“The Golden Bachelorette” recap: A week of Fantasy-less Suites

This week, Joan and her final three men head to Tahiti for overnight dates — minus the sex.

This week on The Golden Bachelorette, Joan made a bold change to Fantasy Suite dates, and Pascal made a bold decision to peace out early. And before we go any further, rose lovers, I’ve got an important update: COMMENTS ARE BACK ON EW.COM! Seriously! Scroll to the bottom and look if you don’t believe me! Now, back to the episode.

Let’s recap!

Joan’s “journey” picks up on Moorea, an unsurprisingly beautiful island in Tahiti. But this season, much of the Fantasy Suites action will be happening on the high seas — aboard (promotional consideration provided by) Windstar Cruises’ Star Breeze. “It is the most beautiful ship I have ever been on!” gushes Joan. It might also be the only cruise ship she’s ever been on, but we’ll never know.

(Side note: Are you guys watching Doctor Odyssey? It’s terrible, but I love it.)

Back to the recap. Suddenly, just as Joan is lamenting about making such a big decision on her own, who strolls onboard but Nancy from The Golden Bachelor.

Look, their chat is pretty much a rehash of everything we already know, so I just want to detour for a second and tell you a quick story about Nancy.

Back in January, I met several of the Golden Bachelor women during Gerry and Theresa’s wedding (may their marriage rest in peace). I had been asking each of them who they thought would make a good Golden Bachelorette, and when I spoke to Joan, she said she was open to the idea — but she also suggested that Nancy would be a great choice. “If she was the Golden Bachelorette, I would be thrilled,” she told me.

Later that night, I told Nancy what Joan said, and rose lovers, she was literally moved to tears. “You’re kidding!” she replied, her eyes welling up. “She did?” It was honestly the sweetest thing. Here’s hoping Nancy finds her Mr. Right soon — if she hasn’t already.

Anyhow, the first date of the week goes to Guy. They hop on a catamaran and pop some champagne, and fortunately, the conversation flows a little smoother than it did on her last boating date. (Sorry, Mark.) Guy gets choked up as he tells Joan that his kids and his sisters “adored” her. He reiterates that he’s “fallen” for her, and he says he’s ready to share the next phase of his life with her. They smooch a bit, and then it’s time to explore that ridiculously turquoise ocean.

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I’m sorry, are those sharks? How the hell are producers putting our Golden Bachelorette in the water with literal sharks? AND stingrays! One of those things killed Steve Irwin, you guys! Rude.

Meanwhile, back on land, Chock is having a heart-to-heart with our fearless host, Jesse Palmer. “I’m in love with her,” says Chock. “It’s scary, Jesse… And Guy and Pascal, they bring a lot. I’ve got tough competition.” Like most guys in his situation, Chock is feeling anxious thinking about all the bonding Joan could be doing with the other guys during her Fantasy Suite dates — but he’s still holding out hope that he’ll make it to the end. “It’s either going to be an engagement, or I’ll get my heart broken,” he predicts.

By the time she gets to dinner, Joan feels like she’s made a lot of progress with Guy. “He’s certainly as strong as other connections now,” she says. Guy is happy that he and Joan were able to pick up where they left off over a week ago at hometowns. “It was so easy,” he marvels. “And we even have this evening!”

Joan’s all, Oh yeah, the overnight dates! I’m so glad you brought those up! And then she breaks the news go Guy:

“I want to have the time off camera so we can talk and discuss intimate things, but when it comes to the physical part of that, I’m not going to do that with three different people — so I’m not going to do it with anybody right now,” explains Joan. “I’m going to save that for when I have my final person.”

Guy says he completely respects her decision. “So far, you’re thinking the way I’m thinking,” he says. “What’s more important to me right now is the emotional intimacy.”

With that, Joan hands Guy the Fantasy Suite card. But this time the wording is a little different. Gone is “Should you choose to forego your individual rooms and spend the night as couple in the Fantasy Suite” becomes “Should you choose to spend additional private time together this evening, please use this key to access one of the over-water bungalows." But hey, at least the ridiculous, old-timey key is the same!

Naturally, Guy says yes, and he and Joan head off to spend some “additional private time together” without the cameras. In the morning, Guy says he feels “absolutely great,” and that he got everything he needed from his night with Joan.

Hear that, Chock? You don’t have this in the bag yet. Now, strap into that ATV and take Joan for fun, moderately paced spin!

