The Golden Globes' dream team

In good news for thin-skinned celebrities, Ricky Gervais isn’t hosting the Golden Globes this year. In good news for all humans, 30 Rock‘s Tina Fey, 42, and Parks and Recreation‘s Amy Poehler, 41, are. The pair, who coanchored SNL‘s ”Weekend Update” and costarred in Baby Mama and Mean Girls, chatted with EW about rejoining forces to emcee one of Hollywood’s biggest — and booziest — awards shows (airing live Jan. 13 at 8 p.m. on NBC).

Each of you could have hosted separately. Did you want to do it only if you could host together?
TINA FEY
It’s 70 percent less stress, 78 percent more fun.
AMY POEHLER
When you’re like Tina and I and you’ve been married for 45 years, it’s tough. Nobody wants to see a married couple host together. But we’re going to do our best.
FEY
Definitely the appeal to me was doing it with Amy. It’s also because we both come from an improv background. We’re not stand-ups, so we don’t necessarily ”work a single,” as they say.
POEHLER
When I’m bombing, I like to be able to look into the eyes of someone else who’s bombing with me.

The Globes have a rep for being loose, unhinged, and tipsy. On a scale of 1 to 10 cocktails, how drunk will you be when you get on the stage?
POEHLER
We’ll be stone-cold sober.
FEY
A lot of Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. Be very clear about that…
POEHLER
People don’t know that Tina likes to drink her cocaine.
FEY
I boil it into a syrup.

What is your hosting ”strategy”? And how will it be different from Ricky’s?
FEY
We’re going to be the first people ever to do a man-to-man hosting strategy. We’re going to tell a joke to every single person in the audience. Most people do a zone — we’re going man-to-man.
POEHLER
You know what we’re going to do? We’re going to act really shy and coy. We’re going to be really giggly and do a lot of really quiet jokes that we’ll say into our sleeve. We want to make it be like an inside joke that nobody gets. [”Both laugh.”]
FEY
What might be exciting for us as a comedy pairing is, I feel — and forgive me, Amy, if I’m speaking for you — but I feel like we’re both just, just old enough that we don’t really give a s— anymore.
POEHLER
I will tell you that the good news is, both personally and professionally, I have a large case of the f— its right now. And it’s the perfect time to host something of this magnitude.

Which celebrities in the audience should be scared of the jokes you’re planning?
FEY
I mean, if you’re not there, we’ll probably hit you harder. We’re just that kind of chickens—. But our job is to keep the evening going and make it fun. Not necessarily to break comedic ground or take people down a peg.
POEHLER
But I am going to knock that smile off of Daniel Day-Lewis’ face.

You’re both nominated for best actress in a TV comedy/musical. Make a half-hearted pitch for the other person.
FEY
You know what, Amy’s just… She’s overdue. She’s just been around so long…
POEHLER
Thank you. And I would just say that I feel like this year Tina really wants it.

What would happen if Liz Lemon and Leslie Knope hosted this event together?
FEY
I think Liz would complain a lot, but she would turn in a lot of jokes.
POEHLER
And Leslie would spend a lot of time shaking hands with the seat fillers and never quite make it onto the stage. I don’t think either one of them would ever get past security.

What surprising things have you learned about the Hollywood Foreign Press Association through this process?
FEY
We’ve been meeting with all 90 of them at a hotel near Newark airport every weekend to write jokes.
POEHLER
Tina and I are very Method. Whenever we’re doing a character, we like to go deep. So we’ve been doing a lot of ride-alongs with the Hollywood Foreign Press and seeing what their day is like.
FEY
It’s amazing. They live a full year off the food they pocket at junkets. They’re able to stockpile enough food and water. They live in the trees around the Four Seasons hotel when there’s not a junket.
POEHLER
And half of them are ghosts. A lot of people don’t know that.
FEY
Most things that people have thought were Bigfoot over the years? Hollywood Foreign Press.

When are you going to make another movie together? Are there any ideas kicking around?
FEY
Not currently, but I’m sure we’d both like to. It’s just that TV series take up a lot of time. So I’m available now. [The series finale of 30 Rock airs Jan. 31.]
POEHLER
I know that, weirdly, we’re both separately working on post-apocalyptic vampire sex comedies.
FEY
We should probably just combine them.
POEHLER
I dunno, I just don’t see how those two middle-aged vampire women could live in the same world. But it doesn’t matter. We’re going to find a way to work on that together. Or we’ll just play Rocco Ritchie’s grandmas in 2035.