“Survivor 47” recap: Another week, another heartbreak

Cue the tears.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… STOP EVERYTHING! Put down the makeshift Survivor baseball bat, Sam. Stop sketching complex strategic formulas into the sand, Andy. Cease all FYC award season campaigning for your Oscar-worthy acting performance at Tribal Council, Sol. Because somethin’ ain’t right, and I’m not referring to Rome’s goofy-ass hat either.

We’ll get to the Safety Without Power advantage. We’ll get to Tiyana’s heartbreak. Hell, we might even get into Jeff Probst describing food reward items with a hushed passion that implies he would like to have sexual intercourse with potato salad. (And we’ll also get into the fact that comments are back on these recaps after a decade or so absence, but more on that later.) Right now, we need to get into this: What’s up with Kyle getting an individual immunity necklace with nothing for Teeny and Genevieve?!?!?!

Sure, they (along with Sierra, Sol, Andy, and Sam) all won group immunity and a big feast and access to an advantage, but WHAT ABOUT THE STATS?!? You all know what I am talking about. The only thing Survivor nerds like you and I are geekier about than watching Survivor is our dumb Survivor stats. And the dumber the better. What is the longest a contestant has held onto an idol without playing it? Who has lived the most days on the island without making an aqua dump? How have players who wore their buff on their wrist at Tribal Council done compared to ones who wore it around the neck compared to ones who wore it on the forehead?

Related: Survivor 47 contestants explain their biggest pet peeves (exclusive)

But nothing gets Survivor nerds salivating more than individual immunity stats. Who has the most wins? Who has the most wins by gender? Who has the most wins by age group? Who has the most wins while barefoot and with three or more tattoos and a first name that ends in a consonant but a last name that ends in a vowel? All that stupid stuff! We love it! So why oh why does Kyle now get credit for an individual immunity win, but Teeny and Genevieve — who both outlasted Kyle — do not?

It’s oddly infuriating, and yet I have no solution. There was certainly no point in Teeny and Genevieve continuing the competition since they had already won group immunity and the feast that went with it. And yet… had I been one of them, I don’t think I would have dropped once Kyle did. I would have gone for my own individual immunity win, even if it was in spirit only. And I would have demanded my own badass bat necklace as well. I mean, why the hell does Kyle get to sport that Fijian bling and I don’t? That’s some serious BS right there.

And now, Survivor stat nerds are left in a conundrum. Do we credit Kyle with an individual immunity win even though two other people beat him? Do we not credit Teeny and Genevieve with one even though they defeated the guy who just got one? Do we credit both Teeny and Genevieve with a win even though they ceased competing against each other once Kyle dropped? IT’S SO CONFUSING! And I’m kind of mad at the producers for putting us all in this quandary quagmire, so let’s just move on and get to what else went down on episode 7 of Survivor 47. (And, yes, comments are back! You can weigh in yourself, or ask me any Survivor questions, at the bottom of the article.)

Related: Survivor 47 star Rome Cooney got a 'salty' reception at Ponderosa

Dandy Andy

The episode began with the fallout from Andy being the back-up plan on the Rome vote. Sol went to the startled Andy to explain his vote for the so-dubbed George Costanza of the season, placing 100 percent of the blame on Sam for offering his alleged alliance-mate up as the back-up vote. Man, Sam just cannot catch a break. First, the dude has to watch his beloved Bears lose in heartbreaking fashion because one of the players was too busy prematurely taunting fans to play defense on a Hail Mary, and now Sol just took him down from the top rope. Rough week.

Instead of burning bridges with Sol for the vote, Andy sought to build them, making what appeared to be a secret moonlight alliance… which sounds way more romantic than I intended. My bad on that. But the joining extended all the way through to the morning. (Again, way more sexual than I intended.) That’s because after being treated to a hilarious montage of alleged memories dancing through Andy’s head, we saw him “merging agendas” (not my words) with Genevieve, who just lost her number one in Rome.

Are either of these new alliances actually real? Hard to say. It’s quite possible, had this been a giant 12-person Tribal, that Sol and Genevieve would have simply joined the others in taking out the easy vote in Andy. But the more that numbers dwindle, the fewer easy votes there are, and the more valuable Andy becomes. And the fact that he is not simply content to be Sam and Sierra’s disposable appendage and is willing to be the author of his own story is awesome to see after what can only be described as one of worst first three days in Survivor history. Good on Andy.

