wants.

Her go-getter attitude is fully evident when she welcomes the 25 men competing for her love, going toe-to-toe with each of them when it comes to charm, cheekiness and flirting. In a refreshing departure from stereotypes of demure Asian women, we get to see Tran be unabashedly feral and horny about her attractions and act on them. In fact, when she selects "Southern charmer" Sam M. for the First Impression rose, they engage in a glorious make-out session that's arguably the best in the franchise’s history.

The excitement doesn't stop there. It turns out the rest of Tran's journey with the men will take place in Melbourne, Australia. "Traveling with a partner is one of the best ways to learn about somebody," Tran notes. A preview of the season promises even more drama, from a toxic ex making a surprise bid to win her back to Tran making an unprecedented decision that sounds a lot like she will be the one popping the question. Time will tell how this all plays out.

Tran sat down with me to discuss meeting the suitors, swearing off toxic men, and what she’ll be looking for during the rest of the season when it comes to finding love in our modern dating culture.

The following interview has been lightly edited for length and clarity.

That was a packed first episode. How did finally meeting the men shift what you were looking for or who you were open to? And what is it about Southern charm that does it for you? 

I don’t know if I had expectations going into this group of men, but I have had a bad previous dating history. I really wanted someone who was willing to put in the effort and initiate and all that stuff. In terms of Southern charm, it’s giving husband. With Southern charm, there’s this sense of “I’m going to take care of you.”

You mentioned that you finally feel worthy of all the attention the men have given to you. What changed for you to get you to this point?

It was really hard to see myself being the Bachelorette and having all these guys come to date me. I think it’s the issue of having never really seen myself as the main character, never having seen myself in that role before because we haven’t had great Asian representation. We’ve never been a main character. We’ve always been a side character and someone not really sought after. So just being there and having those men be so thoughtful and intentional with their time with me made me realize I do belong here, belong in this role and deserve to have my own moment like anybody else.

Are there any strategies to be vulnerable and split your attention between multiple men at the same time? 

I try to stay in the moment for each day. For me, being vulnerable is not an easy thing to do, because I hadn’t grown up doing that. So I really pushed myself to [be open] with each of these men, because I wanted to really lay it all out there for all of them and give each relationship the best opportunity for success. Every big moment counts. Because if for some reason I was open to one and wasn’t open to the other and the latter didn’t work out, I would have regrets about it. I didn’t have any regrets from the whole season because I really stayed vulnerable with each of these men.

What was it like emotionally and mentally to turn men down knowing firsthand what it’s like on the other side?

Yeah, it was definitely hard. It wasn’t easy. I know how quickly feelings can build and how much you can really want someone and want a partner at the end of this. For me, I also was thinking I would never want to lead anybody on. When I knew, I knew and I would send them home. I take pride in being able to do that and letting them go because otherwise keeping them stringing along would be more hurtful to them.

What aspect of yourself (the brain, the heart, the gut, etc) do you listen to when deciding who stays and who goes? 

A mix of all of the above. And I think that that’s a good thing because in my previous relationships, I would only go with my heart. But now, definitely a mix because you want to think logistically, is this going to work outside? And you also want to think, is there a gut feeling here that you are about to enter something bad or do you love this person or not?

I loved seeing and hearing you speak with your mom. What were discussions like with her since this time you’re dating more than one man, compared to the first time? And how comfortable is she being more involved onscreen this time?

She hadn’t been onscreen last season so she was really nervous to be onscreen for this. She’s more of a reserved person. She didn’t want to be on TV. She didn’t sign up for this, so it definitely was a conflicting factor. But at the end of the day, she loves me and is willing to do anything for me. She went on for me because she wanted to support me and be there for me. I never doubted how much she loved me.

In terms of talking about dating 25 men with her, it’s not something she’s used to either. But also at the end of the day, she wants me to find someone who takes care of me even if that’s through dating 25 men. She knows the bad relationships I’ve been in, so she was just happy for me to get an opportunity to be happy.

How important is it to you to find a partner that honors your Vietnamese heritage (like the food and language) and your mother’s immigrant background? And what does that look like, practically?

