Today, I’m Really Questioning How Much Travis Kelce Is Too Much Travis Kelce
Do me a favor. Watch the beginning of this trailer for Ryan Murphy’s new creepo FX show, Grotesquerie (streaming below), but pretend you don't know it’s a trailer for Grotesquerie. You’ll find a jolly Travis Kelce previewing said trailer, uncomfortably rubbing his hands together like he’s introducing...
1/ The preview for an FX horror series, which finds Kelce taunting poor Niecy Nash.
2/ A (very real) three-minute-long, hybrid Pepsi-Gladiator II commercial, with Kelce fighting a CGI tiger from the inside of a Pepsi can, alongside Megan Thee Stallion, Derrick Henry, Josh Allen, and Justin Jefferson.
3/ An episode of New Heights, his $100 million podcast.
4/ Tonight’s Chiefs-Ravens game on Thursday Night Football.
5/ The upcoming Toronto leg of the Eras Tour.
6/ Prime Video’s Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? reboot—which will see him as the host!—premiering in October.
7/ A dispatch from the set of Happy Gilmore 2, which he'll star in alongside Adam Sandler (and which he’s currently hyping on New Heights).
8/ A dispatch from the set of Chad Stahleski’s Loose Cannons; he is reportedly in talks to star.
9/ What I’m pretty sure is a Cheerios commercial, featuring Travis appearing to spoon-feed his brother cereal while saying, “Here comes the Honey Nut Cheerios choo-choo train!!!”
Which one would you have guessed?!? Because those are all things that have happened (or you wouldn’t blink twice if they happened, because he’s very much involved in those projects) before Killa Trav put on a Chiefs uniform to play a down of regular-season football. Don’t get me wrong: I love Travis Kelce, as well as the Whole Ass Orbit of Travis Kelce and Miscellaneous Friends, Family, and Partners: Jason, Donna, Kylie, Taylor Swift, Blake Lively (sometimes), Ryan Reynolds (also sometimes), Ice Spice (rare but not unprecedented), and Patrick Mahomes. He’s a fun guy. I even own him in one of my nine fantasy-football leagues! That’s something!
All I’m saying is [whispers with the upmost respect to every devout Swiftie-Traylor-Chief of past, present, and future]: This is a lot of Travis Kelce! And that’s to say nothing of his brother, Jason, who will appear regularly in ESPN’s NFL coverage for the foreseeable future. Not to out myself here, but I’m a Steelers fan. I love T. J. Watt. But do I want to see T. J. Watt cameo in Severance, dish out stuffed-crust pies in a Pizza Hut commercial, shove Cocoa Puffs down J. J. Watt’s throat, or date Sabrina Carpenter? Okay, maybe the last one would be fun, but no! Too much of a good thing is still too much!
Maybe I’m just working out some of my pre-kickoff nerves (sorry, Russell Wilson, but Steelers Country ain’t riding anywhere), but I don’t think I’m ready for Travis Kelce to sling Pfizer vaccines, Cheerios, Pepsi, textbook execution of the Air Raid offense, and sequels to beloved Adam Sandler movies to me, to this degree, for not only the 2024–25 NFL season but presumably the next five years.
Let’s make a pact to catch up about it when Grotesquerie premieres, okay? Maybe by then, we’ll all be talking about the engagement and forthcoming Traylor Royal Wedding anyway.
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