Survivor recap: Sierra Fights Back... Finally!

Monty Brinton/CBS

A lot of you thought I was too harsh on Sierra last week, but I stick by what I wrote. Yes, other tribe members were being mean to her, and yes, it was great to see big bully Tyson voted off instead, but she did nothing — NOTHING! — strategically or socially to make anyone want to keep her in the game. Hell, even the people that saved her didn’t bother telling her or including her in their plans. Southern gentleman J.T. even called her a “bitch.” I get that it’s natural to root for the underdog, but all she did was whine and pout. I demand action and intelligence from my Survivor contestants, not woe-is-me sob stories. I say all this, because Sierra finally did something worthwhile in this last episode (and no, I don’t mean being voted off). I’m not sure whether it was for strategic purposes or just because she was being vindictive, but the woman became aggressive. She got in Coach’s face. She made Debbie cry. She outed them both as liars, liars, pants on fire. It didn’t save her, but at least it showed she had a spine. And it sure was a lot more entertaining than her one-person pity party. But, as always, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take it from the top. After last week’s blindside of Tyson, we were all hotly anticipating how Coach was going to react. The answer: Total submissiveness. He and Debbie were falling all over themselves complimenting J.T. and Stephen on the move, even thanking them for not telling them beforehand. Thanking them!!! “Bold and brilliant, tonight,” said Coach. “Absolutely no hard feelings.” No hard feelings? What happened to “I will be a ravenous wolf for anybody who wants to go head to head with me and I will cut them off at the knees with no remorse and no regret”? What could have possibly transpired in the mere one-hour or so it took to get back to camp? Did the wolf stop for a snack along the way and become significantly less ravenous? Wow, way to back up those words, Coach. You’re such a freakin’ warrior! While J.T. and Stephen assured/lied to Debbie and Coach that they still wanted to go to the final 4 with them, Debbie was starting to wonder if they should try to get the old Timbira together. Ah, old Timbira. Never have I seen a tribe up in numbers at the merge self-destruct so quickly. Absolutely amazing. You know what was not that amazing, however? The reward challenge. This is what the Survivor producers like to refer to as a “F— you” challenge. Basically, they ask a lot of questions in the hopes of upsetting cast members who find out their tribemates don’t like them as much as they thought, and then make them eliminate each other in the hopes that it will reveal to someone that they are much further down in the pecking order than they anticipated. Unfortunately, neither thing happened. It was hard for Coach to get too upset with being named as the person who hasn’t lived up to their potential, when even he chose himself. And Debbie couldn’t get too riled up about being picked as the person who would never survive on her own when she already thought that about herself as well. So, a bit anticlimactic, that one. NEXT: Stephen does something dumb The one interesting thing was when J.T. was named as the person others would trust with their life. “I don’t know why everyone trusts me so much,” he said. “In this game, I’m not that trustworthy, and it seems like people would catch on to that. It may be the accent.” The thing is, he’s probably right. I think it is the accent. The whole charming hillbilly thing has definitely worked to his advantage. Stephen ended up winning the hum-drum affair, and then he did something incredibly stupid. After sending Erinn off to Exile (non) Island, he picked Taj and J.T. to accompany him on the natural spring reward. It kills me when people pick their best buddies to go with them on these things, thereby leaving others to potentially bond and conspire against them. Why would you leave Sierra, Coach, and Debbie back together at camp? It’s just not smart. For one thing, it sends Coach and Debbie a clear message that Taj is in your alliance before they are. For another, it lets them work the floater Sierra and try to bring her back to their side. Which is exactly what they did try to do — only very awkwardly. “I thought you said you were gonna be loyal,” Coach asked Sierra. “And then you wrote my name down at Tribal Council, ” she responded. The only thing that would have made that any more delicious is if she had added on an “aduh” at the end for emphasis. I found it interesting how Coach could sit there and berate Sierra for having no loyalty whatsoever, yet at the same time not only refuse to take J.T. to task for blindsiding him, but even go so far as to compliment him for doing it. Thank you, sir, may I have another! (It must be some sort of “warrior code” thing.) Then it was Debbie’s turn to freak out upon being informed by Sierra Mist that Taj was in tight with J.T. and Stephen. “I’m done. I’m done,” Debbie started yelling and then stormed off. Isn’t this pretty much what Sierra did to Debbie in the previous episode — starting a conversation and then abruptly demanding its immediate conclusion once it didn’t go as planned? People are awesome. Hey, if you thought the reward challenge was boring, wait till you check out the immunity one! The first three contestants who could use a grappling hook to retrieve three bags moved on to the second round where they had to roll a ball through a maze, and no, it was not more exciting that I just made it sound. I hate to write this because I know a lot of the challenge department people and they’re all super smart, creative guys, but this season has kinda been dudsville as far as challenges go. Part of the problem is that they haven’t been able to do a whole