Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 14 Premiere Recap: The Surprise Party From Hell

Welcome back, my little Garden State gawkers. It’s time for the Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 14, Episode 1 recap. In this premiere episode, called “Birthday Bombshell,” the ladies are all back, bringing with them their never-resolved feuds. As for these ladies’ currently hard-set alliances, only time will tell if a defector exists within RHONJ Season 14.

The ladies are back

Things start rather kindly, as we first see Melissa, urging Antonia to start packing for college. She’s leaving their facelifted Franklin Lakes estate in three weeks, so they’re stressing. The cameras cut over to Margaret’s house next, where she’s simply fluffing her bedspread with Marlene, her hilarious housekeeper. Danielle and Nate then take over from their living room, where they’re shooting a toy money gun at their daughter.

I call next. But also, moving forward, please note that Jennifer = Jennifer Aydin, and Jen = Jen Fessler. If that’s annoying, picture me as Teresa, saying “Kiss my titties.”

Speaking of drama, after roughly 0.067 minutes of peace, it starts arriving over at Rachel’s house, where she’s setting up for a family get-together. Once her guests arrive, Rachel explains that she’s working with Jeff to throw his wife Jen a surprise birthday party. Jeff wants to invite all of the ladies because Jen doesn’t like to leave anyone out. Jennifer didn’t respond to Rachel’s invite though, but Teresa did, and she’s all in.

Don’t get too excited though. Rachel’s still not over the investigator drama from Season 13.

Over at the Guidice castle, Teresa’s daughter Gabriella is also packing for college. Several beats later, Luis brings up the topic of Jen’s upcoming surprise party. “Follow my lead,” Teresa tells him, noting that however she behaves in front of her brother and his wife, then that’s how Luis should behave as well. Luis agrees, saying “Perfect, yeah,” but back at the Gorgas, they’ve decided to approach this party with zero f*cks given attitudes.

As for Jen herself, Margaret dropped in for a quick chat, where Jen explained that Teresa had called her on her birthday. In response, Margaret said Tre’s “dead to me.”

Here we go.

When meatballs kill

Thankfully, Dolores still has love for Teresa, so she and Paulie join Tre and Luis for a date night. Naturally, Jen’s upcoming party gets brought up. Teresa reveals that Luis is trying to make amends with the cast, so he texts John to try and have a sit-down before the party. In response, John texted back, saying that they could just talk at the event.

They ordered. But Italian food makes Paulie deathly ill, so he opts for a steak.

As for Teresa’s thoughts about seeing her costars again, she’s not too stressed. She is triggered though on one aspect, divulging that a few of her costars had made a pact to bring her down at the reunion. Paulie nodded in agreement, noting that he’d also overheard some chatter on this little pact as well.

Double-sided dildos and drugs, oh my

Finally making an appearance, Jennifer’s back from her trip to Italy, so she and Teresa decide to venture over to Jen’s party together. In the car, Jennifer brings up a blind item about John. This blind detailed John’s love for double-sided dildos. It also rehashed his past narcotics-related arrest.

The camera then cuts to John, like only a well-oiled Bravo machine can. He’s laughing about these claims with the other men. In turn, they raise their glasses, cheersing to dildos.

Sames.

And finally, the Paterson-adjacent party goes down

Finally. Jen’s long-awaited, much-discussed surprise party is here. Every single cast member is now in the same room. Insert the chaos in 3, 2, …

Once Jennifer and Teresa arrive, they immediately head over to the men, saying ‘sup to all but Joe. After this, they venture on over to the ladies. Margaret hugs Jennifer, but then she walks all the way away, not wanting to be near Teresa.

On a positive note, she walked over to Jackie with Melissa. They congratulated Jackie on her memoir, The Weight of Beautiful. In the same nod to peace, Jen arrives, and she’s thrilled.

Then, everything goes to hell. Paulie tells John that he should’ve taken Luis up on his chat request, but John disagrees. He goes in on Paulie, telling him that he’s on the wrong side. Naturally, Joe chimes in, and things spiral downwards.

Over in ring 2, Teresa’s taking on Rachel, saying “Your husband went for my husband, trying to ruin his reputation.” Rachel agreed that the husbands should talk, but as Teresa explains “Gentlemen, they meet privately,” Rachel asks “What do you know about gentlemen?” After a long, wide-eyed pause, Teresa claps back that her husband’s a gentleman. Rachel disagrees.

Deciding to leave the party, Teresa says hi to John super sweetly. “Hi, double-sided dildo,” she says. Holding out her arms towards John, Rachel also jokes “Here comes the biggest drug dealer in Bergen County.” Teresa and John then fight, and zero winners were found.

Minus Jen. She takes the mic, stating “I’m having the best time. Regardless of the bloodshed.”

Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 14 continues every Sunday on Bravo at 8/7c.

TELL US – WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE RHONJ SEASON 14 PREMIERE? WHO’S IN THE WRONG? CAN THIS CAST MOVE FORWARD?

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