11 Common Signs You're 'Parenting' Your Partner, According to Psychologists
A woman feels like she's parenting her partner while they sit on the couch together.
Are you constantly nagging your partner to do the dishes? Or, perhaps, you've given up because they're so bad at it. So, you just DIY, even if your main squeeze was the only one to eat dinner at home?
You may have a nagging suspicion that you're "parenting" your partner. Psychologists say you might be right.
"Parenting a partner occurs when you intentionally or unintentionally are in the role of parent or caregiver to your romantic partner," says Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "It typically includes them being in the role of child—unable to help or in constant need of assistance."
How someone becomes a "parent" in the relationship can vary.
"Sometimes our romantic partner pulls for us to be their parent," Dr. Goldman says. "It is not always something the person in the parenting role chooses."
Regardless of how it happened, psychologists warn that the dynamic is harmful.
"Yes, some of us are looking for the fantasy of a knight in shining armor, but most people enter intimate relationships looking for a partner to share in navigating life’s ups and downs," says Dr. Marla Zeiderman, Psy.D. of Kaiser Permanente in Colorado.
How do you know if you're parenting a partner, and what can you do to put the dynamic in (permanent) timeout? Mental health professionals dish out some tough (but helpful) love for couples.
Related: 7 Warning Signs You're in a Codependent Relationship, According to a Therapist
What Does Parenting Your Partner Look Like?
Essentially, parenting a romantic partner looks a lot like a parent-child relationship. "The parent-partner becomes more demanding, and they may act superior in the relationship because the child-partner is not living up to their standards, or they feel they need to be taken care of because the parent-partner feels the child-partner is incompetent," explains Dr. Lee Phillips. ED.d., a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.
Dr. Lee says that examples of "parenting" a partner include nagging a person to do their chores or giving them an allowance while you manage your joint finances.
Why Is It Bad to Parent a Partner?
Parenting a romantic partner simply isn't healthy.
"Care and concern for our partners is a normal part of a healthy relationship," Dr. Zeiderman says. "But, when you take on the role of the parent or the child, it is demeaning to you and your partner. It creates and maintains inequality in the relationship, which can lead to resentment."
Dr. Lee agrees, adding that the dynamic can be equally challenging for the partner being parented.
"An adult does not want to be treated like a child, so it is very frustrating for the partner who is being treated like a child," Dr. Lee says.
Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
11 Common Signs You're Parenting a Romantic Partner
1. You're giving constant reminders.
If you're constantly telling someone not to leave dishes in the sink or to take out the trash when it's full, it's a problem.
"This can be seen as nagging [and] overly critical," Dr. Goldman says.
Even worse, all the begging to do something can even backfire.
"[It] can cause a reverse effect, with the other person lacking motivation to complete future tasks if nothing is good enough," Dr. Goldman says.
2. You begin withdrawing.
Say you're sitting right next to your partner but feel like you're in different countries. If these distant feelings accompany a suspicion that you're more of a parent than an equal partner, it's a red flag.
"You may feel that you are becoming more distant from your partner because they do not meet your standards," Dr. Lee says. "An example of this would be you getting angry because they did not clean before you got home from work, and for the rest of the evening, you are both sitting on the couch with your phones and not talking."
3. You've committed to changing your partner.
People can change in a relationship—hopefully, two people bring out the best in one another. But there's a critical difference between a person evolving within and because of a relationship and thinking you'll "train" the person out of the habits that annoy you. A person has to want the change and do the work themselves, not have it thrust upon them.
"We can’t change other people—only ourselves," Dr. Zeiderman says. "Your role in a relationship is not to mold or raise your partner into a better version of themselves."
4. You take care of easy tasks for them.
Dr. Goldman warns if you're taking care of to-do's that a partner can do themselves, like making a doctor's appointment or picking out their clothes for a work function.
"This reinforces they are not capable or able to complete these tasks when they are," Dr. Goldman says. "It communicates a lack of respect that can build over time."
Related: The 8 Communication Red Flags To Work on in Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late, According to Divorce Attorneys
5. You're arguing more
A parent-child-like dynamic in a romantic relationship can feel like a gigantic push and pull, leading to more fighting.
