The Shameless shameless rankings: Frank is ready to have another Gallagher kid
After a few months off, Shameless is back for the final seven episodes of season 9, and, more importantly, the final seven episodes for Emmy Rossum.
Despite originally being filmed as a typical eighth episode of the season, “The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From the Alibi” has the feel of a season premiere, catching up with the Gallagher men as they settle into new relationships. Fiona is continuing to spiral downwards, and the always scheming Frank is ready to be a father again. Or make that a grandfather.
So grab a beer, bail your sibling out of prison, and find out how shameless your favorite Gallagher was this week.
1. Frank
Just when you thought Frank couldn’t become a worse father, he goes and tricks his son into bringing another Gallagher into the world. None of us have enough time to rank Frank’s most egregious actions, but getting Carl’s sperm so he could impregnate Ingrid has to be in the top 10. Admittedly, I was surprised at Frank’s reaction when Ingrid sprung her frozen eggs on him. But he was all in, despite the lack of suitable materials at the doctor’s office. The episode’s funniest scene was probably Frank trying to get better porn, including his request for some Nina Hartley, which is a fun inside joke for Boogie Nights fans (the porn star played William H. Macy’s wife in the film). Sex with Ingrid is finally what gets a sample from Frank, but his sperm analysis score is unsurprisingly low. He begs for another chance, prompting him to bet sweet, innocent Carl that he can’t masturbate in less than three minutes. It was actually one, so take that Frank! Well, Frank does take that right back to the doctor.
2. Fiona
Guys, I’m starting to think Fiona isn’t doing so well. She’s basically in the same condition we left her in: arm in a cast, turning into a drunk (drinking in the shower is a sure indication), and living at home. And finding out that her building was sold for much more than she got for it doesn’t make her feel any better, evidenced by her spray painting vulgar messages on the sign for the retirement home she invested in. But maybe the most shameless thing that she does is something we don’t see but are told: Lip and Debbie have been giving her money for bills but she hasn’t been paying them. In second place is probably her berating that guy with the food allergies.
3. Carl
I hate to say it, but Carl is officially a terrible influence. I know, it’s unexpected. When he’s not winning $100 from his father for quickly masturbating, he has Kelly sneaking out of her house to have sex with him in a tent and helping him steal Bird scooters. That poor yoga lady just wanted some Boba!
4. Debbie
You have to respect Debbie stepping up and taking control of the family finances, but no need to become a dictator. No one likes a warm fridge, Debbie.
5. Lip
Responsible Lip is clearly here to stay. The eldest Gallagher son spends the episode being a grown up, whether he’s working, looking for an apartment, or becoming smitten with Tami. The one thing that was childish of him was pointing out that building manager’s huge penis. That man doesn’t need to be shamed!
6. Kev and V
Kevin Ball is finally getting the son he’s always wanted (no offense, Yevgeny). He’s hoping for a baseball player he can rename after himself. What he gets is 12-year-old Santiago whose only English is the National Anthem, which he sings nonstop. Santiago is also a hard worker, only taking a break from cleaning the Alibi when Kev brings out the mitts. But this is no regular game of father-son catch as Santiago has a hell of a fastball. Mrs. Hernandez from the dry cleaners soon comes by to translate, learning that Santiago’s family was seeking asylum and his father was sent to a detention center and his sister somewhere else. That’s a bummer, but Kev has a very important question: “Ask him if he knows how to throw a changeup.” Despite Kev’s declaration of love for Santiago, V insists they can’t keep him. In Kev’s defense, he did get emotional the first time he heard his new son sing.
Kev’s good guy run continues later when he kicks some scumbag out who was hitting on Fiona (she was down smh). He then carries a passed out Fiona home and lays her down on the couch. Kevin Ball, you are too good to be true.
7. Ingrid and Santiago
Easy solution: Let Ingrid adopt Santiago.