10 Signs of Low Self-Esteem, and What To Do Instead, According to Psychologists
Shy woman with low self-esteem hiding her face with her hands
The words "Dream it, do it" and "Believe in yourself" look fantastic on cross-stitch or Home Goods decor that perfectly matches your pad's aesthetic. However, does it match your inner monologue? Everyone may feel a little down on themselves at one time or another, feel like an imposter, or have concerns about trying something new. However, psychologists share that people who chronically have these feelings may have low self-esteem.
"Low self-confidence is a lack of trust in your own abilities to handle stress or daily tasks," explains Dr. Lauren Napolitano, PsyD, a licensed psychologist.
Psychologists often see low self-esteem create a ripple effect that can become all-consuming for the person suffering from it.
"Low self-confidence can lead to increased stress levels, depression, anxiety, poor boundaries, people-pleasing and substance use," says Dr. Melissa Boudin, PsyD, a licensed psychologist with Choosing Therapy.
Yikes, right?
The good news is that it's possible to shift your behavior and mindset if you have low self-esteem, and help is available. Knowing the common behaviors of low self-confidence is a huge first step. Psychologists share common signs of low self-assurance and what to do instead.
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An Example of a Low Self-Confidence Situation
Murky on what low self-confidence looks like in real life? A concrete example might help. For instance, say a person feels a bit out of their comfort zone in larger groups. "They may avoid going to social events or social settings that involve meeting new people...due to low confidence in their ability to interact with others," says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
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What Causes Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem may have one or many roots, depending on the individual. "Low confidence can be attributed to environmental, biological and psychological factors," says Dr. Lira de la Rosa. "Some people may have a genetic predisposition to increased levels of anxiety and low levels of self-esteem, which impact one’s confidence."
Dr. Lira de la Rosa notes that some people with low self-esteem may have grown up in an environment where a caregiver frequently sends negative messages, such as body-shaming or criticizing an "A-" as not as good as an A+.
Previous failures may also play a role.
"Maybe you have been told that you are 'too much' or 'too loud' in many situations," says Dr. Jody Carrington, Ph.D., a psychologist. "Perhaps you've even been shamed because your opinion or performance in a particular situation was laughed at or demeaned. These experiences can lead to the belief that you should never and will never speak up, have an opinion or put yourself out there because it's not worth the risk."
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10 Signs of Low Self-Esteem, According to Psychologists
1. Avoidance
Avoiding situations is one of the biggest red flags of a person with cellar-dwelling self-esteem.
"When people feel a low sense of self-confidence in an area of their lives, as you can imagine, people tend to avoid or stay away from that experience," Dr. Carrington says.
One of the biggest issues here? This behavior can turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"It sometimes perpetuates the belief that they are, in fact, not capable," Dr. Carrington says.
What to do instead: Pivot your thought process around the situation. "Focus on working through the challenge and asking for guidance from trusted support if necessary [without[ allowing them to accomplish the goal for you," Dr. Boudin says. "Accomplishing a small challenge can serve to increase confidence and encourage someone to take on additional, increasingly bigger challenges."
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2. Prejudging Events
Dr. Michael Jones, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, says many people avoid situations because they're convinced that the outcome will be negative.
"Usually, when you prejudge situations, you are limiting yourself," Dr. Jones says.
What to do instead: Dr. Jones advises separating "thought" from "experience." Then, take a risk and put yourself out there. "Try whatever it is and see what happens," Dr. Jones suggests. "Many times, when you step outside your comfort zone, and do something new and test your limits, you often will surprise yourself."
3. Negative self-talk
All the psychologists we spoke with mentioned a negative inner dialogue as a red flag of low self-esteem.
"Some people may find themselves repeating negative thoughts about themselves, such as, 'I won’t ever be able to do this' or 'I am not good at this,'" Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
What to do instead: Dr. Boudin says the first step is noticing when the thoughts arise. From there, focus on self-compassion. "Something that can be helpful here is thinking about what you'd say to a friend in a similar situation," she says. "What would you say to them? We are often kinder to others than we are to ourselves." She suggests using this mindset to rewrite negative statements as positive ones.
4. Preoccupation With "Fixing Yourself"
Dr. Jones says people who lack confidence are often hyper-focused on fixing themselves.
"They think they can somehow replace their low version of themselves with a more acceptable, confident version," Dr Jones says. "Confidence is not a permanent aspect of one’s self. It is temporary and dependent on circumstance."
What to do instead: Reframe your thoughts. "Instead of thinking, 'Who am I, and is that good enough?' Think instead, 'What am I doing, and how is it going?'" Jones suggests.
5. Anxiety
People with low self-esteem may also have anxiety, and the two usually don't play nicely together.
"Often, folks with low self-confidence have anxiety because they worry about their ability to manage upcoming stressors," says Dr. Napolitano.
What to do instead: Dr. Napolitano suggests taking a step back and assessing the situation triggering anxiety. Then, ask yourself, "What is the likelihood that the worst possible scenario will happen?"
6. Depression
Dr. Napolitano says depression and low self-esteem have a chicken-and-egg relationship—which one comes first will vary.
"Low self-confidence can cause depression, and depression can influence low self-confidence," Dr. Napolitano says. "Depression causes social isolation and anhedonia, which, in effect, causes folks not to take risks or strive for greatness."
What to do instead: Regardless of which came first, Dr. Napolitano says finding a therapist is the best way to manage depression. You may or may not benefit from medication. "Therapy can help someone to build a more realistic view of themself, which tends to boost self-confidence," Dr. Napolitano says.
7. Being a People Pleaser
While low self-esteem may cause one person to RSVP "no" to nearly everything, another may find themselves doing the opposite.
"People with low self-confidence often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to," Dr. Boudin says.
What to do instead: Understand that you don't have to answer a question immediately. "Ask yourself: Is this something you really want to do?" Dr. Boudin suggests. "If not, practice different ways to say no." Therapy can be a great place to practice these strategies.
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8. Low Self-Esteem Has a Ripple Effect
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says that people with low self-esteem may find it influencing aspects of their lives other than a specific situation they don't feel particularly confident about.
What to do instead: Just because fixing a flat tire isn't your strong suit doesn't mean you're unqualified to take turns driving during a road trip. "It can be helpful to remind yourself that having low self-confidence in one area does not necessarily mean that you are not good at other things or that you do not have any confidence at all," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
9. Constant Comparison
There's a cliche that "comparison is the thief of joy." It's also a sign you could use a confidence boost.
"Some people with low self-confidence may find themselves constantly comparing themselves to others," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
What to do instead: It's easy to say, "Just stop focusing on others." However, Dr. Lira de la Rosa offers a more nuanced suggestion: "Ask yourself what aspects of those people do you find favorable and what are some ways you can try to increase those abilities or skills in yourself," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
10. Excessive Risk Taking
Though some people with low self-esteem may be risk-averse, Dr. Napolitano says others may be on the other end of the spectrum.
"Especially in the case of teenagers, excessive risk-taking, such as substance abuse, sexual acting out and skipping school, can be a symptom of low self-confidence," Dr. Napolitano warns. "Becoming the kid who is a risk taker is an easier identity to assume, rather than the kid who is dumb or boring."
Adults may also lean this way.
What to do instead: Therapy can be an important tool for people displaying this sign of low self-esteem, particularly people consistently putting themselves in unsafe situations. "Therapy can be helpful to tease out why someone might be taking excessive risks and to help increase their safety," Dr. Napolitano says.
Next: 11 Common Behaviors of Authentic People—and One Thing They *Never* Do, According to Therapists
