10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset, According to Psychologists

Chess pieces depicting a narcissistic mindset

When you’re a caring, kind and empathic person, it can feel alarming and upsetting to be faced with a narcissist. Perhaps your partner displays narcissistic traits from time to time, or you have a family member you see at gatherings who is a textbook narcissist. Or maybe you have a friend you adore, but they can be a bit on the narcissistic side.

It can be helpful to get a look into their mindset to know how to deal with their narcissistic words or outbursts in a healthy way. But what are the characteristics of a narcissistic mindset? How can you identify these behaviors?

What Is a Narcissist?

First of all, clinical psychologist Dr. Erika Bach says that it’s important to differentiate between someone who meets the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a mental health diagnosis, and someone who exhibits narcissistic traits, which exist on a spectrum.

“A healthy amount of narcissism helps with positive self-image, assertiveness and ability to stay focused on our inner experience,” she says. “However, those with narcissistic traits on the stronger side of the spectrum may demonstrate an inability to empathize with others, the feeling that they are exceptional, a constant need for admiration, shallow relationships, envy and exploitation of others and rejection sensitivity.” 

Dr. Charlynn Ruan, clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group, a nationwide group therapy practice, points out that the term “narcissism” is very popular in the media and social media right now, but it’s important to really look into the actual definition and characteristics of a narcissist and not use the term over broadly in a way that it loses its meaning.

“Everyone has some narcissistic traits, and if someone shows some of these traits, get curious about it and don’t rush to write it off with a label,” she explains. “Also, if someone labels you as a narcissist, which those with NPD can often do to those around them, then you want to have a true understanding of the term so you don’t start to spiral wondering if maybe you are a narcissist.”

Related: 8 Things a Narcissist Absolutely Hates, According to a Psychologist

What Is a Narcissistic Mindset?

When it comes to a narcissistic mindset, Dr. Bach says that there will almost always be an excessive focus on self—something that’s otherwise known as “fragile narcissism.” It’s a concept that likely describes most narcissists and centers on the external projection of grandiosity, confidence and assertiveness as a mask for actual feelings of inferiority.

“This is why narcissists need constant admiration, to be treated like they are special and to associate with people of status: because they are using these things as external validation to try to boost their self-esteem,” Dr. Bach explains. “Narcissists very much live in an altered reality that they have spun where they cannot tolerate criticism, feedback or the idea that they are average.”

Dr. Ruan says that someone who is a narcissist might have the mindset that they are the star of their own play, and everyone else just has a walk-on part.

There are negative impacts when dealing with someone who has a narcissistic mindset.

“Narcissists can be emotionally manipulative and abusive, putting people down as a means to inflate their ego and establish superiority, hurting others' self-esteem,” Dr. Bach says. “People with a narcissistic mindset require constant validation, and often end up entangled with empathic individuals; people-pleasers and narcissists are a classic duo that are drawn to each other. Thus, people who are highly empathetic can often get caught in a cycle of offering empathy and validation to a narcissist, who has an unending need for this kind of reassurance.”

Related: 13 Perfect Responses to a Narcissist's Texts, According to Psychologists

Let’s say that someone you’re close to seems to display narcissistic traits. In this case, Dr. Bach urges you to ask yourself a big question: how do you feel when you’re in their presence, and specifically, how do you feel about yourself?

She adds, “Depending on how important the relationship is to you, you can try expressing to this person how you feel in a way that is not blaming or criticizing—offering them the chance to self-reflect and make change.”

Dr. Ruan says that you can try to assess the extent to which this person displays these characteristics and determine if they have the insight to challenge themselves and the willingness to change. 

“Someone can be emotionally immature without being a narcissist,” she says. “So, consider how entrenched these patterns are and if the person sees an issue and wants to grow and change.”

Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists

10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset

1. Excessive focus on self

Dr. Bach says that individuals with a narcissistic mindset are constantly focused on their own experience, and have difficulty taking others' perspectives. “Thus, individuals in relationships with people like this often feel as though there is no room for both people in the relationship, and it becomes one-sided, which can lead to resentment and the relationship ending,” she explains.

Related: Taylor Swift Might Have Embraced the Term, but What Exactly Is a 'Covert Narcissist'?

2. Need for constant validation

“While people with narcissistic traits may appear to be confident, the need for constant validation indicates that they are relying on this kind of attention to prop them up,” Dr. Bach says. “The need for constant validation can become exhausting for people providing it, as it is never enough and does not heal the wound of inadequacy that narcissists feel.”

3. Emotional immaturity

For someone with a narcissistic mindset, emotional immaturity can manifest in angry outbursts [such as] pouting, withdrawal, punishing and threatening the relationship, according to Dr. Ruan.

4. Inability to tolerate criticism

“People with a narcissistic mindset are incredibly sensitive to criticism and rejection, especially as they spin a narrative that they feel confident, when in actuality, they feel deficient,” Dr. Bach says. “Rejection and criticism poke at the wound of how they really feel: inadequate; thus, they may become emotional or irate in response to any perceived dissatisfaction from another person.”

5. Lack of empathy

Both Dr. Bach and Dr. Ruan agree that a lack of empathy is characteristic of a narcissistic mindset. 

“They can feel feelings about how something impacts them and they can mimic the feelings they think they should feel about others, but they lack the ability to truly put themselves in the shoes of another without making it about them,” Dr. Ruan says. “This is one of the most dangerous features because our ability to empathize with others is a guide on how we should treat them.”

Related: 150 Narcissist Quotes to Help You Understand, Cope With and Defeat Narcissism In Your Own Life

6. Inability to respect boundaries

Since narcissists are so focused on themselves and their own feelings, they will continually violate others' boundaries if it serves them, as Dr. Bach says. She goes on to say, “For example, if someone asks for space from a narcissist, the request would likely be disregarded or even met with an attack, as the narcissist would feel rejected and abandoned, a feeling they cannot tolerate.”

7. Constant need to be the center of attention

Dr. Ruan says that narcissists feel they need to constantly be the center of attention. “This can make it almost impossible to build a reciprocal and rewarding relationship because you are an audience member, not a relationship,” she says.

8. Lack of growth

“If a person is deeply entrenched in narcissism, they become stunted and don’t grow and evolve at the same pace as others their age,” Dr. Ruan says. “Younger people with a narcissistic mindset can be harder to spot because they are closer to the maturity level of their peers, but old narcissists are often quite tragic or comical in their immaturity because they are decades behind their peer group and often get stuck in the style, habits and fashion styles of whatever era of their life they were the most successful in. This can be challenging for people in their life who outgrow them.”

9. Sense of entitlement

Dr. Bach says that those with a narcissistic mindset believe that they deserve special treatment, are superior to others and that they do not need to offer this treatment to others.

“If a narcissist deems you not to be worthy of their attention, they may treat you as though you are less than—harming your sense of self-worth,” she says.

10. Lack of insight into personal flaws and weaknesses

Narcissists can have trouble seeing their own flaws and weaknesses, and Dr. Ruan says that this trait can lead to gaslighting and blaming “because the person cannot actually admit a mistake or take accountability for something they need to work on in themselves—therefore, if something goes wrong, they need to make it your fault.”

Next up, learn 35 phrases that can disarm a narcissist.

Sources

• Dr. Erika Bach, clinical psychologist

• Dr. Charlynn Ruan, clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group, a nationwide group therapy practice