The 12 Surprising, Tell-Tale Signs of Helicopter Parenting—Plus, How To Recognize It in Yourself

Experts share what you can do instead.

Throughout recent decades, society has seen all kinds of parenting styles—from free-range parenting to the Dr. Phil-led commando parenting of the early 2000s. Nowadays, millennials are leaning into a more patience-forward parenting style—gentle parenting—but many are actually the product of helicopter parenting.

"Anxiety and fear are the foundational stones of helicopter parenting," Dr. Bethany Cook, author of For What It’s Worth – A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting Ages 0-2, tells Parade. "The helicopter parent is afraid their child won't get picked, be smart enough, get made fun of, is unhappy, reflects badly on the parent, won’t love them, will be damaged forever if they feel pain, etc."

Defined by excessive attention and worry about every aspect of a child's experience, helicopter parents are known for micro-managing, overseeing, overstepping, overprotecting, and over-involving themselves... even when their children are grown.

"Once a person stops functioning from 'prevention,' they are able to wait for the data," Dr. Cook explains. "Did your child fall apart after their first failed test or did it help them realize they need to study longer to succeed? Your motives and solutions are [then] based in reality not 'future fear.'"

How to recognize you're a helicopter parent

If you think you may be a helicopter parent (or you know, a parent with helicopter-ing tendencies), it might be difficult to recognize it in yourself. After all, you've never been a parent before, so how can you identify your own style?

According to Dr. Cook, this is where a self-administered kind of personality quiz can come in handy.

"Make a list of things your child does outside of your direct supervision," Dr. Cook says, and then ask yourself: "Are these things that don’t require your active presence? Why aren’t you leaving? When you think about leaving, what feelings come up for you? Has anyone ever given you this label? Is their opinion objective?"

Another way to identify helicopter parenting in yourself is to look closely at the impact your parenting has on your child. Kyle Kunkel, LCPC, with Thriveworks in Baltimore, specializes in child development, parenting, stress, anxiety and self-esteem.

"If you notice that your child quickly changes their opinion around you, 'acts totally different around me than other people,' seems to let loose around friends/other adults, etc., these are signs that the parenting style of choice is negatively affecting the growth and development of your child," Kunkel says.

How does helicopter parenting affect a child?

"Parenting is scary and brings on an exorbitant amount of emotion," Kunkel explains. "It is nerve-wracking to watch our kids 'fail.' However, turning 'failures' into learning experiences through appropriate discipline (wherein a lesson is learned—opposite of punishments, which are driven by adults' emotions), open communication and empathy are what will set your child up for healthier life choices in adulthood."

Ways to let go of overprotection

In many cases, a parenting style may not be an overt, conscious choice. Therefore, a helicopter parent may not even realize they're doing it; instead, it may just feel like a "natural" anxiety or urge to protect—not necessarily an urge to overprotect.

So, how is a helicopter parent supposed to learn to let go?

"Go to therapy to figure out the source of your anxiety and how to manage it," Dr. Cook advises. "Educate yourself on other ways to approach parenting that create mentally healthy children [and then], when the urge comes up, recognize this is a childhood trigger and label it. Try to identify the source and then replace the urge with objective thoughts."

But don't expect it to be easy.

"Behavioral changes are hard for everyone. A way to 'let go' is to recognize the negative effects being a helicopter parent has, calling yourself out in the moment—or as close to the moment as you can—taking accountability for your actions as the parent, and communicating the desires for change."

It's also okay to communicate with your child about your desire to change (depending on their age, of course).

"Sharing this new behavioral interaction with your child will help foster a healthy relationship between you and your child—as long as your actions speak louder than words," Dr. Cook adds. "If your words of change do not match the behavioral effort to change, that is doing more harm than good to everyone involved."

12 Signs of Helicopter Parenting

1. You do their schoolwork for them

"When you do your child’s homework, you are robbing them of not only the chance to test their own cognitive skills, identify where they need improvement and where they are strong, but you are also inadvertently telling them, 'you’re not smart enough,' which leads to all sorts of self-esteem and dependency issues," Dr. Cook explains.

What to do instead: "You need to allow your child to make their own mistakes so you can know the areas they may need extra support," Dr. Cook adds. "Once your child has demonstrated a weakness (fails a report you didn't help him on), you have data to use to break down the places they need bolstering (is it their grammar, lack of understanding of the material, both or something else?). Once the weakness is identified, help your child get the support they need for this specific issue."

2. You have to know every detail of their lives

Yep—even when they're grown.

"Being involved in your child's life is a wonderful experience, however, when parents engage in helicopter parenting, they run the risk of increased lying, sneaking around behavior, and the child 'rebelling' in unsafe ways to release from the pressures of constantly having no privacy," Kunkel explains.

What to do instead: According to Dr. Cook, this is the parent's problem, not the child's. As such, start at the root of the issue: your own anxieties.

"Parents need to get their anxiety under control in whatever way feels best to them," Dr. Cook explains. This could include anything from therapy and reading self-help books to talking to a trusted friend about it."

3. You insert yourself in conflict or drama with their friends

Part of growing up is having friends and part of that also means disagreeing with or even losing friends. But not everyone is out to get your child (even their own peers). Though a fight with a friend might activate your Mama Bear mode, it could be doing more harm than good—at least in some instances.

"When engaging in helicopter parenting, there is a risk that we are stunting the natural development to learn from mistakes," Kunkel says. "If we step in to solve their conflict now, they won't have the skills to effectively manage their emotions or behaviors to resolve conflict."

A parent stepping in or inserting themselves in peer-to-peer issues can stunt a child from learning how to navigate conflict, deepen friendships, establish trust and grow.

