“The Golden Bachelorette ”recap: The “Men Tell All” lovefest we needed

This week, the gentlemen of the "Golden Bachelorette" gathered for a heartwarming "Men Tell All" reunion.

It’s one of the most stressful weeks of our lifetimes, rose lovers, but at least we got to enjoy a 90-minute heartwarming, humanity-affirming lovefest called The Golden Bachelorette: The Men Tell All reunion.

Let’s recap!

From the jump, it’s clear producers know exactly what we want: Golden guys being their adorable selves. The episode opens with Charles L. giving himself a tour of the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, just as he did night one in the mansion. “Oh, boy,” he marvels. “Wow. Very impressed. Oh, I like it.”

Inject that wholesomeness right into my veins!

Host Jesse Palmer strides out on stage, praising this season as “a journey filled with love, friendship, laughter, and tears — but most of all, hope.” Enough of this, whippersnapper. Show me “the most loveable men in America”!

The crowd loves them all, but the applause-o-meter indicates that the audience loves Charles L. and Mark the most.

Oh great, we’re not even done with the first “this season on The Golden Bachelorette” montage and I’m already an emotional wreck. Quick, Jesse, ask Pascal how bad the snoring was in the mansion!

But all’s well that ends well: Gregg says he was “inspired” to get treatment for his sleep apnea. Huzzah! The host takes a minute to ask Charles L. about his big kickball victory (“Sometimes no experience is the best experience,” says America’s grandpa), but then the conversation turns to something much more important: The Chippendales date. Jonathan — who you may recall killed on the runway as Sgt. Sexy — insists he does not have any exotic dancing experience.

Look at that stud! Few men can pull off an ascot, but Jonathan can. Keith’s daughters Ryan and Annika are in the audience, and they admit that watching their dad bust some moves in a sexy carpenter costume on TV was “a little uncomfortable,” though they were “very entertained” — and happy that “the shirt stayed on.”

Related: Golden Bachelorette host Jesse Palmer reacts to Joan and Pascal's break-up

The Chippendales date, of course, was to raise money and awareness for Stand Up to Cancer — which, it turns out, recently became a very relevant cause for Michael, the 65-year-old retired CEO. “Just before I got the initial call about the show, I was diagnosed with cancer,” he reveals. Though Michael almost decided not to go on the show as a result, his sons and his daughter-in-law encouraged him to go.

“What could have been a really lousy, difficult year for me, instead was kind of a great one,” Michael continues, his eyes welling up. He’s fine now, but he’s still “truly grateful” for his Golden Bachelorette experience. “It came at just the right time for me.”

Aaand I’m crying again. Cool! Jesse, please lighten the mood with some never-before-seen footage of Jack and Charles L. touring the mansion on night one!

“I’m coppin’ dibs on this thing!” Jack bellowed, checking out the oversized tub. “We’ll get some bubbles in there, it’s gonna be a beautiful thing.” Alas, poor Jack never got a chance to use the bathtub, but he doesn’t seem too broken up about it.

Time for the most controversial topic of the night: “Burgergate.” Palmer asks Christopher to explain his “very controversial” decision to put BBQ sauce on the burgers during the backyard cookout — a decision CK continues to defend. “My position is very simple,” he says. “When you’re in charge of the grill, you’re in charge of the grill.”

Periodt. Of course, there are no hard feelings. “I’d like to have not said nothin’,” Jack admits, “but that’s not my kinda thing.” To put a button on the whole affair, Jack grilled up some burgers for everyone in the audience — including Joan’s mom!

Great to see she’s feeling better. And dang, those earrings are fantastic.

Hot Seat No. 1 goes to our ascot-wearing king, Jonathan. Watching the montage of his “journey” makes Jonathan cry, but he says they’re happy tears. “I’m really, really grateful for Joan listening to me, listening to my story, and caring about my heart,” he explains. And Jonathan — like all the other men — is still deeply in (platonic) love with his Golden Bachelorette brothers. In fact, he still has the post-it notes that Mark left in his coffee cup one morning.

Jonathan reads the second sticky note aloud through tears: “I am strong, I am interesting, I am handsome, I am deserving, I am enough.” Yep, he’s crying, Mark’s crying, the audience is crying, I’m crying again. (The camera doesn’t cut to Jesse, but I’m guessing he’s crying, too.)

Keep the Kleenex handy, rose lovers, because Mark is up next in the Hot Seat. Side note: Find someone that looks at you the way Joey looks at his future father-in-law doing a strip tease on national television.

He’s such a gem. “Kelsey wishes she could be here, but I’m happy to be here for the both of us,” says Joey. He jokes that watching the Chippendales date “was a little tough,” but wants firefighter Mark to know that he and Kelsey are super proud of him. All right, Joey — that’s enough cross-promotion. You have a Mirrorball trophy to win. Back to rehearsals, please!

