The #1 Thing To Say to Someone Who's Going Through a Breakup—Plus, What *Not* To Say
Two friends having coffee after one of them went through a bad breakup.
Breaking up is hard to do. Whether someone chooses to break up with their partner or they're blindsided after being dumped, suddenly becoming single can be a difficult life change. And as a friend to a newly single individual, it can be tricky to know what to say to someone going through a breakup.
"Breakups are often more devastating than we realize," says Dr. Shannon J. Curry, PsyD, MSCP. "The emotional toll can be akin to grieving a death, yet societal support often falls short."
It's true—there's no bereavement leave for someone with a broken heart. Support may come in the form of family and friends to lean on. However, it can be challenging for loved ones to find the right words to help someone going through a bad breakup.
"Our natural instinct is to alleviate the pain of those we love, but heartbreak isn't something easily fixed," Dr. Curry says.
It's not your job to mend a broken heart with words. However, what you say to a person going through the romance ringer still carries weight during an already heavy time.
"Finding the right words matters because your friend is sensitive and vulnerable," says Dr. Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., LMFT, the founder of Riviera Therapy and The Pleasure Project. "They need signaling that they are known and valued by you."
What should you say to someone going through a bad breakup? It's simpler than you think.
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The No. 1 Phrase To Say to Someone Going Through a Bad Breakup
Start with "I’m sorry." These two words can be incredibly powerful for a person grieving the end of a relationship, a pair of experts say.
You might expand it by saying, "I’m just so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t know what to say."
"This shows empathy and compassion without pretending to have the solutions," Dr. Curry explains. "It's a candid admission that the situation is terrible, and there are no 'right words' to make it better. This is best for friends and family who want to show support without offering unsolicited advice."
Reena B. Patel, LEP, a positive psychologist and licensed educational board-certified behavior analyst, says you can also combine "I'm sorry" with a pressure-free offer to help.
Patel suggests something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything you’d like to talk about or do together?”
"You are not imposing your own thoughts," Patel says. "Instead, you are allowing some space but letting your friends know you are there and allowing your friend to have control and the choice to accept help."
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5 Other Phrases To Say to Someone Going Through a Breakup
1. "You are amazing, and you will get through this. I know you are hurting. I’m here to love you as you sort out all your complicated feelings."
These three sentences combine to hit all the right notes for a heartbroken person.
"It's communicating that you are supportive—no matter how or why the relationship ended," Dr. Kennedy said. They have inherent value, which they may be doubting on the heels of a breakup, especially if they were dumped."
You also acknowledge that the person is in pain rather than glossing over or trying to fix it.
"Most likely, they are going to be sorting through their feelings for some time and may need to talk to you repeatedly," Dr. Kennedy said. "This signals that you are here for that process and supportive of them."
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2. "I’m just checking in to let you know I’m thinking of you. No obligation to respond."
Dr. Curry loves using these lines in texts or voice messages.
"This is a low-pressure way to show that you're thinking of them," Dr. Curry says. "The 'no obligation to respond' part is important as it leaves the agency with the person who is suffering, ensuring they don't feel burdened by the need to reciprocate."
3. "I hear you."
Patel says this simple phrase is validating and doesn't attempt to "fix" a person, which can be frustrating to someone still processing grief.
4. "I’m proud of you for doing what is best for you."
Dr. Kennedy says this sentence is excellent when a person leaves a long, tumultuous relationship.
"This signals that you trust their judgment for themselves and that they can take care of themselves," Dr. Kennedy said.
5. "Would you like me to stay here with you and keep you company? We don’t have to talk."
Dr. Curry says this line is low-stakes but high-impact.
This offers physical presence as a form of support, acknowledging that sometimes silence is better than any words that could be spoken," Dr. Curry says. "This is especially useful for close friends and family, where just being there can offer a sense of comfort and stability in an emotionally chaotic time."
What Not To Say to Someone Raw From a Breakup
Steer clear of toxic positivity.
"Resist the urge to cheer them up or snap them out of it," Dr. Curry says.
Discussing a breakup can be awkward, but Dr. Curry advises people to resist the urge to change the subject or tell them they're "better off" or "time to move on already."
"In their most vulnerable state, your friend may feel rejected and misunderstood, deepening their sense of isolation and prolonging their grief," Dr. Curry said.
Patel agrees. Ditch trite and trivializing phrases like "Good thing you weren't together too long," or "You're cuter than them anyway."
"These can seem frivolous or careless in light of the tremendous hurt they may be feeling," Patel says.
As important as words can be, sometimes it's best to let your friend know you don't know what to say. In fact, you still help someone by saying nothing at all.
"A powerful way to support a friend going through a breakup is simply to listen without judgment," Dr. Curry says.
Next: 12 Phrases To Use When Someone Is 'Talking Down' to You—and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
