12 Phrases to Shut Down a Toxic Friend, According to a Psychoanalyst
Toxic friend annoying woman
"Toxic" has entered the public lexicon to describe people, not chemicals.
"In many instances, the person using the adjective assumes the listener will assign a communication shorthand that this 'toxic' person is inherently bad, manipulative or, to use another overused psychological term, 'narcissistic,'" says Jordan Dann, LP, a psychoanalyst.
The problem?
"A 'toxic person' has the danger of becoming a villain in the story of your life," Dann explains. "When that happens, you become a victim, which is a powerless position where you have very little choice."
Dann encourages people to get specific about what behavior isn't serving them and determine how they want to respond.
"This may mean assertive communication with the friend, ending the friendship or creating more distance and boundaries," Dann says.
One way is to use your words, but which ones work — and don't? Dann shared the phrases to disarm a "toxic" friend that will let you turn buzzy jargon into action.
Related: 14 Tiny Behavior Tweaks That Make People Respect You More, According to Psychologists
What Are Signs of a Toxic Friend?
Dann believes any relationship that is unreliable, unpredictable or induces feelings of anxiety or mistrust warrants a look. Dann says red-flag behaviors of unhealthy friendships include:
Constant demand of your attention with an inability to respect boundaries
Challenges taking responsibility for their actions and apologizing when you express hurt
Unappreciative of the gift of your time or care
Desire to spend time with you abusing substances or gossiping
A consistent pattern of acting like their problems or life is worse than yours
Lack of awareness of reciprocity—because healthy relationships involve a give-and-take
Related: 105 Toxic People Quotes To Help Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life
3 Top Tips for Responding to a Toxic Friend
Dann opened the playbook to show how she devised phrases for responding to unhealthy behavior before giving concrete examples. She says it's essential for people to:
Express yourself calmly
Use "I" statements to communicate your experience without shame, blame or criticism
Mentally prepare for a negative reaction
"If your friend gets triggered or defensive, their response says more about who they are and just offers more information for you to decide if you want to stay in the relationship," Dann explains.
Related: 10 Genius Phrases To Use Instead of 'I'm Busy,' According to Psychologists
12 Phrases to Disarm a Toxic Friend, According to a Psychoanalyst
Here are some effective ways to shut down a toxic friend using only your words.
1. "No."
Yup, that's it. That's the phrase.
"No is a full sentence," Dann says. "You don’t have to offer an explanation. 'No' is all you need to say."
2. "I'm sorry you’re having a hard time, and it’s important to me to feel like you’re also interested in my life."
This phrase is a tactful way to call a timeout if every conversation feels like "problem Olympics."
"Engaging in empathy and also being assertive about your needs gives you the opportunity to not feel victimized, and you get to see if your friend is able to respond to your needs," Dann says.
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
3. "I’m not able to give you the kind of support you need."
This insult-free phrase conveys your needs without minimizing your pal's.
"Focusing on your lack of capacity is a way to clarify your boundaries and limits without making it about your friend’s demands," Dann says.
4. "I am not available…"
Remember, boundaries are not unkind. However, Dann reminds people to be kind to themselves by sticking to their boundaries after setting them using phrases like this one—even if someone tests you.
"People who don’t have boundaries don’t like boundaries," Dann says. "Be prepared to say no again or not respond to the follow-up text. If you say you aren’t available and then give in to the pressure, you are sending mixed messages."
5. "I don’t want to speak negatively about other people."
Try this phrase if gossip is one of your friend's "toxic" traits.
"If one of the ways your friend engages in conversation is to speak negatively about other people, share your value boundary here, and let them know that isn’t a way you want to relate," Dann suggests
Related: 10 Phrases to Shut Down Workplace Gossip
6. "I have 15 minutes…"
Clarity and consistency are critical in boundary-setting.
"If you have the capacity to speak for 15 minutes, offer that and at the end of that time say, 'I have to go now,'" Dann recommends.
7. "I don't want to do X, but I can do Y."
Like telling a friend you only have 15 minutes, this phrase sets a clear boundary and honors your needs (as long as you follow through). For instance, Dann says you can say, “I don’t want to go to a bar, but I’d be open to getting a cup of coffee and sitting in the park for an hour.”
8. "Can we change the subject?"
Are you over the negativity? Is your friend still talking about their ex?
"See what it’s like to move the conversation to more positive or neutral ground," Dann says.
Related: 10 Ways To Become Someone Who Avoids Negativity, According to Psychologists
9. "I’d like to talk about our friendship. Are you open to that?"
One phrase in a specific situation won't always cut it. However, Dann empowers people to ask themselves: "Have I engaged in assertive communication to let this person know how I feel and what I need?"
"You can’t complain about not getting what you didn’t ask for," Dann says. "If you feel like you want to give the friendship another chance and see if your friend can respond to your expression, then you might want to share your feelings directly."
Asking for consent is important.
"[It] is a way to gauge your friend’s receptiveness to hearing from you and will also give you an opportunity to see if they are receptive or defensive," Dann explains.
10. "I’m taking some time to focus on myself, and I won’t be able to schedule anything or respond to communication for the next month."
If you need time and space, you can try this phrase to say so.
"Taking a break allows you to discover how it feels without the relationship and to see if you miss it or not," Dann says. "This also keeps the attention on your needs rather than communicating about the friend’s behavior."
11. "I need to end this friendship."
Not all friendships were built to last.
"If a relationship isn’t good for your mental health, you have the right to end it," Dann explains.
To soften the blow, Dann says you might offer some gratitude, such as, “I so appreciated the times we have shared with one another."
If you want to explain, Dann recommends something like, “I don’t feel like there is enough mutuality."
However, this phrase is a complete sentence, just like "no."
Related: 14 Phrases That Signal a Person's Unhappy, According to Psychologists
The No. 1 Thing Not to Say to a Toxic Friend
Plot twist! Don't use the word "toxic."
"When we call people names or criticize them, we inspire defensiveness in another person," Dann says. "Also, people who engage in unhealthy relationship behavior can engage in a lot of defensive strategies like deflection or reversing the tables to make you the problem."
Next: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists
Source
Jordan Dann, LP, a psychoanalyst.
