Melissa Gilbert Reveals She Has Neurological Disability Misophonia: 'Dark and Difficult Part of My Childhood' (Exclusive)

The "Little House on the Prairie" actress "sobbed" when she learned that her intense reactions to sounds like chewing and clapping were due to a real, treatable condition

As a kid, Melissa Gilbert was known as sunny "Half Pint" Laura Ingalls on the beloved TV series Little House on the Prairie, but the actress says behind her wide smile, she was secretly struggling.

Everyday noises, like the sounds of chewing, popping gum, nails clicking — even hands clapping— would provoke her to anger.

When she'd film scenes for the show in the school room set, "if any of the kids chewed gum or ate or tapped their fingernails on the table, I would want to run away so badly," Gilbert tells PEOPLE. "I would turn beet red and my eyes would fill up with tears and I'd just sit there feeling absolutely miserable and horribly guilty for feeling so hateful towards all these people—people I loved."

It was, "a really dark and difficult part of my childhood," says Gilbert, 60.

Many years later, she learned that her intense reactions to certain noises were due to a real neurological disability known as misophonia, a condition in which those suffering from it experience strong and unpleasant emotional, physiological and behavioral responses to sound, and sometimes visual triggers

"I sobbed when I found out that it had a name and I wasn't just a bad person," says Gilbert, who is hoping to create awareness about the disease together with the Duke Center for Misophonia and Emotional Regulation at Duke University's School of Medicine.

For years, her family thought she was just a fussy kid who "would just glare at my parents and my grandmother and my siblings with eyes filled with hate," she says. "I really just thought that I was rude. And I felt really bad. And guilty, which is an enormous component of misophonia, the guilt that you feel for these feelings of fight or flight. It's a really isolating disorder."

Her condition became more intense as she reached menopause, when she says she found herself lashing. "I was more touchy," says Gilbert, the co-founder of lifestyle brand Modern Prairie who is married to actor Timothy Busfield. "As the estrogen leaked out, the anger seeped in and it started to really affect me on a daily basis with loved ones."

Related: Little House on the Prairie's Melissa Gilbert, Karen Grassle and Alison Arngrim Reunite Ahead of 50th Anniversary

"I sobbed when I found out that it had a name and I wasn't just a bad person," says Gilbert, who is hoping to create awareness about the disease together with the Duke Center for Misophonia and Emotional Regulation at Duke University's School of Medicine.

For years, her family thought she was just a fussy kid who "would just glare at my parents and my grandmother and my siblings with eyes filled with hate," she says. "I really just thought that I was rude. And I felt really bad. And guilty, which is an enormous component of misophonia, the guilt that you feel for these feelings of fight or flight."

Her own children knew that even the simple act of chewing could set her off. "I had a hand signal that I would give, making my hand into a puppet and I'd make it look like it was chewing and then I'd snap it shut — like shut your mouth!" she recalls. "My poor kids spent their whole childhoods growing up with me doing this. They weren't allowed to have gum."

Her reactions to sounds became even more intense as she reached menopause, when she says she found herself lashing out. "I was more touchy," says Gilbert, the co-founder of lifestyle brand Modern Prairie who is married to actor Timothy Busfield. "As the estrogen leaked out, the anger seeped in and it started to really affect me on a daily basis with loved ones."

Related: Little House on the Prairie Star Melissa Gilbert on 'Half Pint' Hitting Menopause — and Why It's a 'Gift' to Grow Old (Exclusive)

Even though she knew the condition had a name, she didn't realize there was a way to treat it until last year when she discovered Duke's Center for Misophonia.  "I wrote in just randomly and said, 'I need help. Please help me,'" says Gilbert, who shared a video about her experience on the center's website.

The center's director Dr. Zach Rosenthal, wrote back telling her, "There's help. You're not alone." That, she says "was huge." She learned that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is an effective treatment for the misophonia, and she underwent 16 weeks of "intensive" CBT therapy.

"This is an emotional issue. It's about self-regulation and self-control," says Gilbert, who urges others suffering to avoid "snake-oil" salesman who claim they can offer treatment or medication to get rid of the condition. With CBT therapy, "I realized I could ride out these waves but that they're not going to go away. They never go away. But now I have all these tools to enable me to be more comfortable and less triggered. It made me feel in control."

She learned, for example, to recognize that one early sign that she's feeling stressed is that she clenches her feet. "So as soon as I start to feel it coming, I relax my feet," she says. "And once I have control over my feet for some reason, I can do everything else."

Because of the tools she learned in CBT, "everyone around me doesn't have to walk on eggshells," she says. In fact, last Christmas, she gave her kids a special present: packs of gum to chew without fear of her reaction. "It's changed my whole life."

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