Eventually they start going a little faster, and I got so stressed out, I had to put my head between my knees. Why is this show trying to kill our Golden grandma?? But Joan LOVES it. “Today, I loved going fast in the ATV with Chock!” she says. “He wants to have fun. He likes making memories. He like doing epic things, which is exactly what I want.”

Once their thrill ride is over, Joan and Chock stop for a sunset picnic. The Golden Bachelorette admits she was a little “worried” that Chock’s feelings for her might have faded, but oh no. This man is all in. All. In. Maybe TOO in? In her heart of hearts, Joan wonders if Chock is, in fact, “too good to be true.”

Perhaps she’ll find out at dinner, where Chock knows he is contractually obligated to Open Up? even more. Joan kicks off the conversation by telling him that she’s going to take a “leap of faith and let fate figure it out, and so far, it’s figuring it out just the way I want it to.” Ooh, that sounds encouraging. Okay, Chock — take the baton and run with it!

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“I just think just the closeness and how we work together as a couple is worth taking to the next level,” he says. “There’s never been any doubt. I’m overconfident — but that’s who I am. I don’t want to be cocky, but I’ve felt that we were the right couple from day one.”

Well, at least the guy is (semi) self-aware. Chock goes on to say how moved he was to see Joan cry during the hometown date memorial for his late mother. “You cared about me and my family,” he says. “I didn’t want you to leave without you knowing that I said I was falling in love with you.”

Joan LOVES it. “Chock makes me feel seen,” she says. “And I have complete confidence that he’ll never hurt me.” Ugh, I’m not sure I share that confidence, rose lovers — do you? But here’s hoping, I guess.

By this point in the evening, it’s time for Joan to let Chock know how Fantasy Suites are going to go — and more importantly, how they won’t go. She hands him the Fantasy Suite card and reads it for him (he didn’t bring his glasses), and then explains that there will be no physical hijinks in the Suite. “Joan, I’m perfectly okay with that,” says Chock. They head into the suite and share some champagne — and while Joan said she didn’t want any physical intimacy, she does allow Chock to smooch her passionately on the couch.

Then she kicks the cameras out, LOL. Once again I say, get it you sexy grandma!

The next morning, Chock is all smiles. The evening was “great,” he says. “We had champagne, we had a big, comfy couch, and I had Joan.” Hmmmm… a big couch, you say? Big enough for some hanky-panky? A producer tries to dig for more information, but Chock refuses to kiss and tell. “What did we do? That’s between Joan and myself,” he says with a chuckle. “We had a great time.”

The final overnight date goes to Pascal. Joan really likes the guy, and she’s holding out hope that he’s ready for a real relationship. “Last week after the rose ceremony, Pascal whispered to me, ‘My walls are coming down,’” she says. “So, I have a lot more confidence about where we could be at the end of this week.”

Before he meets Joan, however, Pascal has a sit-down with the Bachelor franchise’s resident therapist.

“I’ll be very honest with you. I was very much in love with a woman about a year ago. I was almost engaged,” Pascal tells the host. “We had two years of a wonderful experience, and then things start changing.” The Frenchman explains that he and his beloved began going through on-and-off breakups, and after the third one he felt it was time to end the relationship. “I want to move on, but I’m having a tough time,” Pascal admits. “I’m at the stage where I’m trying to rebuild… Deep down, I am hurting.”

Uh-oh. That does not sound like a man who is ready to get engaged — nor does it sound like a man who is even over his ex. Ugh, now poor Pascal is getting emotional, talking about his “f---ed-up background” and difficult childhood. “When you’re alone, the only person you have to take care of is yourself,” says Pascal, choking up. “And when you have nobody who is there for you, you’ve gotta survive.”

Oh my GOD, this is killing me. I hate to see this darling diva cry! Palmer does, too. “The Pascal I know is very kind,” he says gently. “And he loves his children.” Yeah, he does! Their conversation ens with a warm hug. Sorry, rose lovers, I need a minute to collect myself.

Okay, I’m back. Though it’s pretty clear to everyone watching that Pascal is not ready to be with the Golden Bachelorette, he hasn’t realized that yet. “I’m excited to spend the day with Joan,” he says, as he prepares for their date. “I’m definitely looking for a lifetime partner… I’m going in with an open mind and try to bring my walls down.”

Aaaand we’ve reached the portion of the episode I like to call “The Devil Works Hard, but Bachelor Producers Work Harder.” Rose lovers, guess what date activity they chose for Pascal, a man who clearly isn’t ready for a commitment? Just guess!

