10 Best Phrases for Reaching Out to Someone When It's Been Too Long
A woman is holding her phone, getting ready to reach out to someone she hasn't spoken to in a while.
When your phone charger becomes unplugged, reconnecting it is easy. Internet down? Just try restarting the router. If only reconnecting with someone we fell out of touch with was so simple. Maybe you had a falling out or life happened, and your plans to keep in touch went unfilled.
"Whatever the case may be, the longer you go without talking, the harder it is to reconnect," says Jess Ponce III, a communication expert and author of Everyday Celebrity: A Personal Branding Guide from a Hollywood Media Coach. "People feel guilty and at a loss for words, or even a reason, to reach out."
However, you may find a reason—perhaps you (or they) moved back to town or you noticed on LinkedIn that they're employed by the company currently hiring for your dream job. Whatever the reason, words—something the two of you haven't had in ages—matter.
"If you want to continue a relationship with someone who you haven't spoken to in a while, that first contact is very important," shares Jenny Dreizen, the chief operating officer at Fresh Starts Registry and a modern etiquette expert.
What should you say? Experts shared sample scripts for reaching out to someone when it's been too long and why they work.
Related: The #1 Thing To Say to Someone Who's Going Through a Breakup—Plus, What *Not* To Say
What To Say to Someone You Haven't Talked to in a Long Time
1. "I am so happy to be speaking with you. I think of you often."
This statement is straightforward and kind.
"This lets them know in a direct yet non-defensive way that they are on your mind," Ponce says.
2. "I know it's been a minute, but I hope you're well."
Dreizen likes using this phrase at the start of a conversation.
"This acknowledges the time gap without taking or placing blame—and sometimes no one is to blame," Dreizen says. "Stuff just happens."
3. "I saw the news and just wanted to check in and tell you how proud of you I am."
Dreizen suggests using this phrase when reconnecting with someone who just announced some big news, like a major promotion, career win or pregnancy. Since the person may be in a whirlwind of other texts and to-dos, follow it with, "When things calm down, I'd love to catch up and hear all about your big changes."
"It's good to be honest and show interest," Dreizen says. "This gives a friend time to process whatever that change is."
4. "It's so good to see you/talk to you! How have you been?"
You don't have to reinvent the wheel or be particularly profound to restart a conversation with someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Simple and friendly might do the trick.
"This statement conveys warmth and enthusiasm, expressing your happiness at seeing the person again," explains Jasna Burza, author of Healer in Heels and a transformation coach. "It encourages them to share updates about their life and opens the conversation on a positive note."
5. "I've missed you! What have you been up to all these months/years?"
This phrase is another straightforward approach with a touch of vulnerability.
"By acknowledging that you've missed their presence, you convey a sense of sentiment and the desire to catch up," Burza says. "This question invites them to share significant events, experiences or changes in their life since you last connected."
Related: 12 Phrases To Use When Someone Is 'Talking Down' to You—and Why They Work, According to Psychologists
6. "It feels great to speak with you, and I hope we can reconnect on good terms.”
This phrase can be handy if your last interaction was on poor terms, such as a fight or breakup. It acknowledges the potentially challenging road ahead subtly but through a hopeful lens.
"This use of I language acknowledges your feelings and sets an intention," Ponce says.
7. “I’d love to tell you more about why I am calling you now. Are you open to listening to me?"
Seeing the name of a former friend, flame or work rival pop up on your lock screen can feel jarring to the person on the receiving end of an unsolicited call. This phrase respects their truth.
"Here you are in the now, not rehashing the past and asking for permission to continue," Ponce says.
8. "I came across something that reminded me of you."
Burzza loves the thoughtful nature of this phrase.
"This statement shows that you've been thinking about the person during the time you were apart," Burza says. "It could be a photo, an article, or anything that made you think of them. Sharing this can spark a conversation and indicate that they hold a special place in your thoughts."
9. "Is now a good time to reconnect?"
While this person may have once told you to "call anytime," time may have changed that standing policy. Ponce explains that sometimes, it's best to ask for permission first rather than forgiveness (though you may need to do the latter soon, depending on the reason you fell out of touch).
10. "I am so sorry I haven’t been great about checking in."
Apologizing isn't always fun, but it can be validating to someone, particularly if you flaked on them after promising to be a shoulder to cry on during a rough patch.
"This statement has to be honest, and it creates vulnerability and openness," Burza says. "It’s addressing the elephant in the room if there was tension, and it addresses some of the concerns or complaints they may have."
Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist
5 More Tips for Getting Back in Touch
1. Remember the good times
If you're getting cold feet about reconnecting, Burza suggests thinking back to the better days the two of you shared. It'll help remind you of your "why."
"Consider the benefits of reestablishing the relationship, such as the joy of catching up, the potential for renewed connection," Burza says.
2. Embrace vulnerability and acknowledge the time that has passed
There's no need to ignore the truth: You fell out of touch.
"By acknowledging the gap in communication and expressing your genuine desire to reconnect, you open the door for an honest and authentic conversation," Burza says. "Vulnerability can foster deeper connections and pave the way for meaningful interactions.
3. Watch your tone
It's not just what you say but how you say it.
"Appreciation, graciousness and generosity should be your guide," Ponce says. "Avoid being defensive. Use I statements when it comes to your feelings, and don’t make any assumptions about the other person’s thoughts or feelings."
4. Apologize if necessary
Ponce suggests starting from a place of wanting to reconnect and have a future. This doesn't mean you pretend nothing happened or that feelings weren't hurt, though.
"If there is something that needs some clarity, open that window when appropriate," Ponce says. "If it comes up, acknowledge what happened and apologize if you were wrong."
From there, if you two commit to moving on, do it.
5. Manage expectations
Hard truth: The person may not respond. Prepare yourself for that option too.
"We never know what is going on in people's lives," Dreizen says. "All we can do is put our hand out and hope they grab hold, but we cannot reach out to people on the basis that they will reply. We are owed nothing, and we provide warmth and welcoming for others with no gain in sight."
Next: 16 Signs You're Losing a Friend—Plus, How To Cope, According to a Therapist