Related: Survivor 47 exclusive deleted scene shows Rome sitting out advantage hunt

Tik-tik-boom (mic)

We already discussed the weirdness of Kyle being the only person to win individual immunity even though he only got third place in the challenge, but we didn’t discuss the challenge itself, or the big twist of separating the tribes. The competition itself was balancing a ball at end of pole while holding the pole above your head, and was inspired by the sound operators at the tribe camps that have to hold a pole in the same fashion with what is called a “boom mic” microphone at the end.

A cool inspiration, although it’s essentially another standing-in-line-and-balancing something contest, which the show thankfully has not been overdoing of late. But the big thing here was the twist of randomly dividing the players into two teams, and the person who lasted the longest out of everyone would win a feast and immunity for everyone on the team. They also, however, would not be able to vote at Tribal Council. Everyone on the “losing” team, except the final person to drop from that side, would be vulnerable.

So how do we feel about it? It’s complicated, right? On one hand, clearly the fairest thing to do would be to just let the players play and not separate them. Introducing more randomness and luck into the mix definitely takes away from the spirit of may the best person win. However, Probst has not been shy about expressing his legitimate concern over easy, unanimous votes when you have big groups like this, and we often have seen that play out. Hell, it played out just last week! And while last week’s episode was absolutely incredible just because it was the epic downfall of Rome, big unanimous group votes do tend to be boring.

We may complain about fairness and not letting the players play, but admit it: We’d all be grousing about a boring season if it turned into groupthink vote after vote. How many times have we seen just that, and how many times have we complained about that exact problem on some recent Big Brother seasons. (And if you do not watch Big Brother so that reference means absolutely nothing, then congratulations, you actually do possess a modicum of taste that I, sadly, do not.)

Anyway, I guess my point is, while I do not conceptually love splitting the tribe up after a merge, I totally get why they do it.

Related: Jeff Probst reveals results of unaired Survivor 47 schoolyard pick

Baby got back ribs

I’m sorry, but are we going to talk about Sol full-on sticking the communal potato salad serving spoon inside his mouth at the winners’ feast? I mean, I know certain etiquette goes right out the proverbial window when you’re living on an island, but homeboy was just licking the shiznit out of that thing. I didn’t realize Senator Slobberpuss was running for reelection in 2024. The amount of saliva Sol just layered all over that spoon was positively absurd, as he was basically French-kissing the spoon for God knows how long. (Thankfully, the camera cut away before Sol made it to second base.)

Maybe if Sol had been paying a little less attention to making a love connection with the potato salad spoon, he would have noticed the advantage hidden right next to him (clearly playing hard to get). Of course, Sol eventually did find it, sticking it up his butt (or at least in his underwear) so nobody else would notice. While it was funny watching Sol cluelessly sit right next to it for so long, as well as Andy getting busted for searching, it would have been pretty amazing if no one had found it at all.

Clearly, producers wanted the advantage to be found and put in play. The big dramatic payoff of Rachel stalking out of Tribal Council depended on it. So what would they have done if Sol had not found it? Made Sam’s baseball game go into extra innings until it was discovered? Pushed Tribal Council a night later until the damn thing was found? Moved the advantage on top of the spoon in anticipation of Sol’s next booty call?

It never came to that, as Sol discovered he had obtained not an advantage for himself, but rather an advantage he could send to a member of the losing team, giving them either a Block a Vote or Safety Without Power. And he could do so anonymously. After all the talk about Gata and Lavo working together to take out the Tuku five, it seemed pretty obvious Sol would give the advantage to Rachel. Especially because she was the only one who actually needed it, which would give the advantage impact and also provide Sol a loyalty chip to play later on.

However, I am surprised he kept it completely secret. After forming at least an alleged alliance with Andy, sharing news of the advantage with him seemed like a perfect opportunity for Sol to build bonds with the person he just voted against at the previous Tribal Council. And this is coming from the guy who always bitches, moans, and complains when players share news of their idols and advantages! But this was completely different. The advantage was expiring in a few hours and could not even be used by Sol himself. Again, a perfect opportunity to build some social bonds out there. Who knows? Maybe he told the spoon about it.