A Tahitian bonding ceremony! One that looks and feels a whole lot like a wedding! Because that’s just how these demonic producers roll.

Of course, things didn’t start off so intense. First, Pascal and Joan got lulled into a sense of complacency as they’re treated to a Tahitian feast, prepared by a French-speaking Tahitian host who makes Pascal feel right at home. Everyone is having a grand old time, as Pascal banters with the host about whether the meat in their stew was chicken or rooster. (Survey says: “That’s a cock!”) When the host tells them it’s time to move on to the next step of their date, things start to get awkward.

First, the host has them wade ankle-deep into the ocean and scoop up some water with their coconut-shell bowls. From there, they must state out loud the feelings and burdens they want to “release.” Pascal says he wants to release his walls “and the fear as well,” so he can “bring someone into my life.” Joan says she wants to release fear as well: “My fear is that I won’t be honoring John’s memory,” she says, her voice tight with emotion.

Oh, boy — now the priest is bonding their hands with a rope made of woven leaves.

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I told you this felt like a wedding! And as the ceremony goes on, it’s pretty clear that Pascal is starting to feel uncomfortable. “I’m a little confused,” he admits. “This is not what I thought we’d be doing today… I thought I’d have something more casual. Something more like being silly, being kids again. Not something where we have to talk about our feelings and emotions. I wasn’t ready for that.” In that moment, Pascal has an epiphany. “I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready,” he says. “I’m — I’m not ready.”

That night, Pascal boards the Star Breeze for his dinner with Joan. The ceremony, he admits, “freaked me out.” He knows he has to have a hard conversation with Joan, and naturally, he’s dreading it. Oof. Let’s just get this over with, rose lovers.

“Let me have a deep conversation with you,” he begins. Pascal tells Joan about being hurt “big-time” after breaking up with his ex last year. Then his daughter signed him up for The Golden Bachelorette, and he was happy to give it a go. “To be honest with you, I thought I wouldn’t last that long,” he continues. “Why am I here? Why me?”

Joan, who perhaps doesn’t yet realize what’s coming, tells Pascal that he reminds her of her late husband, John, “because he embraced life like you do.” That said, she wants him to know that she doesn’t expect him to replace John — she just wants someone similarly “fun and adventurous.”

Honestly, I’m not sure why Pascal let her say all that, since it’s pretty clear he knew he was going to end things from the second he stepped aboard that ship. To wit: “Today I got scared because I’m having a very difficult time, you know, to let go,” he says. “I care very much about you and the last thing I want to do is to hurt you. And I just don’t think that I could get to the place where you want me to be.” Poor Joan does NOT love it.

“Okay,” she says, after a fraught pause. “I don’t want a broken heart at the end of this. If you’re not ready, that’s one thing. If you’re never going to be ready, that’s another thing.” Alas, it’s the latter. “I care about you as a friend,” says Pascal. “But I’m not in love… I need that spark, and I just don’t have it. I just — I’m sorry.”

Poor Joan! Poor Pascal! The guy says he’s “damaged goods,” which is just heartbreaking. Speaking of heartbreak, Joan is pretty devastated. “Now I just want to go,” she whispers to Pascal, sneaking a glance at the exit. Like the gentleman he is, Pascal escorts her away from the table and even scolds the cameras for following them.

Of course, the cameras don’t go away — they just lurk behind the stairs while Joan and Pascal share an emotional hug goodbye. “I’m a phone call away from you,” he whispers. They exchange mutual “I love yous” — it may not be romantic love, but it’s love! — and then Pascal makes his way off the ship.

“I feel like a failure,” Joan admits tearful. “My hope is, like, down to nothing.”

Hang in there, glamma! You ARE loveable, you will NOT leave here alone, and you WILL be okay. Damn this stupid show for making me cry AGAIN!

Fortunately, rose lovers, next week is the Men Tell All, so I’m hoping the mood will be a little lighter. And we’ll get to see this adorable dreamboat:

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Before you go, let me know your thoughts about this week. Does Guy have a shot over Chock? If Pascal had stayed, do you think Joan would have given him her final rose? And again, are any of you watching Doctor Odyssey or am I the only one dumb enough to have it season passed on my DVR. Let me know your thoughts IN THE NEWLY REVIVED COMMENTS SECTION BELOW!

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.