11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Giving Advice, According to Psychologists
Two friends talking with one needing support and encouragement
We can all agree that most people have their hearts in the right place when trying to help someone. Any time a friend or loved one is going through a difficult time, for many of us, it’s only natural to want to offer advice, words of wisdom or a similar experience that you had along with your takeaways.
But sometimes, automatically giving advice when someone pours their heart out to you isn’t the best way to be helpful. Instead, there are phrases you can turn to that can actually be more helpful, according to psychologists.
Why Do People Automatically Give Advice?
So, why does instantly giving advice come so easily for many of us? Dr. Judy Ho, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and author of The New Rules of Attachment believes that most people truly do want to be helpful, but they also want the chance to show off their competence.
“Giving others advice often makes people feel needed and boosts their self-esteem,” Dr. Ho says. “People also feel empowered when giving advice, and having someone listen to and take that advice is a confirmation that they know what they’re talking about and should be respected.”
Psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons adds that oftentimes, we quickly default to thinking that our value as a friend is to offer someone a solvent to their challenges.
“However, the most powerful thing we have to offer is our presence,” he says. “This allows someone to be exactly where they are, but with support.”
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
Is It Unhelpful if You Automatically Offer Advice?
While you may feel as if you’re helping someone in their time of need, they might not share your opinion. In fact, all they might need is a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on instead of solutions.
“Sometimes, it can be invalidating to the person who is simply trying to share their experience and perhaps just wants to vent rather than hear a course of action that they either have already considered—and is choosing not to take, or it didn’t work—or they’re not quite ready to take a chance or take action, but just want to reflect on how they feel and get into dialogue with someone they trust,” Dr. Ho observes.
Dr. Lyons says that sometimes when we give advice, we unintentionally rush the other person “out of their process.”
“They may not be in the phase of healing that has anything to do with change, and may be in the phase of arriving into their experience, feeling the emotion, processing it and needing support to be in deeper contact with it,” he details. “Sometimes, the best advice is no advice and just being there.”
If someone is directly asking for your advice, that’s another story. But when people aren’t asking for it, or perhaps even tell you to your face that they don’t want your advice, don’t push it onto them, especially if you’re not all that close with the person.
Dr. Ho says, “It might not be a good idea if you don’t have a really close-knit relationship with the person. They may feel judged or looked down upon if you are someone new in their life and already trying to advise them as if you know them well.”
Dr. Lyons also notes that it’s never a good idea to give advice on anything medical-related when you are not a doctor. If someone has a medical concern—whether it’s regarding their physical or mental health—someone unqualified should never be giving advice.
Related: 8 Phrases To Replace Saying 'It's OK' When It's Really Not OK, According to Psychologists
11 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Giving Advice, According to Psychologists
1. “I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this.”
To really show empathy to the other person, Dr. Ho suggests this helpful phrase.
2. “All of this must be challenging for you.”
This additional empathic statement emphasizes how difficult this time must be for the other person, according to Dr. Ho.
3. “That sounds tough.”
Dr. Lyons says that this phrase boosts up the other person without giving them unsolicited advice. And by adding, “You’re strong for going through this,” you’ll also remind them of their strength.
4. “It seems like you’re feeling __________, or thinking __________.”
Dr. Ho says that this phrase is an example of reflective listening, where you aren’t actively interjecting your advice into the conversation. For this, you’ll fill in the blank by paraphrasing what you think they said—this will also signal to the other person that you’re truly listening.
Related: 7 Phrases to Politely Interrupt Someone, According to a Therapist
5. “It makes so much sense you’re feeling this way—it’s OK to feel the way you are feeling.”
Sometimes, when someone is sharing difficult feelings, all they want is to feel validated. Dr. Ho says that this phrase is a “validating statement” that can help the other person to not feel alone.
6. “I completely understand where you’re coming from.”
This phrase shared by Dr. Lyons also validates the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
7. “It must take so much strength to deal with this.”
Dr. Ho says that “affirming statements” can be helpful when listening to a friend or loved one.
Some other examples of affirming statements include: “I really admire you for taking this on,” “Hang in there” and “You’re dealing with this the best you can.”
8. “I want to be here for you—what can I do to help?”
Helping statements can also come to the rescue instead of automatically offering advice. Even if the person doesn’t accept your help, they’ll feel cared for when you simply say this phrase. Dr. Ho says you can also add, “Is there anything I can do to take something off your plate?” to this phrase.
9. “As much as I’d love to help…”
In some instances, there really is no feasible way that you can help someone. Perhaps they’ve recently lost a loved one and their grief is fresh or they’re going through a divorce and there’s no direct way you can help. In this case, Dr. Lyons says that starting a phrase with, “As much as I’d love to help,” can be the right thing to say.
If removing yourself from the situation seems appropriate, Dr. Lyons says that this phrase shows them “that you care, but are unable to help or advise on the situation.”
10. “Have you talked to a professional about this?”
Maybe the other person is delving into a physical or mental health concern. For this, Dr. Lyons recommends nudging the other person toward speaking with an expert. Specifically, you can say, “Have you talked to a doctor/medical professional about this?”
11. Offer a hug
Instead of dropping some sage words into the conversation, consider saying nothing at all. In fact, to truly show you care, Dr. Lyons says that sometimes the best response is just being there for someone and offering a hug rather than advice.
Next up, discover 33 phrases that display active listening.
Sources
Dr. Judy Ho, clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and author of The New Rules of Attachment.
Dr. Scott Lyons, psychologist.
