11 Phrases To Use That Communicate 'You've Hurt Me,' According to Psychologists
Woman telling her adult daughter that she feels hurt by her actions
The old R.E.M. song reminds us that "everybody hurts." However, psychologists know that communicating that you are hurt can get tricky if one particular person caused the pain.
"Confrontation and conflict are always difficult," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist of South County Psychiatry. "It may come along with feelings of guilt, shame or fear. You may also worry that letting them know they've hurt you may upset them, damage the relationship or make things worse."
Still, it's important to rip the Band-Aid off.
"In some circumstances, they may not even be aware of it, so this helps bring awareness to the issue at hand and lets them know how something they have done or said hurt your feelings," Dr. Schiff says.
These psychologist-backed phrases for letting someone know they hurt you can help jumpstart a tough-yet-productive conversation.
Related: 5 Reasons Why Some People Just Can't Apologize, According to a Therapist—Plus, What They Tend To Say Instead
Why Is It So Hard To Tell Someone They Hurt You?
Various factors make it challenging to tell someone they hurt you.
"Sometimes, we don't even think we have a right or a reason to feel hurt, so we try and talk ourselves out of it," explains Dr. Elena Herrera, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist.
Upbringings and cultural attitudes about speaking up may also complicate matters, Herrera says.
"Many of us are raised to not challenge authority, for example," she explains. "If the person who hurt us is in a position of power, that can be very difficult to do."
Telling a friend or loved one they hurt you is also complex.
"You may also worry that letting them know they've hurt you may upset them, damage the relationship or make things worse," Dr. Schiff says.
Related: 12 of the Best 'I Statements' To Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists
11 Phrases To Tell Someone They Hurt You, According to Psychologists
1. "I felt hurt when..."
Dr. Schiff suggests using "I" statements like this one rather than "you" statements.
"I statements place the importance on the result, which was your hurt feelings and doesn't place blame on the other person," Dr. Schiff says.
Blaming leads to defensiveness, which is not productive.
2. "I didn't like it when this happened."
Conveying your feelings can feel complicated, but the words you use don't have to follow suit. Exhibit A: This straightforward phrase that comes recommended by Herrera.
"It's simple, direct and succinct," Herrera explains. "It's helpful to use with a friend or family member."
3. "That made me uncomfortable."
This vulnerable and versatile phrase can work on various audiences, from friends to bosses.
"This is a way to convey your hurt without blaming anyone," says Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC.
4. "What you just said/did did not feel OK for me."
If you know something hurts immediately, it's OK to say so.
"This may be good in the moment when you are feeling hurt by what someone said or did," says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying 'It's OK' When It's Really Not OK, According to Psychologists
5. "Can we talk about...?"
Don't know where to start? Try this phrase.
"This helps introduce the topic, giving you an opportunity to describe your perspective and an opportunity to hear the other person out," Herrera says, adding it may be especially effective in workplace settings.
6. "I've been feeling hurt lately."
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says this phrase is another good ice-breaker.
"This may help open up the conversation in a more gentle way by pointing out how you have been feeling," he explains.
7. "When you X, I felt really disrespected. In the future, please Y."
Dr. Schiff says that giving specific feedback can help improve a relationship. A more concrete example might be, "When you yelled at me, I felt really disrespected. In the future, please take a minute so we can talk respectfully."
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
8. "I have some concerns about how you have been treating me."
This short sentence communicates a ton, which is why Dr. Lira de la Rosa is a fan of it.
"It communicates to the person that you have concerns about patterns in their behavior or the way they have been treating you for some time," he says.
9. "I started questioning our friendship."
This phrase may look bold, but sometimes, raw honesty is the way to go.
"This lets a close friend know that your perspective of their actions upset you," Dr. Leno says.
10. "Something feels off with our communication."
Communication is key to healthy relationships, and poor communication can be at the root of hurt feelings.
"State this to friends or family when you notice that almost every conversation ends in an argument," Dr. Leno says.
11. "I noticed I did not receive an invite and wondered if it was intentional."
Didn't get an invite to a big night out? Instead of stewing, Dr. Leno recommends using this phrase to clear the air.
"Stating this to family or close friends immediately lets them know that their actions bothered you, and a conversation will help you manage expectations," Dr. Leno says.
Related: 8 Phrases To Repeat to Yourself When You're Feeling Anxiety, According to a Therapist
What Not To Say to Someone Who Hurt You
Dr. Leno advises against saying, "It's your fault that I'm in this situation."
"This statement is ineffective and may cause the person to become defensive and immediately shut down," Dr. Leno says. "No matter how close the bond, people are more likely to hear you when they believe you have an open mind and are accepting some responsibility for the circumstances."
Herrera agrees that the blame game is a losing one.
"If you genuinely want someone to hear you, or at least try and hear you out, then it's best not to come from a place of blame," she explains.
Next up, read 150 words of encouragement when you need a pick-me-up.
Sources
Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist of South County Psychiatry
Dr. Elena Herrera, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist
Dr. Michele Leno, Ph.D., a psychologist with DML Psychological Services, PLLC
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
