11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
Chess pieces set up with a mirror to illustrate narcissism
Narcissism has become a big, buzzy word on social media. However, the signs you're dealing with a narcissist can be subtle, especially at first. Being able to spot them is critical for your own peace.
"True narcissists can be difficult to deal with, so having an awareness of any signs can help prevent problems down the line," says Dr. Beth Pausic, PsyD., the VP of clinical excellence at Kooth Digital Health. "When you recognize the signs, it can help you be better prepared to navigate uncertainty, especially if the relationship is ongoing, such as with a coworker or family member."
While the discussion of narcissism can create awareness of the disorder, Dr. Pausic says it's also led to some misinformation about its clinical definition. This confusion makes it even more challenging to know when you're dealing with a narcissist.
"One of the biggest misconceptions about narcissism is what exactly it means to say that someone is narcissistic," Dr. Pausic explains. "The term can be understood from a clinical and research-backed lens but has become very widely used, expanded upon with new terms, and has taken on different meanings, making it confusing to understand."
Here, psychologists clear the air on what narcissism means and share easy-to-miss signs of narcissism.
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
What Is a Narcissist?
"Narcissism is a personality trait, but it can also be part of a personality disorder called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD," explains Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says NPD is a spectrum, but common traits of people who meet the clinical criteria for a diagnosis include:
Being consumed with themselves
Having an inflated sense of self
A total disregard for others
"Although these individuals present themselves as confident, they are very insecure and do not take criticism well," Dr. Lira de la Rosa explains.
Related: 13 Perfect Responses to a Narcissist's Texts, According to Psychologists
Can Narcissism Be Subtle?
Narcissism can be overt or sneaky, psychologists say.
"The continuum of narcissistic behavior means that not everyone displays overtly grandiose or exploitative behavior," explains Dr. Ray Christner, Psy.D. "Many engage in social and personal relationships with a more understated form of narcissism. This can be more challenging to detect, and sometimes, it can be frustrating because it is not as obvious."
However, subtle doesn't mean harmless, so recognizing the easier-to-miss signs of narcissism is important.
Related: 7 Tiny Ways Being Gaslit Changes You, According to a Psychologist
11 Subtle Signs of Narcissism That Are Easy to Miss, According to Psychologists
1. Every conversation is about them
Conversations may be a two-way street, but they always lead to one destination when dealing with someone with narcissism.
"Given their grandiose sense of self, individuals with narcissism traits will usually find a way to make any conversation about themselves," says Dr. Lira de la Rosa. "They may listen intently to you when you are sharing a story but find ways to insert themselves into the conversation with their perspective and experiences. Over time, you notice this pattern of behavior."
Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists
2. Inflated confidence
Confidence can be a good thing—even something to celebrate. However, Dr. Christner says narcissists can take it too far.
"While confidence is about self-assurance, a subtle sign of narcissism is when someone’s confidence crosses into a realm where they consistently imply they’re superior to others," explains Dr. Christner. "For instance, during a group project, a person might subtly undermine others’ ideas, positioning their suggestions as inherently more insightful or valuable, even when unwarranted."
3. Fishing for compliments
Talk about whiplash. While narcissists may exude all sorts of self-confidence, they also seem to consistently be on the hunt for compliments.
"This might show up in seemingly innocent ways, like constantly steering conversations toward their achievements or cleverly crafting scenarios where others are compelled to compliment them," Dr. Christner says. "Think about the person who constantly shares detailed stories of their success under the guise of seeking advice when, in fact, they’re seeking a compliment."
Related: 8 Things a Narcissist Absolutely Hates, According to a Psychologist
4. Disregard for others' feelings
Empathy is a desired trait in friends and romantic partners—it helps meet both people's needs. However, narcissists lack it. Sometimes, it's clear as day. Other times, this trait can be a bit more subtle.
"You may be expressing your concerns about a situation to a narcissistic friend, and instead of truly listening to you, they may cut you off and offer you dismissive and often useless advice, such as 'It will be fine' or 'That doesn’t sound that bad—just get over it," Dr. Pausic says.
Related: 14 Genius Phrases To Shut Down Gaslighting, According to Psychologists
5. Constant blaming
No one is perfect. Yet, it can feel like you're around someone who sure thinks they are when dealing with a narcissist.
"A coworker may have not performed well on a presentation, and instead of accepting their shortcomings, they may turn to coworkers for not providing better research or reviewing their work more carefully," Dr. Pausic explains.
6. Never apologizing
This one is similar to the blame game. Take a second and ask yourself if you have ever heard this person say, "I'm sorry," or express remorse or the desire to repair.
"If they do something that you do not like or ask for an apology, they will likely not provide you with an apology," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "This is because they may not view themselves as doing anything wrong and may even go to the extent of gaslighting you."
7. Boundaries—what boundaries?
Boundaries are an important way to protect your physical and mental health. Narcissists really struggle with respecting them, though.
"Those with subtle narcissistic tendencies may not respect personal boundaries, not because they overtly refuse, but because they seem to forget or disregard them," Dr. Pausic says. "For example, you might have a friend or family member who repeatedly calls or texts you during times you’ve specified you’re unavailable, but they frame it that they 'just want to talk.'"
Related: The 7 Things a Narcissist Always Does at the End of a Relationship, According to Psychologists
8. Lack of long-term friends (or friends in general)
Come to think of it, this person's inner circle is rather small—as in, it essentially just includes you. Why is that?
"This is often because people will tire of them and find ways to end the friendship," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "Although they present themselves as popular and important when you begin to know them, you realize they do not have or cannot maintain friendships."
9. Demanding the "best"—or else
Wanting the best is natural. Becoming irate every time you don't receive it is a red flag.
For instance: "If they are made to wait for a table even though they have a reservation or are placed at what they consider to be a bad table, it can be triggering as they feel they are being disrespected by not being treated as special," Dr. Pausic explains.
Related: 5 Reasons Why Some People Just Can't Apologize, According to a Therapist—Plus, What They Tend To Say Instead
10. Conditional generosity
Narcissists can perform acts of kindness, but there's often a catch, such as wanting a favor in return or seeking public recognition.
"For example, think of people who donate to a cause but only if their contribution is highly publicized," Dr. Christner says. "They might help someone and then continually remind the person of their generosity."
11. They handle criticism poorly
Criticism isn't always fun but can be productive at work and in relationships. Try telling that to a narcissist, though.
"Even suggestions that they may be less than perfect can elicit a reaction," Dr. Pausic says. "It is difficult for someone with these traits to be able to accept even well-intentioned feedback gracefully."
Related: 10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset, According to Psychologists
What to Do if You Notice Subtle Signs of Narcissism
Recognizing sneaky signs of narcissism is the first step. Then what?
Dr. Pausic suggests:
Set boundaries and limits for acceptable behaviors.
Understand that most narcissists have limited insight into their behaviors, so try not to take their actions personally.
Seek support from others.
If you are in a romantic or familial relationship, consider talking about the possibility of therapy. This can be either for yourself, them, or in couples or family therapy.
If their behavior becomes abusive or toxic, seek help and consider leaving the relationship
While ending a friendship or romantic relationship can be challenging, Dr. Lira de la Rosa agrees it may be for the best in some cases.
"If you find yourself feeling unsafe or uncomfortable with someone and notice these signs, it may be a good time to assess your relationship with this person," he says.
Next: 11 Subtle Signs of Gaslighting To Look For in Your Relationship
Expert Sources
Dr. Beth Pausic, PsyD, the VP of clinical excellence at Kooth Digital Health
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
