10 Happiness-Sucking Phrases To Stop Saying NOW
Ban these sayings from your vocabulary! (GIF: Yahoo Health)
There are certain words you were probably taught never to say — and we’re guessing most of them are four letters long. And for the most part, we as humans do tend to keep our language positive — a new University of Vermont review of billions of words in 10 languages confirms an age-old theory that humans tend to use positive words, not negative ones.
The problem? “We’re wired for negativity for survival,” says Jane Ehrman, MEd, a behavioral health specialist at Cleveland Clinic’s Wellness Institute. “If you forget fire burns, you burn your finger over and over again,” she says. “But we tend to take that cautionary behavior over the top sometimes.”
But it’s not just the obvious negative words and phrases, like those used in swearing, that can take a negative toll. Read on for 10 things we say that are actually way worse — they’re defeating, fear-mongering, and anger-inducing — and what to say instead to keep positivity in your corner.
“We convince ourselves through our words of what we can and cannot do,” says Ehrman. And the word “can’t” is so self-defeating that Michael Roizen, MD, Chief Wellness Officer at the Cleveland Clinic, has banned it in the Wellness Institute and at home. “We made it a four-letter word. The kids never learned it, and it was as bad as swearing,” he says.
Say this instead: I’m going to try to. Words stick with us, says Ehrman. They replay in our heads. What we think, we become, and what we say to ourselves can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, she says.
Negative words can trigger failure, says Ehrman. And when you hear, “don’t eat candy” or “don’t run,” all you want to do is run and eat candy.
Say this instead: What you want — not what you don’t want. Don’t want to eat candy? Say, “I’m going to eat more vegetables.”
Related: 7 Things You Should Never, Ever Say To Your Partner
“Absolutes trigger anger and frustration,” says Ehrman. Telling a significant other that he or she is “always” tired or “never” cleans up, for example, can make someone defensive quickly.
Say this instead: Saying “sometimes” — or pinpointing a specific situation — is a more constructive way to make progress in a conversation.
“To make a significant change is hard,” says Ehrman. And when people try to encourage by undermining something’s difficulty, it backfires, making you believe that you’re not talented, strong, or smart enough.
Say this instead: What’s the toughest thing you’ve done? Channel that strength — and talk your way through it. A recent study in the journal Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercisefound that positive self-talk reduced perceived exertion and increased endurance in athletes.
“You should call that guy.” “You should email your mom.” This may seem like simple advice, but Roizen says you should stop saying “should.” “People don’t like to be told what to do, they like being able to grab something and do it because they want to do it,” he says. “They’d like to have fun doing it.”
Say this instead: Want to [fill in the blank]?
“Comparisons are awful,” says Ehrman, who notes that all it does is say that you’re not enough.
Say this instead: Instead of focusing on others’ accomplishments, focus on yourself. “Affirmations are powerful. If you want to start eating breakfast every day, saying, ‘I will eat breakfast’ can go a long way toward helping you meet that goal even if you’re not eating breakfast,” says Ehrman.
Related: The Surprising Science Of Self-Affirmations
Setting realistic goals is key. But saying you’re going to run five miles every day sets you up for failure, says Ehrman. Even if you’re able to do it, if you take a day off, you’re going to beat yourself up.
Say this instead: I’m going to make running a much bigger priority.“Behavior change requires flexible thinking and flexible living,” she says. Scale your goal back — whatever it may be — so that it fits into a changing schedule, while also challenging you. And pump yourself up about it. Research suggests that people who talked themselves through goals in a positive manner outperformed those who didn’t.
“In everything other than health, we give ourselves second chances — golfers take mulligans, movie directors say ‘take two’, but we don’t forgive ourselves for errors in health,” says Roizen. “The ‘F’ word is a good thing. In Silicon Valley, they relish in failure. They invest in guys who fail because they have experience.” So when you complain — “I ate badly at lunch because they didn’t have healthy food,” “I gained back my weight,” “life got in the way“ — you’re only expressing negativity.
Say this instead: How can I make the right choices? What can I do to change the outcome next time? Those questions offer positive solutions.
“I’m a dummy.” “I’m the worst.” “I’m an idiot.” “If you talked this way to your loved ones and friends, they wouldn’t be around you!” says Ehrman.
Say this instead: “When I work with people, my first question is: ‘What is going well?’” Ehrman says. That’s because focusing on the positive makes you more likely to succeed. You feel more motivated, capable, and up for a challenge. Better yet, talk to yourself in the second person — not the first. One study in the European Journal of Social Psychologyfound that using “you” instead of “I” improved performance and attitude.
Sometimes people will say that they exercise or eat well to live longer — but Roizen says that when you think about living longer, your brain pictures older people in nursing homes.
Say this instead: I’m going to live younger. “Physiologically, that’s what happens when we treat our bodies well,” he says, noting that if you say you’re living younger, you’re more likely to picture yourself at a younger, more vigorous age and state.
