Inside Jussie Smollett's 'Darkest Day' and How the Alleged 2019 Hoax 'Tested My Strength': 'I Was Numb' (Exclusive)
In a wide ranging interview with PEOPLE, Smollett sits down to discuss the aftermath of the 2019 incident and how he's facing the future
Jussie Smollett doesn't care what anyone thinks. In his eyes, only the universe can right his wrongs.
Still, the road to finding inner peace was one of the hardest things he's ever faced. He's learned how to "hold on for five more minutes" amid the chaos of the last five years — a close personal mantra he now holds dear to his heart.
In an exclusive sit down with PEOPLE since the 2019 incident, Smollett, 42, joins the Zoom conversation "ready as I'll ever be" from his hotel room in New York City. He's currently on the road, promoting his sophomore feature film, The Lost Holliday.
Five years ago, Smollett, who identifies as a gay Black man, claimed that on Jan. 29, 2019, while on his way home from a Subway sandwich shop, he was attacked by two men late at night, yelling racist and homophobic slurs, putting a rope around his neck and dousing him with bleach.
After an investigation conducted by law enforcement, prosecutors alleged that Smollett staged the attack to get media attention and paid $3,500 to two brothers, Abimbola "Bola" and Olabinjo "Ola" Osundairo, to help him pull it off.
Following a jury trial in 2021, Smollett was found guilty of five felony counts of disorderly conduct for making false reports to investigators in December 2021 and was sentenced to 150 days in jail in March 2022, a $25,000 fine and to pay more than $120,000 in restitution for overtime expenses incurred by the Chicago Police Department. Six days into his sentence, the actor was released on bail pending his appeal, which is ongoing.
Despite the narrative he says so many have assumed, Smollett maintains his innocence to this day.
"I was numb," he says, recalling the incident to PEOPLE. "I didn't know how to connect the dots. I really genuinely did not know. I couldn't make sense of what was going on, and I couldn't make sense of what people were actually thinking ... what exactly do they think happened? I couldn't put two and two together."
The Empire alum thought that there was "no way" the public could believe "a stupid rumor" and that the majority of the noise was being created by "haters."
"They had a mission," he explained. "I felt very disconnected from that. I still to this day can't entirely make sense of, 'What the f--- was that?' But obviously it was painful. I certainly am not going to sit here and try to act to the world as if I was fine."
Smollett says he has since put in years of self-reflection and healing, calling it "difficult." In fact, he says, "We're still dealing with the repercussions from that narrative. We're still dealing with that every day."
"At the same time, it's not in my mental and it's not in my soul, it's not in my spirit," says Smollett, who TMZ reported entered an outpatient rehab facility in 2023. "People can say what they want about you, but they have no control. They can do whatever they want, they can even put you behind bars. They can control your physical, but they can't control my mind. They can't control my spirit. They can't control my soul, and they can't control the knowledge that I have of who I am."
Related: Jussie Smollett Enters Rehab, Takes ‘Necessary Steps’ After ‘an Extremely Difficult Past Few Years'
When he thinks about his "darkest day," Smollett pinpoints Feb. 21, 2019 — the day he was arrested.
"That was a pretty dark day because that's when everything clicked to me of what was happening," he recalls. "A lot of things tested my strength, a lot of things tested my mental, but the one thing I never lost — I never started thinking that I am somebody that I'm not. That is the one thing that did not happen."
"Keep in mind, I was deep in my thirties when this happened. This isn't like I'm a 16-year-old or a 20-year-old, [where] this is impacting their very being of who they believe that they are. I never started thinking that I am somebody that I'm not."
At the time of the incident, Smollett was embroiled in headlines and the discourse surrounding hate crimes within America's growing political and racial divide. Even former President Donald Trump tweeted that the actor had "insulted" his "tens of millions" of followers with his "racist and dangerous comments."
"I don't know that, back then, I entirely knew just how caught up in that conversation I was. I really didn't. I wasn't aware of just how much of a political football I was — from both sides," he contemplates. "Things can't be stifled because the world is going to keep on spinning."
Because of this, Smollett says he's "changed my approach a little bit" when it comes to speaking up about "the things that matter" to him and the social justice issues he's passionate about.
"I have a more adult grown up way of talking about it now, but at the same time, my views have not changed," he says, adding that he now approaches things with a "gentler" touch. "My heart has not shifted at all. I'm the same man that I was and will always be this way. If tons of people are listening to you, you should say something worth them hearing."
