11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Agreeing With Someone—When You Actually Disagree
Women having a conversation and trying to share their opinions without pretending to agree with each other out of politeness
Can you actually politely disagree or agree to disagree in today's world? There's a ton of focus on how everything seems to be a fight these days. The old advice about not discussing religion or politics at family meals seems about as outdated as the idea that you can't wear white after Labor Day. However, some people don't crave a big blow-up. Instead, they opt to nod in agreement even when they don't.
A polite disagreement seems to be a lost art. Psychologists want to bring it back.
"The ability to politely disagree is a hallmark of emotional intelligence," says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, author and podcast host of Imperfect Love. "When we are able to state our opinion in a polite manner, we show respect for others while making space for learning and connection."
However, disagreeing can feel daunting. Psychologists put some useful words in your mouth by sharing top phrases to provide your true opinions instead of automatically agreeing with someone.
Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'
Are There Risks of Pretending To Agree With Someone?
Agreeing with someone when you don't may seem benign. In fact, it may even feel like a way to avoid harm. However, experts share it's not without risk.
"Pretending to agree with someone when you don’t mean it can have some serious negative consequences," says Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners. "There may be times when it's appropriate to avoid conflict by not expressing your disagreement with someone, but consistently pretending to agree with someone is detrimental to you, them and your relationships."
Short-term conflict avoidance can lead to longer-term issues—and even more immediate ones.
"Most of my clients tend to kick themselves later for not speaking up," says Dr. Elena Herrera, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist. "In the long run, it can make us feel negatively and disempowered. In the short run, it doesn't give the other person a chance to really see us, including our beautiful differences."
Related: 11 Phrases That Emotionally Immature People Often Say, According to Mental Health Experts
11 Phrases To Use Instead of Pretending To Agree With Someone, Psychologists Explain
1. “I would like to respectfully disagree….”
This phrase gives the other person a heads-up that they have a different opinion.
"I think alerting the other person that this difference of opinion is coming helps them to hear it more thoroughly," Dr. MacBride says.
2. "You’ve made some terrific points. I have a few thoughts of my own to share."
"When we pretend to agree, we lose the opportunity to learn to stand in our truth with dignity and respect," Dr. Manly says.
This phrase lets you step into your own (after a compliment to soften the blow).
3. "How did you arrive at this point?"
Dr. Herrera likes using questions during disagreements because they open dialogue and the door for something more profound.
"Disagreeing just to disagree doesn't provide an opportunity to connect with someone who might not share the same views we do," Dr. Herrera says.
A conversation might.
Related: 13 Phrases to Use Mid-Fight If You and Your Partner Have Different Attachment Styles
4. "That is interesting. I’d offer my opinion…”
Dr. MacBride likes that this phrase starts with something kind toward the other person.
"This reminds the speaker and listener that what was just presented has merit, and perhaps the disagreement is coming because the topic is engaging," Dr. MacBride says. "Maybe we are up for further conversion."
Taking a beat to say something nice can slow the pace of a discussion, which is important.
"Slowing down our response can help us grow and see the merit in the other side of the argument," Dr. MacBride explains.
5. "Thanks for sharing that information. My take is..."
A thank you is another good way to start a disagreement, but there's a big caveat.
"I believe that 'thank you' is always appreciated, but it has to be genuine," Dr. MacBride says. "This response can signal to the listener that maybe you hadn’t thoroughly understood the issue or thought about their perspective. That said, just because they have offered a new take doesn’t mean your opinion will change."
6. “I can see your perspective, and I’d like to add…”
Two things can be true, even if they seemingly contradict.
"I love the power of 'and,'" Dr. MacBride says.
Dr. MacBride feels that “I can see your perspective, but…” minimizes what a person is saying.
"The 'and,' in this case, tells your listener you want to contribute to what they are saying," Dr. MacBride explains. "You are more likely to mitigate defensiveness with this kind of response."
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
7. Is there another way of looking at this?
Another question from Dr. Herrera that opens the door for growth.
"Even if we don't like the views, new opportunities increase our mind's ability to be flexible," she says.
8. "Hearing your opinion makes me see another perspective. I’d love to explore my outlook with you."
Disagreements don't always have to be contentious, even if you don't plan to agree with the person.
"In the long term, polite disagreements foster learning, connection and emotional safety," Dr. Manly says.
This phrase highlights that one person learned and feels safe enough to share a different perspective.
9. “I can hear that, and I feel differently…”
Once again, swapping one three-letter word for another (but, for, and) makes a significant impact. But also peep the "I can hear that." MacBride added that deliberately, instead of "I understand" or "I get it," which she feels are overused and untrue.
"Often the other person doesn’t get it — not at least to the satisfaction of the speaker," she says. "'I can hear that' doesn’t assume a level of understanding that really isn’t there to begin with."
Related: 12 of the Best 'I Statements' To Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists
10. "Tell me more."
This one from Dr. Herrera may sound like a strange flex. Why would anyone want to hear more about something they disagree with? However, differences in opinion offer opportunities for conversation and learning more about a topic and another person.
11. "Are you up for hearing an alternative?”
Dr. MacBride loves that this phrase honors boundaries.
"Asking the other person if you are ready to hear another perspective gives them a chance to consent to that part of the conversation or to say, 'No, I think that might be too upsetting,'" Dr. MacBride says. "At the very least, they can walk away knowing that you think differently about the topic."
Related: 11 Best Phrases To Use When Canceling Plans, According to Etiquette Experts
The No. 1 Thing Not To Say When You Disagree With Someone
"You're wrong."
"Not only is that hostile, but it's based on your opinion, and the same argument could be applied to you," Dr. Herrera says. "It's not about being right or wrong. It's about being flexible in our ways of thinking and being open to other viewpoints."
Dr. Manly agrees.
"When we take a 'You’re wrong' stance, the other person can become instantly defensive," she says. "We trigger the other person’s fight or flight response. When this occurs, listening, learning and connection are impossible."
Next: 10 Phrases To Effectively Start a Conversation, According to Psychologists
Sources
Dr. Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, author and podcast host of Imperfect Love
Dr. Gayle MacBride, Ph.D., LP, a psychologist with Veritas Psychology Partners
