How to Watch Porn with Your Partner

(Photo Courtesy of Alexander Nicholson / Getty Images)

So you want to bring porn into your relationship. That’s not necessarily a bad idea, says Ava Cadell, the author of NeuroLoveology — as long as you don’t have too many expectations. "Think of it as an adventure for the two of you — something that’s going to enrich your relationship,“ she says. Still, porn isn’t for every couple and if you go in too hot, it can add stress to your sex life.

Don’t make it a surprise.
Some porn to spice up your love life could be a fun surprise, right? Nope. "Talk about it before you turn it on,” says Cadell. People can have big differences of opinion about porn. Some don’t want to see it no matter what; for others, certain types of porn will be a big turn-off.

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Find a reason.
Are you in it for the sexy voyeurism or to learn new moves? As background to help get in the mood, or a shared experience in itself? Talk about what you want to get out of it so that you two are on the same page and have the same expectations.

And then get a quality film.
Don’t get lazy and just use the only movie you already own. Put some thought into it; that should be part of the fun. Cadell recommends going online and considering the winners of the AVN porn awards. Other good choices for couples are educational porn made for the couples audience, like ones that Cadell has produced.

Related: 10 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

When it doubt, pick a parody.
It can be nerve-racking for even porn connoisseurs to bring the person they care about in on the action with you, so watching porn that makes you laugh can take some of the pressure off. “I kind of like the parodies myself,” says Cadell. “They’re big productions and they can be really entertaining.” She also suggests porn musicals if you’re looking to keep the mood light.

Don’t make it the main event.
Even if you’ve been with your partner for a while, don’t forget the rest of the date. Have dinner, go out to a bar, or draw her a bubble bath before.

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Use the experience to learn about her desires.
As you’re watching, keep an open mind. It’s unlikely that you know everything that turns your partner on or all the sexual experiences they’ve had in life. Being judgmental or reactive shuts everyone down. If they say they aren’t into something you express interest in, don’t wallow. Instead, ask them why or move on. Also, Cadell says not to assume that all women find porn demeaning or that all men who watch it are addicted.

Avoid discussion of who’s hotter.
Listen up to this one: “It’s really important that [men] don’t verbalize how hot they think the women are on the movie,” says Cadell. “It can make a woman feel insecure if she thinks a guy is watching the movie and fantasizing about the actress (the performer) instead of her.” Focus instead on erotic compliments the film inspires about your partner. Tell her what you like better about her body or sex techniques. It may seem contrived, but these can really help a woman feel confident and comfortable.

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Use the movie to hint to your wants.
This is not the smoothest move for the first time you watch porn together, but eventually, you might want to ease in some content that interests you that is less mainstream. “If you want your partner to do something specific to you, even if it’s a fetish — like a foot fetish — make sure you get a movie that has that in it and say, I’d really like to try that, that looks exciting, I think that would turn me on,” says Cadell.

By Taylor Kubota

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