Ringer season finale recap: Photo Finish

I haven’t cried this much since my childhood pet died. I came close when Justin Timberlake announced his engagement to Jessica Biel. I mean, he clearly didn’t see Stealth! Yikes. But my emotions went through a literal ringer — get it? — when Babbabooie Macawi ripped apart Siobhan’s GINORMOUS PHOTO! How could they do it? Don’t they know my attachment? Also, CW folks, are the remnants of this portrait laying around anywhere? I have scotch tape in my office and would be willing to move one of my posters. Would a Tide stick get out Macawi’s blood?

Well this brings us to the possibly final Ringer recap. Sadly, the jury is still out on whether or not the show will get a second season. Frankly, I need at least a few episodes to discuss if they could save that iconic piece of art. But I would say that most if not all of the mysteries of the series were revealed at the end of this season. Now, to be fair, I can’t really keep up with all the mysteries they introduced (Is this the show with the hatch?). But I do think it’s pretty impressive that the writers and producers were able to keep all these balls in the air and make it all (sorta) make sense. So, now Ringer recappers, herewith is my breakdown of the finale highlights.

TO TELL THE TRUTH

So the episode opened with a wedding dream sequence in which Macawi showed up to the vow renewals of Bridget and Andrew. And I don’t think he was wearing a tux. Le scandale! Then, we all wake up and Bridget goes to her AA group and tells them that she plans on revealing her identity to her family. Here’s one remaining mystery: Where the hell is Malcolm?

Apparently, the wedding is gonna be in Turks and Caicos so Bridget is gonna ruin that. Um, stripper, you’d be lucky is someone took you to Red Lobster — don’t screw this up! Bridget arrives home and finds Kemper in her apartment. Somehow this dude got out of prison which I’m still not really clear on. He says he wants money from Siobhan or else he’ll tell Macawi that she is Bridget…which she is. Confused yet? But he also only asks for like $50,000. Who does that? Shoot for the stars dude. They’re having a Turks and Caicos wedding. They commission GINORMOUS PHOTOS of themselves! These folks have money. There’s a flashback to John and Siobhan propositioning Kemper in a bar and asking him to scare Bridget so that she’ll flee to her sister. Siobhan greets him with the line, “I’m the good twin.”

Bridget looks completely freaked out during dinner with Juliet and Henry which apparently she cooked in between being blackmailed. Just as she’s about to tell Henry the truth, he reads her this lovey dovey poem and compares her to a dove. Awww stripper, you got compared to a fancy bird!! Romance! At one point, he mentioned how “amazed” he was at Siobhan and I honestly thought he was going to break into that country song. It was like an episode of The Bachelor.

So Kemper got a visit from Macawi who, after watching Glee, kinda reminded me of the dreadlocked dude from The Glee Project. Am I alone? It’s possible I’m just a mess after my favorite television photo was destroyed. Anyways, Macawi kills Kemper but not after he tells him that he’s found Bridget.

Andrew is leaving work when Gemma’s dad, Tim, stops him and tells him about the Henry affair. Yikes. And back at the apartment they’re having some sort of going away party. Um who has going away parties for vacations? I guess people who take GINORMOUS PHOTOS of themselves. Andrew arrives furious and yells at Bridget. Madchen Amick is back (I sorta forgot she was even on the show) and provides a shoulder to cry on as well as a place for Juliet to stay. Then, Bridget notices Kemper’s murder on the TV and freaks out and calls her girlfriend, Agent Machado. Those two are like besties. If she needs a maid of honor, I think Machado would be a good choice. But as she’s talking to Machado Andrew returns home and we have the confrontation we’ve been waiting for all season long: Bridget tells him she’s not Siobhan. He’s not thrilled to find out he was headed on vacay with a former drug addict/stripper/whore. I guess she’s no “dove”anymore. Bridget goes to Madchen’s house to come clean to Juliet too. Also, Madchen has a life-size samurai warrior in her foyer. Who is decorating these houses? It’s like some weird Bravo reality show with people competing to have the most garish decor.

NEXT: We pay homage to the best performance ever by an inanimate object in a CW show

TWIN SET

Henry and Siobhan visit the twins at the hospital and he brings up naming them. Of course Henry wanted Franny and Zooey while Siobhan wanted Portia and Arabia. Doesn’t anyone have names like Megan or Paul? Lordy. Henry tells Siobhan he wants her to forgive Bridget and move with him to Chicago. She seems to agree with him. He then sort of tackily asks her to go dutch on buying their home. Um dude. She just gave birth to your twins…or did she? Also where the hell did she get all these baby clothes? Like she doesn’t have friends. She didn’t have a shower. She looked like she had about 100 Christening dresses. Siobhan later checks her bank account and realizes it’s drained and is like “Um, how expensive was this house?” I mean I can see Henry making a really dumb purchase. He did have bangs for the first half of the season after all. Henry then tells her he knows that the paternity test came back negative and he’s NOT the father. Notice that I’m capitalizing “NOT” because that’s how it read on the paternity test. Very helpful for those near-sighted TV viewers at home! Henry then says he’s done with Siobhan and throws her out.

GOODBYE MY PHOTO, MY FRIEND

As Andrew and Juliet leave for their vacay with very little luggage, I might add, Siobhan sneaks into the building. She’s like a badly named ninja. While she’s rifling through her own jewelry, Macawi shows up and they start wrestling. Meanwhile, she’s wearing a coat that looks like a giant black and white cookie. Bridget then shows up in the lobby hoping to smooth things over with Juliet. She sees the dead doorman and starts running up to the apartment. Don’t they have the penthouse? Um she can really haul in heels. Those Martin girls are surprisingly athletic. All that pole dancing paid off.

And then came the moment where my heart sank: Macawi goes to stab Siobhan and hits the GINORMOUS PORTRAIT. Ugh. It’s like a knife in my heart. Then Bridget shows up with a gun that Solomon gave her and shoots Macawi. Because she apparently never saw a horror movie since she was all coked up and slutty, Bridget didn’t realize bad guys always come back to life. But she ends up shooting Macawi in his head with blood going ALL OVER THE GINORMOUS PORTRAIT. Fine, kick me when I’m down. Argh. Somehow Siobhan sneaks out of the apartment. I guess she shimmied down the drain pipe.

She heads back to the hospital and tells the nurse she doesn’t have anywhere to go with the twins. The nurse says she may be able to find a cot. Brutes. Top tier hotel in Paris to a cot in the janitor’s closet. Before she gets bed bugs from the hospital cot, Siobhan exclaims, “I have to get my old life back.” Good luck gurl.

So Macawi is dead and then Solomon shows Bridget security footage that proves Siobhan didn’t kill herself on the day of the infamous green screen boat ride. Bridget then heads over to Henry’s and outs herself as Bridget. Then he finally tells her the truth that Siobhan knew someone was trying to kill her (secret lesbian Catherine) and she wanted Bridget to take the bullet. And scene!

RIP GINORMOUS PHOTO Sept. 2011-April 2012. You will be missed.

Follow Tim on Twitter: @EWTimStack