12 Phrases to Never Use in Your Texts if You’re Divorcing
Woman texting her ex-husband on her phone
Texts are supposed to be casual, quick and maybe even fun. Less stuffy than emails or written letters (remember those? No?), texts with friends and loved ones may include GIF threads and inside jokes. Perhaps you had that with a spouse, but now you and your not-quite partner for life are on the fast track to Splitsville. Divorce changes a lot—including texting.
"Communicating during a divorce is a unique kind of communication," says Dr. Jordan Conrad, Ph.D., LCSW.
Your soon-to-be ex is more likely to read your texts uncharitably, and keeping the conversation open and civil can feel exhausting during an emotional time, Dr. Conrad explains, adding, "To top it all off, what you say could have real consequences." Including legal ones.
"Texts and emails are a treasure trove for the savvy divorce attorney," says Dennis Vetrano, Jr., Esq., a divorce attorney. "You have to think that anything you put in writing will ultimately be read by the judge at some point in the context of your case—sometimes, even in open court during your trial."
Gulp. What's more, divorces are an emotional time, and it's hard to read emotions in written words on a screen—potentially leaving too much to the other person's imagination.
Avoid unnecessary awkward moments (and potential legal snafus) by deleting any of these phrases from text messages before you send them if you're breaking up.
Related: The 8 Communication Red Flags To Work on in Your Relationship Before It’s Too Late, According to Divorce Attorneys
Can Text Messages Be Used in Court Cases for Divorce?
You bet.
"Texts and emails that you or your spouse write can absolutely be used as evidence by the other side for multiple different purposes, including cross-examination, which is questioning you when you are testifying," Vetrano says.
Different states may have different laws.
"In most states...a party’s text message will be deemed to be an admission—in other words, it may be admitted into evidence and is not considered hearsay," says Morgan L. Stogsdill, Esq., the head of family law at Beermann LLP and co-founder of the How Not to Suck at Divorce podcast with Andrea Rappaport.
Stogsdill says texts can be used to:
Show a judge how a person is behaving in an argument
As proof of whether a person can co-parent
To persuade an attorney or psychologist to lean toward one side's argument
"Remind yourself that lawyers and judges use text messages in divorce cases daily, so proceed with caution by phrasing your texts appropriately and assume that every message is being read by others," Stogsdill says.
Related: 15 Signs You're Married to an Emotionally Unavailable Husband, According to Experts
12 Phrases To Avoid in Text Messages When Divorcing
1. "You must/need to do X."
Fun fact: The last person your ex likely wants to take orders from is you.
"A better way would be to treat them as if they are an equal participant in the task or the conversation and that it’s being shared," Vetrano says.
Vetrano suggests using phrases like "would it be possible if" or "could you help me out by" instead. "Framing it that way will make them much more receptive to what you have to say," Vetrano explains.
2. "I will move away and leave the children with you."
This phrase is a no-go if custody of children is part of the divorce.
"Although most parents would never do what the text suggests, it will be used against the parent who sent it if there is an issue related to custody or parenting time," Stogsdill warns. "An attorney may suggest that the parent who sent it is unstable, would leave the children, and doesn’t care about parenting time."
Related: The #1 Thing To Say to Someone Who's Going Through a Breakup—Plus, What *Not* To Say
3. "This is your fault."
Avoid turning text messages into a blame game.
"Allocating blame is never going to go down well with your ex and is the surest route to conflict," says Sara Davison, a divorce coach. "Keep your desired outcome front of mind and use no-inflammatory language."
4. "You're a bad parent."
Dr. Conrad says this phrase is an unproductive low blow.
"You may be angry at your ex and disagree with their parenting style, but accusing them of being a bad parent is not going to get them to change their behavior," Dr. Conrad says.
5. "You always do X."
Davison thinks sweeping statements like this one are unfair (and untrue).
"Stating that this is something they do without fail every time is usually an exaggeration, and this will pour fuel on the fire," Davison says. "It also reduces the impact of what you are saying when it is not true."
Related: 12 of the Best 'I Statements' To Use in Arguments, According to Psychologists
6. "Do you know we can never count on you?"
