‘Scream Queens’ Recap: Bad Blood

Warning: This recap for the “Blood Drive” episode of Scream Queens contains spoilers.

The human body is a miraculously complex, beautiful, total nightmare. There is not one thing about it that isn’t somehow terrifying if you think about it long enough. For one thing, the human body contains A SKELETON. WHY? What does it want? What is it waiting for? And the dark truths continue: These skeletons currently hiding inside of our bodies are wrapped up in RAW MEAT. Think about that for a second. And when you’re done thinking about that, keep in mind that our bodies are also FULL OF BLOOD. Great job, Creator. Great job of making us walking horror shows!

It makes sense that a show called Scream Queens might heavily feature human bodies, as the human body is terror incarnate. But for a show that has spent a season and a half exploring the different scenarios that lead to the spilling of blood, it was about time we had an episode ALL about blood. Specifically, a blood drive! And “Blood Drive” did not disappoint if you are a blood enthusiast. (Are you a blood enthusiast? Please stay away from my family.) And if you’re wondering whether this episode contained at least one “little prick” joke, the answer is duh. Hey let’s talk about “Blood Drive”!

We began outside, where Dean Munsch was not thrilled about her hospital’s diminishing supply of clean blood.

As it turned out, donations to the hospital’s blood bank had pretty much ceased, leaving the Chanels to simply mop up the blood of murder victims. Which, crafty! On the other hand, dead mice and other detritus were ending up in the blood bags. This called for a blood drive.

As an expert phlebotomist, Chanel was ALLLL ABOUT IT. Aside from gifting hurtful items to Instagram followers and berating Chanel No. 5, drawing blood was kind of Chanel’s thing.

At this point, Nurse Kirstie Alley started talking to us in voiceover as we saw her stalk through the hospital glaring at the Chanels… It turned out she had a personal incentive to destroy them: Her sister had been Miss Bean! Yes, the obese house maid from their sorority who’d been pushed into a deep fryer in Season 1. Didn’t you notice the resemblance? Anyway, Nurse Kirstie Alley now had revenge on the brain. (Also, a severe pill addiction.)

That’s when she unveiled a new scheme: Awarding an expenses-paid trip to Blood Island for whomsoever acquired the most blood (by any means necessary) for the hospital. Now, you and I might be given pause at the name “Blood Island,” but this is Scream Queens, so the reaction was more like this:

Next thing we knew, the Chanels were drawing tons of blood! Mostly from their own bodies, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

At this point, Chanel’s ‘romance’ with Dr. John Stamos truly leveled up with a discussion of whether to continue having safe sex or not. Set to the totally unearned and almost offensive use of the Yaz classic “Only You” the two decided to get STD tested, and until then Dr. John Stamos would continue to use three condoms at a time. Responsible!

One of the funnier jokes involved Chanel waking from a dead sleep only to find Hester standing over her bed with a knife. And Hester didn’t even attempt to deny she’d been doing it. The plain fact was, she was bored! Fair enough? It was clear Hester needed more to do than simply stand around and refuse to finger the killer(s). Within minutes she was dressed in a ludicrous pink nursing uniform and tending to an unwell weirdo. Welcome back, No. 6.

Meanwhile Chanel was desperate to win that trip to Blood Island, and she’d turned her needles toward the other Chanels. Chanel No. 5 was more or less tapped out (in a kind of literal sense?) so she went after one of the new recruits, a goth who’s afraid of needles. I loved when we got this goth-eye-view of Chanel holding an ENORMOUS needle for effect. I too would run from the room.

The weird patient-of-the-week was a guy who’d come to believe he was a vampire. Meaning, he was allergic to sunlight, had an aversion to garlic, and craved human blood. He became Hester’s responsibility, and she believed the only way she could cure him of his bloodthirst was to FORCE-FEED him ALL THE BLOOD. And do you know something? It worked! Unfortunately it severely cut into the hospital’s blood supply, which was already low due to the discovery that Chanel No. 5 had tested positive for ALL THE STDs. (Mostly false positives, though Dr. John Stamos was now fully turned-off.)

After goth Chanel finally agreed to let Chanel take her blood, she made the mistake of allowing Chanel to leave her unattended. Man, it was like BEGGING to be murdered. And sure enough! Enter Green Meanie…

Who unmasked himself to reveal that he was Dr. Taylor Lautner! Considering he was last week’s “baby in the belly” this wasn’t exactly a huge twist. Also, the further reveal that there was another Green Meanie in the hospital with whom Dr. Taylor Lautner was not working was another non-twist. These killers always come in pairs. But I guess it was notable that Nurse Kirstie Alley wanted to get in on the Green Meanie action as well?

He even allowed her to ‘finish’ off the goth Chanel. And if we’re being honest, they did a great job of dressing the crime scene:

Aw, poor goth Chanel! She did not deserve this kind of treatment in my opinion.

There was a weird/dumb side plot involving Zayday continuing to try and track down the “baby in the belly” whom we knew to be Taylor Lautner. Also, why hadn’t she simply asked his mother for a photo, or looked him up on LinkedIn? Instead she went to several crazy lengths to get the mother’s blood type etc. Chamberlain eventually had to trick the old lady into eating “worm” pie so that he could get her saliva tested. Guys, I don’t know.

Sorry, Scream Queens. What a dumb and useless subplot, even for you.

So then Dr. Tayor Lautner switched labels on his donated blood in order to make it look like Dr. John Stamos was the “baby in the belly.” After a fun conversation about whether or not he was simply a haggard 30-year-old or not, he lost his temper, banged his bad hand through a glass table top and ran out of the room threatening a reckoning. Okay?

Our final scene involved Dr. Taylor Lautner apparently becoming so stoked about having a partner that he gifted a Green Meanie costume to Nurse Kirstie Alley! The two of them were now murderin’ besties, just prowling the halls like a couple of murder twins. Which, if you’re keeping track, meant there were now at least three Green Meanies. Because why not? Why not a dozen Green Meanies? Why not EVERYBODY a Green Meanie? This season is a real Green Meanie fiesta.

“Blood Drive” was a very subtle, intelligent, and nuanced look at modern medical — just kidding. This show is ridiculous.

What did YOU think of “Blood Drive”?

Scream Queens airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on Fox. Watch clips and full episodes of Scream Queens for free on Yahoo View.