Watching “It Ends With Us” as a Domestic Violence Survivor, I Saw Myself Onscreen (Exclusive)

As someone who's experienced intimate partner violence, I was nervous about seeing the film. But the experience surpassed my expectations

When I went to an early screening of It Ends With Us, the screen adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s bestselling book, I packed as many tissues as I could stuff in my pockets. I twisted my fingers around each other as Blake Lively’s Lily met Justin Baldoni’s Ryle, silently mouthing the mantra my therapist taught me. You’re safe. You’re loved. You’re strong.

And when the eponymous Casserole Scene splashed across the screen, I recognized the terror in Lily’s face, the flash of anger on Ryle’s. My chest tightened and I couldn’t help but flash back to a similar scene from my own past.

As Ryle and Lily debriefed his outburst, her injuries and both of their rationalizations for the way things went down, I remembered sitting at a not-so-different kitchen counter, having a conversation that mirrored theirs so closely, it brought tears to my eyes.

Related: Blake Lively and Colleen Hoover Promise It Ends With Us Stays True to Form: ‘If You Liked the Book, You’ll Love the Movie’

I recalled giving my abuser’s photograph to the receptionist at my job and warning her not to let him in, checking every few years to make sure I still have his threatening emails and voicemails, that the old police reports are still tucked in my safe. Just in case the saga that tried to ruin my life isn’t over, because that’s the thing about trauma: It never really goes away.

I’m not going to name my abuser in this essay because my story isn’t about him. I’m bigger than the way he tried to control me, stronger than the fear that strangled my voice for years after he put his hands on me for the first time in 2007. Back then, he swore he didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t mean it, wouldn’t do it again. He did. He did. He did.

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I eventually got out from under his influence, got enough therapy to practically open my own practice, swore I’d never let anyone direct the trajectory of my life ever again. As Hoover writes in the book, “We break the pattern before the pattern breaks us.”

Watching It Ends With Us as a domestic violence survivor was hard. I won’t sugarcoat it, because I don’t believe in doing that anymore. But it was also profoundly healing to see my experience mirrored onscreen. I texted my own real-life version of Lily’s best friend Allyssa when it was over. “I survived,” I wrote. “And I loved it.”

As a writer who finds solace in words, I’ve sought out books about trauma since before I realized I was doing it. I’ve cried my way through In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado, texted passages of Hunger by Roxane Gay to my therapist and underlined almost the entirety of Know My Name by Chanel Miller.

Related: It Ends with Us First Reactions: Blake Lively Movie Brings 'All the Feelings' — 'I Was a Crying Mess'

But I’ve hesitated to watch intimate partner violence portrayed on the big screen, surrounded by hundreds of other people. I can put a book down when the words start to swim, walk away from a TV show when it feels like too much. But watching It Ends With Us at Colleen Hoover’s Book Bonanza in June, I couldn’t escape what was happening in front of me or between my ears. And that turned out to be a good thing.

I could tell Hoover, Baldoni, Lively and the rest had taken deep care with the production, just like the author did with the book that’s based, in part, on her own mother’s relationship. "Seeing these characters come to life on the big screen is a dream come true," the author told PEOPLE, in advance of the film. "The power of visual storytelling is undeniable, and it can evoke even stronger emotions and empathy from the audience by bringing a sense of immediacy and intensity to the story. I definitely felt so much while watching the adaptation."

Watching the film surrounded by fellow Hoover fans (the official name for her fan club is the CoHort, for those newly seeking membership) very much bore that out. We laughed, gasped and swooned together and at more than a few moments, sniffles and even some muffled sobs could be heard throughout the pin-drop quiet theater.

Related: Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni Share Emotional First Look at It Ends with Us (Exclusive)

Afterward, we all emerged with smeared mascara, puffy eyes and the kind of emotional hangover that only comes from wringing out your heart like a wet dishrag. We boarded buses to take us back to the hotel, chattering about our favorite parts, that beautiful score, the outfits (the outfits!) and how closely it hewed to the book. What I didn’t feel was exploited, or alone. I fell back into bed after midnight, my heart full. That’s the beauty of watching art in community, I realized. Even if it’s hard, everyone around you is experiencing some version of the same thing.

The film version of It Ends With Us reminded me of my favorite lines from the book: “Naked truths aren’t always pretty.” In this case, the truths aren’t pretty, but the portrayal is. It felt like another step on my lifelong road to proving to myself that you can knock me down, but I’m strong enough to get back up, dust myself off, and keep on walking.

It Ends With Us is in theaters nationwide on Aug. 9.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or go to thehotline.org. All calls are toll-free and confidential. The hotline is available 24/7 in more than 170 languages.

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