With his case before the Illinois Supreme Court as he fights for an appeal, Smollett continues to look forward to the pockets of joy he's created in his life with the help of his loved ones. Their unwavering support has become a lifeline in what may have been an otherwise dark alternative.
Related: Taraji P. Henson Shows Support for 'Empire' Costar Jussie Smollett, Cites Emmett Till: 'Free Jussie'
"I'm grateful for the people that know who I am," says Smollett, who released his directorial debut B-Boy Blues in 2021. "I'm grateful for the folks that would stand up and defend me, not because they have to, but because they want to, and because they not only believe in me, but they believe me."
"I don't take that lightly. I have some pretty incredible people in my corner, and I am here still because of them. If I did not have them, I can tell you honestly, I wouldn't still be here."
"I'm very grateful to be alive and currently on a journey to find true peace. The world would've swallowed me whole had not been for my family."
Now, Smollett experiences so many more days "filled with light than darkness." He's aware that anyone on the outside looking in can think "I'm sitting there somewhere just being so sad and crying a couch, all of that type of stuff, but I'm not."
He no longer wants to dwell on things of past because "I have to move forward.” He adds, "I must."
"I'm not going to sit here and victimize myself and be like 'Woe is me,' because there's so many people that don't have the platform or the resources that I have to protect themselves," Smollett says, saying that people often admit to crimes they didn't commit because they feel it's "the easier way out."
"I'm very well aware of my privilege in this situation. That's why there's a certain point where it's just like, I can't hold on to the pain," he continues. "That's why I'm blessed to continue on and make film and make music and do the things that I was put down here by God to do."
This new perspective "hasn't always been easy to look at like that." There were times Smollett was "so mad and just so bitter about it all."
Related: Jurnee Smollett Shows Support for Brother Jussie After 150-Day Jail Sentence: 'Jussie Is Innocent'
"You got to look at those bad moments in your life and think, 'Huh, if they were to make a two-hour film about my life when I'm done, that would probably be a seven-minute storyline at most,'" he says. "All of the other things that you do in your life should be able to hopefully outweigh things that you went through that are really, really difficult."
As he looks towards to the future, in addition to achieving new milestones in film and music, Smollett's deepest wish is to become a father in the next five to 10 years.
"I pray to have a child. I'm the type of person that I think that I would feel... I'll say this, I can't imagine my life ending without having been a father," he admits. "I just don't see that. I can't visualize me not being a father, because I know I'd be a damn good father. I know it."
Smollett says it's one of the reasons why he's "still in the game" and fighting "in all of this."
Rodin Eckenroth/FilmMagic
Jussie SmolletRelated: Taraji P. Henson Says Jussie Smollett Is 'Doing Well' Since Hate Crime Charges Were Dropped
"I want my future kid to look at me and be like, 'Yo, he did that. He got through things and he created a world, or attempted to create a world and leave it just a tiny bit, or a lot of it, better than it was when he found it," he says, laughing. "I just really want my kid to like me and be proud of me. I'm doing all of this stuff is for my kid, for one day them to read this conversation and just be like, 'Oh, he said that he was doing this for us. And he did.'"
The actor says his desire for children is reflected in the plot of The Lost Holliday, in which he directs and stars as Jason, who becomes a single father to his adopted daughter when his partner Damien (Jabari Redd) is tragically killed in a shooting. The film also stars Vivica A. Fox as Cassandra, Damien's estranged mother, who travels to Los Angeles to plan the funeral of her son.
Smollett tells PEOPLE of his "biggest" piece of advice for those struggling through hard times, "You got to hold on five more minutes and five more minutes after that. Because if you let go at four minutes and 50 seconds, you've missed those 10 seconds that things could have gotten right."
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When asked if he had a message he'd like to share that's gone unsaid, Smollett replies, "No. And you know why? Because the universe takes care of all things, and the universe shows the truth."
"You can stuff it down, you could tie a block of cement to the truth, [but] the truth is always going to float to the top. It might take longer depending on what's holding it down, but the truth will always float to the top."
"I've moved on and I know that the world, one day, and it might be long after I'm gone, who knows, but one day the world is going to fix this. I just can't wait for that to happen, because I have a life to live," he concludes. "But the world is going to fix it all."
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