10 Red Flags Your Parent Is a Narcissist, According to Therapists

Adult child with narcissistic parent

People raised by narcissistic parents can experience issues long after flying the coup.

"It can affect every child's development and leave lasting emotional scars into adulthood," says Najamah Davis, MSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker.

The typical dynamic between a narcissistic parent and child is largely to blame.

"Primarily, the relationship centers around what is in the best interest of the parent," explains Dr. Frank Anderson, M.D., a trauma expert, psychiatrist and author of To Be Loved, a memoir about growing up with and healing from a narcissistically abusive parent. "Children of narcissistic parents quickly learn that it is in their best how to focus on the needs of their parent."

Dr. Anderson says these children learn to serve, support and prop of a parent's needs to survive, explaining, "Kids become disconnected from their own needs, wants, and desires. They are often people pleasing, avoid conflict at all costs and will accommodate others to a fault to keep the relationship intact."

Tracing these traits back to a narcissistic parent can put you on a healing journey. Recognizing the signs of a narcissistic parent is step one of the process. Therapists shared them. 

Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists

10 Signs Your Parent Is a Narcissist, According to Therapists

1. Lack of empathy

Narcissists don't do empathy well.

"[Narcissistic] parents can’t comprehend what their child’s needs and stressors are," says Janice Holland, MA, LPC Supervisor, a certified trauma model therapist behind Courageous Woman Membership. "They don’t care how busy you are, what you have going on, or if you want to be with them or not."

Holland adds narcissists often expect visits every holiday and highly frequent calls—even if it blows up your schedule.

Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists

2. Constant need for admiration

Narcissistic people are on a seemingly endless quest for admiration and may look to their children to provide it. 

"A narcissistic parent may constantly seek attention, validation and admiration from their child, often expecting them to meet unattainable standards for approval," Davis says. "This can create a dynamic where the child feels pressured to constantly seek their parent's approval, often at the expense of their own needs and desires."

3. Manipulation through guilt-trips

There's no greater trip a narcissist likes to take than one that involves guilt.

"Narcissistic parents may engage in manipulative behaviors, using guilt or obligation to control their children," Dr. Robert Cuyler, Ph.D., the chief clinical officer of Freespira. "This manipulation can lead to a sense of confusion and lack of autonomy in the child."

Related: 11 Phrases To Respond to Guilt-Tripping and Why They Work, According to Psychologists

4. They stink at 'repair'

Repair is a buzzy topic on social media, where parenting experts acknowledge that even great caregivers aren't perfect. Repairing (i.e., apologizing) can help a child (young or adult) understand it wasn't their fault. Narcissistic parents might give repair a go, but it's not their strong suit.

"Attempts at repairs feel desperate and are often short-lived until the next explosion occurs," Dr. Anderson says.

Dr. Anderson says many narcissistic parents develop these traits because they were raised in abusive environments and are repeating the cycle.

"Beneath their harsh, self-centered, grandiose exterior is a young, insecure part of themselves," Dr. Anderson says. 

Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively

5. They don't apologize at all—ever

Many narcissistic parents may not even bother with repair. "I'm sorry" is not in their lexicon.

"Most of the time, narcissistic parents are never able to see that they did anything wrong," Holland says. "Even if you clearly point out a mistake or wrongdoing, they will begin to cry and make statements about how hard they try, how stressful life is and that they just need some compassion."

If they do apologize? Holland says you might get the backhanded, "I'm sorry you were offended by that."

Related: 5 Reasons Why Some People Just Can't Apologize, According to a Therapist—Plus, What They Tend To Say Instead

6. Overly critical behavior

Holland explains that people who are narcissistic have an inflated sense of self, seeing themselves as more capable and more intelligent than everyone else.

"They are quick to criticize everything their child does," Holland says. "They will criticize what they are wearing, their job choice, lifestyle, partner and anything else they perceive is taking your time or attention away from them." 

Related: 5 Phrases to Counter (Unjustified) Criticism, According to a Therapist

7. Abrupt, mixed message

Harsh criticism is common, but narcissistic parents can also heap praise on children in the same breath. If your childhood and current relationship with your parent gives you whiplash, it's a flag of narcissism.

"Parents may also shift, often abruptly and unpredictably, between overvaluation and devaluation, where the child is either excessively praised or harshly criticized," Dr. Cuyler explains. "This inconsistency can create an unstable emotional environment, leading to anxiety and insecurity in the child."

8. Everything is a competition

Parents and kids are on the same team—or they should be. If your parent is a narcissist, it may feel like you're in a rivalry you never asked for.

"These parents may be competitive with their children, seeing the child’s successes as threats to their own status," Dr. Cuyler says. "This competition can undermine the child's self-esteem and sense of accomplishment."

9. Gaslighting

We couldn't get through a piece on narcissism without discussing gaslighting.

"This is a term used to describe someone who causes you to question your own reality," Holland says. "Children of narcissists who try to confront their parents on how they feel are met with remarks and reactions that cause them to question their own reality."

For instance, you might tell your parent, "I remember feeling sad a lot."

"The parent will respond by telling you that you don’t remember your childhood very well," Holland says. "They will then go into all the ways you were happy and all the things the family did together that were happy memories."

Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists

10. Zero boundaries

Boundaries are hard to set and even follow. Narcissistic parents have a particularly tough time with them. 

"Narcissistic parents may have difficulty respecting their child's boundaries and may violate them by invading their privacy or using information against them," Davis says. "This can make the child feel unsafe and unvalued in their home."

Related: Here's How to Set Boundaries In Every Area of Your Life—and Actually Stick to Them

How to Heal from a Narcissistic Parent

1. Seek help

Healing is challenging, takes time and doesn't have to be done alone.

"Therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment to process the trauma, develop healthy coping strategies and learn how to navigate relationships healthily," Davis says.

Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'

2. Set boundaries

Narcissistic parents may struggle with boundaries. They're worth setting anyway.

"[Boundaries] could involve restricting communication, steering clear of subjects that might provoke their narcissistic tendencies and sticking unwaveringly to your choices," Davis says.

Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist

3. Make a list of things you love

Being raised by a narcissistic parent can be so impactful you may not know who you are or what you like.

"Start making a list," Holland says. "What is your favorite color, smell, food, place to visit and thing to wear? At first, many survivors will just start naming things that they know their parent would approve of. Take a deep breath and go slow."

Holland suggests adding to the list over time.

"Check in with your feelings to help you determine if you really like it or if you have been conditioned to think you like it—there is a big difference," Holland says.

Up Next: 105 Toxic People Quotes To Help Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life

Sources

• Najamah Davis, MSW, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker

• Dr. Frank Anderson, M.D, a trauma expert, psychiatrist and author of To Be Loved, a memoir about growing up with and healing from a narcissistically abusive parent

• Janice Holland, MA, LPC Supervisor, a certified trauma model therapist behind Courageous Woman Membership

• Dr. Robert Cuyler, Ph.D., the chief clinical officer of Freespira