"Because both partners are not meeting needs, more room for conflict can lead to verbal altercations," Dr. Lee says.
6. Other areas of your life suffer
Your partner may not be the only one you're fighting with more often. Dr. Lee warns that parenting a partner and the extra arguing that can come with it can do a number on everything.
"When there is conflict in a relationship, we tend to see the domino effect where other areas of your life are stressful," Dr. Lee says. "Being in a parent-child dynamic can affect you at work, such as not completing tasks, and your other relationships. You may find yourself in arguments with friends and other family members."
7. Your mental health is also declining
Dr. Lee says the parent-child dynamic can cause signs of depression and anxiety. He says that depression symptoms include:
Appetite increase
Insomnia
Irritability
Sadness
Anxiety symptoms look like:
Appetite changes
Irritability
Insomnia
Panic attacks
A mental health professional can help you work through your feelings and symptoms.
8. You talk down to your partner
A condescending approach is a hallmark sign you're the "parent" partner.
"This can be because you want control over the situation or believe your way is better," Dr. Goldman says.
Examples include correcting their behavior or telling them their attempt at folding the laundry is wrong or not good enough.
9. You make all the decisions
If every vote in the relationship involves one person (you), it's not really a vote, is it? It is, however, a red flag you're parenting a partner.
"This occurs when you decide everything from what to have for dinner to telling the child-partner what and what not to say in front of people," Dr. Lee says. "The balance is completely off in the relationship, and the child-partner no longer has a voice."
Dr. Goldman agrees, adding that this behavior may also include not even attempting to run the decision by a partner first. The only thing this flag communicates? "You are not equals," Dr. Goldman says.
10. Lack of sex
You may be right if you're in a dry spell and noticing other signs you're parenting a partner.
"All people in relationships go through ups and downs with sexual desire," explains Dr. Lee. "Still, when there is parenting your partner dynamic, the sex can completely stop because both people are emotionally disconnected."
11. Cheating
The grass may seem greener elsewhere for both parties in a parent-child-style romantic relationship.
"This unhealthy dynamic in a relationship can lead to cheating or at least the thoughts of cheating because you are longing for an equal partnership," Dr. Lee says.
Related: Are You Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband? Here Are the Flags
How To Stop Parenting a Partner
1. Take a beat
Dr. Lee suggests waiting before responding to something a partner said or did that you didn't like.
"It can be helpful to pause and think things through when they are so stressful," Dr. Lee says. "This can help regulate your nervous system so you can talk to each other about the dynamic."
2. Practice empathy
Dr. Goldman recommends putting yourself in your partner's shoes.
Imagine being an adult that is being treated like a child," Dr. Goldman says.
You likely feel small and demanded — not good, right?
"Once we can envision the position of our partner, leave criticism behind and interact with kindness and compassion," Dr. Goldman says.
3. Get direct and vulnerable
It's essential to talk about the dynamic rather than sweep it under the rug.
Dr. Lee advises the parenting partner to say something like, "I do not like this dynamic. I feel bad for nagging you, and I wouldn't say I like controlling everything happening. I want it to change. I want to share with you how I feel and want to know how you feel.”
"You are voicing what you need but are also curious about your partner's needs," he says.
4. Treat your partner like a friend
As you try to fix how the two of you communicate, think about the way you speak with your best friends—adult to adult.
"This way of communicating is less demanding, more respectful, easily focuses on compromise and allows you to fully hear what the other person is saying," Dr. Zeiderman says. "Being thoughtful and aware of the context and situation in which you're communicating can be key in shifting unhealthy communication patterns."
5. Seek couples counseling
If you're struggling with a parent-child dynamic in your relationship, a professional may be able to help.
"The therapist can teach you communication strategies that you can use between sessions to improve your relationship," Dr. Lee says.
Dr. Lee suggests looking for a couple's therapist on Psychology Today. If you're having sexual or intimacy problems, seeking help from a therapist specializing in those issues can help.
Next: 15 Phrases To Effectively End Any Argument, According to Psychologists