EVERYBODY STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! CHARLES L. IS IN THE HOT SEAT!

The crowd goes wild, prompting Charles’ signature response: “Wow!” Jesse attempts to address the adorable 61-year-old’s new, darker hair color, but Charles isn’t about to give up his beauty secrets. Stop prying, Palmer!

Hoo boy, Charles’ montage is tough to watch — especially his all-important conversation with Guy about his wife’s death. The picture-in-picture cam is full of audience members wiping away tears. On a happier note, the montage gives us this incredible, never-before-seen moment of Charles preparing to enjoy the pool.

If he’s not the next Golden Bachelor — and he should be — producers had better greenlight Golden Paradise and send that man to the beach ASAP.

Once the montage is over, Charles talks about how important the experience was to him — especially because he came into it with so many doubts. “I have never been on TV before, at all” he explains. “Jesse, if you don’t mind, I even didn’t know your name.” The host’s reaction is perfect:

Related: Golden Bachelorette Joan Vassos had 'angst' about asking for major Fantasy Suites change

If it makes you feel any better, Palmer, I’m guessing Charles has never heard of Chr*s Harr*son, either.

Charles’ daughter Sophia is in the audience, and she praises the show for giving her dad a “newfound confidence.” And here’s some good news for the single senior ladies out there: Charles L. is ready to date again! “I hope one day I’ll meet lucky one out there.”

As if on cue, a woman in the audience calls out his name.

HARD AGREE, ma’am!

What’s that, Jesse? You’ve got a never-before-seen clip of Pascal leading the guys in a spa day/meditation at the mansion? Please, bring it on.

There’s nothing I need more this week than footage of these Golden Bachelorette guys puttering around the mansion — yeah, even the more awkward moments, like when Kim tried to compel everyone to sing his “Mansion Men” song. Everyone gets a good chuckle out of that memory, but producers aren’t done with Kim’s ditty yet.

That’s right, rose lovers. The show hired the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles to perform a full and boisterous rendition of “Mansion Men,” complete with a perfectly timed point when they sing the line, “…is meant to have her fall in love with me!”

Kim loves it, and he sings along with gusto. (Jesse also seems to know every word, which is kind of hilarious.) The Chorus gets a standing ovation, as it should.

Hot Seat No. 3 goes to Pascal, a.k.a. the man who peaced out after the Tahitian bonding ceremony during Fantasy Suite dates last week.

Related: Golden Bachelorette star claps back at Martha Stewart for saying 'the guys aren't hot enough': 'Dating is hard'

Watching his breakup with Joan is “very emotional,” says Pascal. “It was very difficult for me to say goodbye. I hope I didn’t hurt her… I just wasn’t able to give her what she was looking for at the time.” But like all of the men on the show, Pascal now understands that it’s okay to struggle with his emotions. It’s even ok for men to cry!

Maxim, Pascal’s son, pipes up from the audience to say that seeing his dad so vulnerable on TV was transformative. “I also struggle being vulnerable, so thank you for that, Dad,” he says. “I love you.” Dang it, I thought I was done crying for the night!

Hey, look — Joan is here!

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Looking good, Glamma. The men take turns thanking Joan for being the awesome woman she is. Gary is thrilled to see that Joan’s mom, Mary, is doing well again. Bob thanks the Golden Bachelorette for letting him share how much he loves being a father of queer kids. “And one more thing,” adds Bob. “The Wayward Lesbians of Marina del Ray are looking forward to an epic Thanksgiving!” Hell, yeah.

Here’s some even more heartwarming news: Jonathan has met someone! The Golden Bachelorette is thrilled for him. And really, she's just happy to see all her former suitors, including Pascal. “You were very kind,” she says of their breakup. “I just want the best for you. I want you to be happy.”

Good vibes all around! There’s only one way to end this love fest, rose lovers: Bloopers. Jesse, roll the tape! Lots of quality content here. The groaning montage! The snoring montage! Kim doing yoga! Jonathan and the spicy guacamole! But nothing will beat this:

He looks great with bangs. Is there nothing this man can’t do?

The episode ended with a preview of Joan’s “emotional” finale next week, but I’m going to gloss over that so we can keep things upbeat. This week is hard enough, right rose lovers? Before you go, let me know your thoughts on this adorable Men Tell All. How many times did you cry during the episode, and what moment made you bawl the hardest? Who do you want to be the next Golden Bachelor? And how long do you think we’ll all have “Mansion Men” stuck in our heads? Post your thoughts in the comments below. (That’s right: COMMENTS ARE BACK ON EW.COM!)

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.