"Never" statements are also sweeping, Davison says. And Vetrano doesn't like how this phrase is focused on past behavior.
"If you want to foster a workable co-parenting relationship moving forward, you need to have trust that they will be better," Vetrano says. "Work from a place of starting fresh. You need to give them the benefit of the doubt and let their behavior moving forward speak for itself."
7. "The kids should know that you are the reason this family broke up. If you don’t tell them, I will.”
There are all sorts of issues with this two-sentence text.
"This is problematic because it shows the judge that a parent is willing to hurt the children in order to hurt the other side," Stogsdill says. "Children generally love each parent and do not need to be brought into a loyalty bind. Keep them shielded from arguments."
8. "The kids agree with me."
Again, for the people in the back: If you have kids, leave them out of it.
"Aligning yourself and your kids against your ex is a childish thing to do and sets a bad example," Dr. Conrad says. "Like it or not, you and your ex are the parents, and so you need to behave like it."
Related: 9 Phrases That Train Others to Treat You Well, According to Psychologists
9. “How’s [new partner’s name]?!”
Instead of asking your ex this question, Dr. Conrad recommends asking yourself a few things, starting with, "What's the point?"
"Why engage your ex in a conversation about whomever they are seeing now?" Dr. Conrad asks. "What will you get from it? This is just a way to get yourself to feel worse and will likely get you to say something you’ll regret."
10. "You better do this or else."
Ditto for literally anything that reads as a threat.
"Threats and ultimatums are never productive," Stogsdill says. "They only incite the other side."
11. "Take what you want. I don’t care."
Divorce can be emotional and exhausting, but this phrase won't help.
"When it seems as though a spouse will fight you every step of the way, it can be tempting to let them have what they want so you can start moving on," Davison says. "But you risk being left with far less than you have a right to, and this can make it more difficult to start your life again independently."
12. “You’re a narcissist who is gaslighting me.”
Using therapy-speak IRL is all the rage these days, but it is best left out of texts with the person you're divorcing.
"Unless you are able to medically diagnose someone via appropriate credentials, these labels are not helpful to your matter, nor will the court appreciate self-diagnosing or labeling someone," Stogsdill says.
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
5 Pro Tips for Better Text Communication During a Divorce
1. Think before you send
Text messages are great for quick communication. However, given everything that's at stake legally and emotionally during a divorce, taking a beat is beneficial.
"Think carefully before you send the message, and always read it back to yourself," Davison says. If you’re still unsure, try running it past a close friend."
2. Try a feedback sandwich
Sandwiches aren't just for lunch. There are three layers to this feedback sandwich that Davison suggests pairs in the middle of divorce use.
"Start your message with something positive, like, 'This was good,'" Davison says.
Then, Davison recommends mentioning something the person did that wasn't so good in a "nonaccustatory way." Verbage like "Can we work on it?" makes for a softer landing.
"Lastly, suggest something that you feel would be a better way to handle it in the future for the best outcome," Davison suggests.
Related: The One Thing You Should Do With Your Money if You’re Considering Divorce
3. Keep it brief
You may have so much to say. A text isn't the place to say most of it.
"Brief texts work best to showcase the point of your message," Stogsdill says. "If you write too much, your message gets lost, and you may not get the response you are looking to receive."
4. Be respectful
Go high instead of low—other people are probably watching (and reading).
"You don’t know who will be viewing your texts, and there is a good chance it won’t just be your ex," Dr. Conrad says. "Communicate in a way that no matter who views your correspondence, you come out as reasonable, calm and focused on the divorce."
5. Don't take the bait
You may be cruising along the high road, but your ex might be trying to bring you down with name-calling and rude comments. Avoid the temptation.
"Simply ignore it," Vetrano says. "Take the high road and again respond only to the substantive issues...A nasty response can cast you in a negative light just as easily as the comment that precipitated it."
Next: 15 Helpful Phrases To Say to Someone Going Through Divorce
Sources
Dennis Vetrano, Jr., Esq., divorce attorney
Morgan L. Stogsdill, Esq., head of family law at Beermann LLP and co-founder of the How Not to Suck at Divorce podcast with Andrea Rappaport
Sara Davison, divorce coach