Related: Survivor 47 star Andy Rueda details comeback from meltdown to merge

Loser island

While the winners were busy napping right next to an advantage, the losers were stuck over on the Lavo beach as Rachel hoped that the Tuku five she was with might somehow turn on each other. Tiyana was certainly game. She’s had it out for Gabe pretty much since day one. She says it’s not personal, but there clearly has been a disconnect between those two players. The problem for Tiyana was getting anyone else on board, even with the sound and solid argument that if they came out of Tribal Council five Tuku strong that the other tribes would gang up on them. True, but with the other two tribes already planning and plotting Tuku’s demise at the feast, that would likely happen no matter how many Tuku survived.

In any event, the plan was pretty much shut down by Caroline, who gave the most astute comment of the episode, telling a worried Tiyana that “I think they will go after us, but not go after us.” She meant that the Gata and Lavo alliance would most likely target Kyle and Gabe first, and the ladies could survive until the next power realignment. That’s such a smart take. Every few votes, someone ends up at the bottom and becomes a super important free agent vote in the war between new power factions. If Caroline could just survive one or two Tuku purge votes, she would likely be sitting pretty again.

I’m truly fascinated by Caroline. We haven’t seen her a ton this season, but she clearly is constantly thinking about the game. I have no idea if she has the social relationships necessary to win, but I dig watching her try to map everything out. And it really all came down to Caroline in the end after Rachel threw up deuces, said “Seeeeeeee yaaaaaaaa!” and strutted out of Tribal Council.

Related: Survivor host Jeff Probst explains how he does not fall into the ocean

After that, we knew Gabe was voting Tiyana, and we knew 45-year-old Sue was voting however Gabe voted. (Gabe even told Kyle “Sue will do whatever we f---ing want.”) So the only conversation that mattered in that entire live Tribal was the one between Kyle and Caroline. “T has been completely percent honest, and her story always checks out every single time,” Kyle told her. “I feel like Gabe is a bigger hit.” He may have been right, but that would mean Caroline breaking her pact with Sue. Plus, leaving Gabe in the game provided another shield moving into tomorrow.

The level of distress on Caroline’s face told us exactly what she was about to do. “My brain is not fully equipped to handle this at this moment.,” she told the Hostmaster General, and that looked to be a pretty accurate assessment. But the emotional turmoil was only beginning. After seeing her name come up unanimously, Tiyana was truly shocked. It was all there: The open mouth… the absent-minded forgetting of bag and shoes… the crying while bringing the torch up… the devastated look back at the people that just crushed her reality TV dreams… the more crying while walking off the set.

Caroline didn’t look much better, unable to even rise as the others started leaving Tribal Council. It was all delicious, made even more so by Sol’s acting on the other side of the Tribal Council set.

You had to feel for Tiyana. Or at least I did. I met Tiyana over a very technologically temperamental Zoom call — she in Fiji just days before the game; me in suburban New Jersey at a truly ungodly hour trying not to wake my wife up. But the game before which we spoke was not Survivor 47, it was Survivor 45. Like Rachel for season 46, Tiyana was an alternate who traveled all the way out to Fiji in the hopes that she, not unlike fellow Survivor 45 alternate Austin Li Coon, would somehow actually make it onto the show. She didn’t, and she had to wait another year for the chance. She finally got in, and then goes out on a fluky advantage one spot before the Jury. Ouch.

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All that said, as I’ve mentioned over and over so many times this season that I’m that starting to sound like my broken Tears for Fears record, her emotional exit made for absolutely fantastic television. For my money, that has been the excelling aspect of Survivor 47 — the abundance of completely flabbergasted (TK, Kishan) and emotional (Aysha, Anika, Tiyanna) exits. Just gold star, A+ money television, each and every week. May the contestant misery continue!

And we’ll continue on here with a few important notes. Did I mention comments are back? I did? Well, I just mentioned it again! We used to have quite a bustling community here back in the day, so hopefully we can bring it back. Weigh in with your thoughts below, or ask me any Survivor questions there and I'll respond!

We also have plenty of other goodies for you. Goodies like the entire cast weighing in on their biggest pet peeves, and there are some doozies, including "humans in airports." Goodies like an exclusive deleted scene showing a fear of the “girls alliance.” Goodies like Jeff Probst weighing in on the episode. And goodies like an exit interview with the dearly departed Tiyana. Check it all out at your leisure. And while you patiently wait for next week’s scoop of the crispy, may your Halloween cup runneth over with lots of 3 Musketeers, the most criminally underappreciated candy bar in modern history. Yeah, I said it.