It’s so, so important for me. I spent probably half of my life hiding that part of me because I wanted to fit in. And I’ve come to a point in my adult life where that is such a huge part of me and a part that I want to continue embracing even more and more. So with dating now, I want to make sure that my partner is open to my Vietnamese culture, to being in a bilingual family and is willing to put in efforts to grow closer with my family, even though it can be tough. It’s not easy to mix different cultures. But it’s so important to me because my mom is everything and my family is everything. You’ll see a lot of those types of important conversations onscreen this season because this is important to me when I’m looking for a lifetime partner.

If you could eat only one Vietnamese dish for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

It would be banh hoi. It’s my absolute favorite and it’s an underrated one.

We’ve heard about improvements that the Bachelor franchise made to make the dating process safer for POC, such as therapists. What was the nature of your discussion with the producers? 

I felt so comfortable with all of my producers and having these conversations about race, culture and what it means to be Vietnamese. It was really nice to have them be so curious and want to learn more and showcase the best parts of me. And we did have an inclusivity and diversity coordinator as well that I could reach out to if needed at some point. But I felt really, really supported by everybody throughout the show.

How do you tell the difference between having genuine compatibility with someone, versus someone saying all the right things to make you like them? 

Actions speak louder than words. Somebody can say all the right things. But after a while, it’s like if you can’t back it up, if you’re not putting in more effort, if you don’t actually really know me at all, then that’s kind of how you tell the difference, you know?

In the preview, we get a hint that someone from your past joined in on the journey. How did this twist affect your ability to process your emotions for dating on the show? 

The moment when someone from my past arrives is definitely pivotal to my journey. It was a moment that changed the trajectory of the rest of the journey for sure. It was a hard thing for me to process, but it’s nice because you can kind of see me process and figure it all out onscreen. I’m excited to watch that part back for sure.

You said you know what dating a toxic person feels like. How would you describe that?  

Toxicity can mean several things. Specifically speaking to me and my previous toxic relationship, I had an ex who was really, really insecure and would put me down in times of success because he didn’t know how to deal with someone being more successful than him or having more wins than him. He really silenced me in times where I wanted to talk about race and culture and he would make fun of it. I should have spoken up more. At that time, I didn’t have confidence and didn’t fully believe in myself yet. So I entered a bad relationship in which he didn’t encourage all the best parts of me. And there was gaslighting and emotional manipulation in the relationship as well.

What is your opinion on some men feeling insecure about a woman financially earning more than them? 

I definitely think that there are some men out there who do get insecure about that because we’ve grown up in this culture where men have always been providing for women. But we’re at this place in our world today where women can work and are earning more than men sometimes. So I think some men are uncomfortable with that. They don’t know how to deal with it and they think it attacks their masculinity in some way. It’s a hard thing for men to sometimes accept.

What are your feelings on our current generation’s bleak dating landscape compared to dating on a reality dating show? 

Our current generation’s dating landscape is pretty toxic to the mindset. People think that they can just swipe and find the next best thing. It allows for a lot of commitment issues for people because we’re constantly overstimulated by social media. Like, Instagram is a dating app. You can DM anybody at any time. There’s just so much information and so much access to all these kinds of different people all at once that it’s hard dating in this landscape. That’s why I’m like, yeah, it is an untraditional way to date being the Bachelorette. But in my opinion, it’s better than swiping right, swiping left all day long, and then not actually going on a date – or going on 10 different dates and realizing it doesn’t work out, etc.

Want a daily wrap-up of all the news and commentary Salon has to offer? Subscribe to our morning newsletter, Crash Course.

If you could be on any other show – reality or otherwise – after “The Bachelorette,” what would it be?

Oh gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about this. What is it? "Grey’s Anatomy," I guess. A reality version of "Grey’s Anatomy." Like a doctor dating show.

What advice would you give to the next “Bachelorette”?

I would tell the next Bachelorette to be the most themselves that they can be and to continue to stay open. The reason why I felt like I was able to explore all these different connections was because I continued to stay present and open in each relationship. I was really surprised throughout the journey by how much I was learning about these men. Maybe initially I didn’t feel anything, but then the attraction would grow. So I would say to stay open so that you can be surprised.

"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC and next day on Hulu.