4 Ways To Better Your Relationship (According to Science)

Here’s what research has to say about growing closer to your mate. (Photo: Getty Images)

There are seemingly endless amounts of anecdotal advice about how to have a more loving, fulfilling, and lasting relationship. But what do researchers with degrees and labs and white coats uncover when they dig deeper?

Read on for the latest on what science says about maintaining true love and happiness in your relationships — and how to interpret it for your own life.

1. Fight Right

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“The battles we pick with our partners are often about personal needs to be heard and feel loved,” says Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage. So it makes sense that a new study published in the journal Psychological Assessment shows that disengaging from conflicts — either by avoiding an issue altogether until it “goes away” or by not mentioning it, but hoping your partner brings it up — can cause negative results.

That study showed that the first method — aka withdrawal — was a sign that the person was bored with the relationship, while use of the second method — aka passive immobility — was associated with feeling neglected and anxious.

O’Neill recommends “the right amount of dialogue” to deal with conflicts, and that varies from couple to couple. But the real key is this: Once the conversation starts, listen. “Good listening equals love,” says O’Neill.

Related: Can 36 Questions Make You Fall in Love — With Anyone?

2. Kiss More

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It turns out kissing comes with more benefits than just the swoony feeling (though that’s pretty great on its own). Dutch researchers have found that 10 seconds of making out results in the exchange of 80 million-ish bacteria — and that has big bonuses: Measurable stress release, immune-system strengthening, and a good bacteria add-on for your system.

How to make these positives even better? “Kissing can become terribly routine for many couples, so make your 10 seconds count,” says O’Neill. She recommends choosing a stress-free moment — so don’t treat that lip-lock like a task as you rush out the door for work.

3. Be Friends

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Many studies have shown that marriage can improve your well-being, but new findings from the National Bureau of Economic Research suggest that these well-being effects are twice as large for people who identify their spouses as their best friends.

“A friendship base means the couple is capable of being a strong team, united against the world when the going gets tough,” says O’Neill, adding that friends have extra capacity for sharing honesty, compassion and humor.

So how do you foster a close friendship in a relationship that is based on a different kind of connection? “Spend time together and have discussions about the world, your families, your passions and your dreams,” suggests O’Neill.

Related: Do Men Really Think About Sex Every 7 Seconds?

4. Spoon!

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After the act, don’t just roll over and start snoring — research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that the longer you spend engaged in post-sex affection (cuddling, spooning, talking intimately), the higher your relationship and sexual satisfaction will be. While women appreciated increased post-coital attention slightly more than men in the study, both genders were into it.

“Sex alone does not give a sense of security in a relationship,” says O’Neill. “Post-sexual intimacy with some conversation improves the emotional connection and appreciation, which is critical for a long-lasting, satisfying relationship.”

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