Sniffles, Anxiety, Even Stomach Pain: The Hidden Health Risks of a Bad Relationship
Why do we stay in relationships we know are bad for us? Selena Gomez during happier times with Justin Bieber. (Photo from Instagram)
“There’s a billion reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants,” sang Selena Gomez during an emotional performance of her new single at the American Music Awards on Sunday night, which sent many fans, along with good friend Taylor Swift, into tears.
The star’s new track, “The Heart Wants What It Wants,” is presumably aimed at on-again/off-again boyfriend Justin Bieber, and her emotional display made it pretty clear she still feels caught between a rock and a hard place with him — even if she probably knows their relationship is unhealthy and they’re better off parting ways.
Watch Selena Gomez’s emotional performance of “The Heart Wants What It Wants” at the American Music Awards.
Dr. Elizabeth Ochoa, Chief Psychologist in the Department of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai Beth Israel, says there are plenty out there like Gomez, who stay in relationships they know are bad for them. “There’s a fear of being alone and a fear of failure,” she tells Yahoo Health. “They question whether they are worthy or lovable, and they have a fear of giving up on the relationship. They think that if they just stay, maybe something will change.”
However, true turnarounds in toxic relationships are rare. Like Gomez sings, there are many reasons to cut ties if you can do so. Besides preventing potential happiness with another love, bad relationships can also lead to health problems.
Gomez’s close friend, Taylor Swift, was driven to tears during Gomez’s performance of “The Heart Wants What It Wants” at the AMAs.
A 2009 study from the University of Utah showed women in strained relationships are more likely to be depressed, have a higher risk of obesity, and show more signs of metabolic syndrome, which includes conditions like high blood pressure, stroke and diabetes. Research published last month in the Journal of Epidemiology showed couples reporting more negativity in their relationship saw more problems with memory and faster cognitive decline. And this month, a study out of Michigan State University showed spouses in bad marriages, particularly women, are at higher risk of heart disease than couples in good marriages.
Ochoa, who treats couples in marital counseling, says she sees classic symptoms of depression like anxiety and irritability in those engaged in stressful relationship situations. They also become more somatic, complaining of aches and pains, even sniffles.
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This “sickness behavior” is common, as well as higher risk of other health conditions, says Diane Robinson, Ph.D, a neuropsychologist at UF Health Cancer Center - Orlando Health, because the stress and emotions surrounding a bad relationship are more than psychological. They’re physical, too. “Any emotion is an electrochemical event in your brain with physiological changes that will impact the body,” she tells Yahoo Health.
According to Robinson, here’s how it works: humans have an innate, biological driving force to build connections, bond and reproduce. When you key in on one person to fulfill this need, and that relationship turns into a negative one, your body perceives a threat that the bond might dissolve. When you dwell on the stress surrounding the relationship, your body enters its “fight-or-flight mode,” and a cascade of chemicals gets released.
These chemicals start sending signals throughout the body, altering our hormones and other functions. “Everyday, twice a day, cortisol is dumped into our system for alertness, to we’re able to handle everyday stressors,” says Robinson. “When we’re under the chronic stress of a bad relationship, the switch that controls that function is jammed on, and the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis becomes chronically active.”
And when the HPA axis never turns off, and chemicals circulate in our body more than we’re used to, we’re susceptible to health issues. “From a purely biological perspective, when you’re thrown into survival mode, your body starts to shut down non-essential functions — like immune functions and the digestive system, for instance. The heart rate increases,” Robinson says. “This is why we see more cardiac disease, stomach issues, aches and pains.”
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To avoid this litany of health issues, it’s important to work on the relationship — especially if you’re married, and want to make it last. The first step is realizing the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. “The idea that love can conquer all is more of a fantasy, whereas good relationships have an element of practicality,” Ochoa says. “They are willing to compromise, hear the other person out, and engage in problem-solving to keep the marriage strong.” A marital counselor or therapist can help you develop these skills.
However, sometimes parting ways is for the best — especially if you’re exposing yourself to long-term health risks, and one party (or both) has subconsciously checked out. Ochoa says couples generally reach this stage when they’re unable to stand in their partner’s shoes, are not willing to listen to their partner’s thoughts or emotions, have involved the police in a relationship incident, or have otherwise withdrawn.
“I think the classic image I see in my mind is a person who’s sitting on the couch, arms crossed and totally removed from the situation. They have pulled way back,” Ochoa says. “This is someone who usually says, ‘I’m here for my spouse, not for me.’ That’s when I wonder whether the relationship can be salvaged.”
If you can’t empathize, can’t work through conflict, or no longer bring out the best in each other, Ochoa says it’s often time to part ways. And although the heart may want what it wants, the stress surrounding that driving force may tear you apart from the inside out — not just your relationship.
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