lot in the water. If you look at the seasons that had some of the best challenges (Palau and Pearl Islands being two examples), they had a good mix of surf and turf, and yes, I realize those last three words sound vaguely like a combo dish you’d order at a Benihana. When you get stuck on land, your options become more limited. But just in general, a lot of competitions this cycle have seemed…well, uninspired. Very rarely have I seen a course or heard Probst explain the rules and said to myself “Cool!” Of course, I try to make it a point to not talk to myself, but you catch my drift. It’s been a down season for challenges. NEXT: An eye roll for the ages {C} So anyway, Coach shocked us all by beating out J.T. for immunity and randomly yelling out “Dragon Slayer!” in the process, but the real drama was about to occur back at camp. Sierra was trying to convince Stephen and his man-crush J.T. that it was Coach who was lying when he told them that Sierra had tried to restart the Timbira alliance. According to Coach, his response had been, “I cannot do that to those guys. There is gonna be no Timbira alliance. I don’t like it. It makes me sick to my stomach.” Which is apt considering he makes 90 percent of America sick to their stomachs, but I digress. Sierra could have stopped there, but then she did what anyone who is about to get voted out should do — she stirred the pot. “I have no problem confronting him to show you that he was lying,” she said to J.T. and then sure enough, away she went. The best part about this was that you knew Coach would never capitulate and instead would just ramp up his rhetoric even more. “I have not lied in this game, nor will I,” he exclaimed. (For her part, Debbie started sobbing, “I’m too old for this.”) Coach, of course, always saves his inexplicable best for Tribal Council. “I’m not eliminating anybody because I’m afraid they’re gonna beat me later on in the game,” he insisted, although Brendan would be exhibit A in the case against that absurd statement. Sierra certainly found it absurd. Wait, a second…the exaggerated eye rolls, the audible exhales, the visible head nods — that’s not Sierra. That’s Survivor Vanuatu/Micronesia Tribal Council facial expression champion Eliza Orlins!!! No one else can go all the way around on a single eye roll. That’s pure 100 percent Orlins right there! Or not. Now that I think about it, Sierra is too blonde, and not nearly chatty or high-strung enough to be Eliza. But I did wonder if Eliza felt threatened by this new contender for the indignant facial expression crown, so I — and this is not a joke — emailed her in Bosnia (yes, Bosnia) to see if she was confident she could take the young upstart in a one-on-one “face-off,” if you will. “I would take Sierra down in an eye roll competition!” she replied. Okay, that’s not exactly the most exciting quote in the world, but in Eliza’s defense she said she was also super exhausted and perhaps a little bit drunk. Still, them’s fighting words! It’s on, Sierra! Eliza is calling you out! But Sierra was just getting ready to call Coach out for his big lie. Would he admit it? Of course not. Don’t be silly. “I honestly think that in Sierra’s warped mind, that she thinks she is telling the truth,” was his explanation. Where did he come up with this one? It was easy, considering that everything in Coach’s warped mind he believes to be true. (Remember the mad posse of Peruvian dwarfs?) He then went on to compare himself to Stephen from the Bible getting stoned in the temple and pleading, “God forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Speaking of the Almighty, I’ve always considered Coach to be sort of like God’s concept album. It’s as if the Lord woke up one day and said “I want to try something a little different and a little experimental with this one — something a little freakier than Tommy but not quite as flat-out insane as Chris Gaines.” And thus Coach was born. NEXT: A very curious vote cast {C} Taj was right on the money (something I’m guessing she has quite a bit of being married to Eddie George) when she described the big Sierra Vs. Coach and Debbie feud as a soap opera. But people on soap operas have to die. True, they may later come back to life or be reincarnated as a Satanic goat, but they do die. And it was Sierra’s time to die (in the game, at least). We all kinda saw it coming, but there was still an intriguing twist with the vote with Erinn casting one for alliance-mate Stephen (complete with “Never again. Sorry” written underneath). What was that all about? My guesses. 1.) She was worried about a hidden immunity idol coming into play and the possibility of someone casting one vote against her thereby sending her home, so she voted against Stephen as protection against that. Or: 2.) She promised to never cast a vote against Sierra so was just throwing her vote elsewhere to not piss off a jury member. You all probably have better guesses than that. Or you went and watched the casting votes video at CBS.com which isn’t up yet as I write this. Okay, a few notes before you hit the message boards. Will Jeff Probst now finally clear up any of the hints he’s dropped about Sierra dating a Survivor producer? Go read his EW.com blog to find out. Due to some logistical snafus, there will be no Survivor Talk this week, but you can still see the latest exclusive deleted scene staring at you below. Check it out. Are you a fan of Lost, American Idol, Jim Parsons or going to Comic-Con for absolutely free? If so, you’ll want to watch the latest episode of Must List Live!. No, seriously — you will. Okay, so are you standing in line to throw stones at Coach? Have J.T. and Stephen already won the game? And why do you think Erinn cast a vote for Stephen? Post your theories on the message boards now. See ya next week! [Sorry, video not available]