What to do instead: "Absolutely step in if there are safety concerns (i.e., verbal, physical, sexual, emotional abuse)," Kunkel explains. "Conflict resolution is a resourceful skill to learn, and learning it earlier rather than later in life will set your child up for success in adulthood."

But that conflict resolution doesn't need to come from you. You can aid in monitoring the situation, sure, but kids also learn how to resolve conflict with their peers through trial and error, addressing the conflict head-on, and by working on their communication skills.

"Parents can share their friendship experiences with their child and offer guidance on how to manage it, but don’t personally get involved," Dr. Cook suggests.

The most meaningful thing you can do as a parent in this situation is to exemplify good communication and conflict-resolution skills in your own home. Monkey see, monkey do.

4. You teach the teacher or coach the coach

Yikes. This one cuts deep, especially if you're not a teacher or a coach yourself.

"Kids need to learn that not everyone interacts with them the same way," Kunkel explains. "People have other ways of going about life and having kids in activities outside of the parents' coaching or coaching from the sidelines is a great way to foster your child's ability to navigate social skills and social cues to encourage emotional regulation in the real world."

Telling the teacher what to do, "teaches the child to not trust other adults' abilities and skills," Dr. Cook explains. Along with coaching the coach, it also "teaches the child to not respect other adults. This can give the child an inflated sense of power, negatively impacting potentially positive relationships outside of parents."

What to do instead: Can't keep quiet? Stop attending the games, Dr. Cook advises. It may feel counter-intuitive, but it's a helicopter parent's version of letting go—at least to start.

And if you can't stop teaching the teacher? Ask your parent-partner to attend school meetings so that you can practice letting go.

5. You don't trust anyone else to know what your child needs

If you truly feel like no one can take care of your kid the way you can—to the point of not trusting other adults enough for you to let go a bit—you may be inadvertently teaching your child not to trust or respect others (including adults).

And by criticizing others' abilities to care for kids or do their jobs, you may be teaching your child that it's okay to critique others as well.

"Your kids are watching how you treat others and if the parent feels it is acceptable to criticize another person doing their job, this behavior will reflect in your child as well," Kunkel adds.

This could result in more conflict at home, less healthy boundaries and disrespect to those in authority, according to Kunkel.

What to do instead: "Work on reframing your point of view, but embracing the mantra, 'Others are capable of knowing what my child needs if I teach them. And I understand not everyone will do things the same way and that's okay,'" Dr. Cook explains.

6. You have to watch them at all times

Do you insist on driving your teenagers somewhere when they could easily walk or ride a bike there? Do you not allow your child to go anywhere if it's not within your sight?

"This teaches a child that the world is unsafe and fosters a fear-based worldview, limiting the child’s potential to create deep and meaningful relationships with others," Dr. Cook explains, "because others are viewed as 'unsafe.'"

It's important to ask yourself why you're inhibiting their freedom: is it for your own wants and needs? Or the child's?

"A sign of helicopter parenting may be a parent who accommodates their teen by removing day-to-day struggles like giving them rides when the child could easily walk or ride a bike," Jacob Sparks, LMFT, Embark Behavioral Health Treatment Director, tells Parade. "This can send a message to the child that the parent believes they are weak and incapable. It might actively promote anxiety in both the parent and the child if a parent limits freedom in the name of safety to a degree that is developmentally misaligned with what the child needs."

In the worst-case scenario, this habit can limit a child's freedom but also their sense of independence. However, there are definitely situations that are reasonable and others that are not. Always consider safety first, especially if the request is not within age-appropriate reasoning.

What to do instead: "Hire a babysitter or sign them up for lessons and completely leave the space your child is in," Dr. Cook advises.

If it's a matter of letting a child walk or bike ride to a friend's house, Dr. Cook recommends asking kids to text or call once they arrive at their destination.

If safety is a genuine and realistic concern, focus on the things your child is capable of doing alone safely—especially if they're asking for the chance to do so.

7. You complete their chores for them rather than reminding them to do it

Chores should be age-appropriate, but if you find yourself noticing the chore is undone, doing it yourself and then holding onto resentment about having to do it yourself—that's not a good sign.

"Parents quick to 'rescue' their child from daily tasks and daily living will likely inhibit that child’s ability to thrive," Sparks explains.

Learning proper life skills is crucial to learning about responsibility, consequences and how to foster independence. Chores also promote the concept of structure, as well as time and task management.

"People want responsibility; it creates purpose," Kunkel says. "Allowing your child to not partake in the family responsibilities allows for entitlement, disregard for those whose profession is these tasks, and has the potential to create undue chaos in your child's home life when they do leave the home."

What to do instead: Allow children to complete their chores and clean up after themselves. If they don't, give them a gentle reminder. If doing chores on time is a frequent problem, try setting a timeframe or deadline for them to get things done. Appropriate incentives are also helpful: chore charts, goals, allowances, etc.

8. You're risk averse by proxy

Meaning, you prefer your child to not take risks and you're more likely to, as a parent, play it safe and encourage your child to play it safe too.

Think: Marlin, Nemo's dad, from Finding Nemo.

"Parents who are so risk averse that they sacrifice growth opportunities in the name of 'safety' are likely to not only instill fear and anxiety in their child but also teach their child that the world is an unsafe place, with primarily unsafe people," Sparks explains. "That greatly compromises the sense of safety and security needed for healthy development."

Do this instead: "Parents should look for opportunities for their children to take developmentally appropriate risks," Sparks suggests.

Dr. Cook adds, "Allow your child to take risks in 'safe' environments." For example, Dr. Cook explains, "You don't allow them to do flips on the trampoline [at home] but enroll them in gymnastics."

9. You refuse to let them make a mistake

"Parents who refuse to let children make mistakes end up reinforcing anxiety-driven toxic perfectionism," Sparks explains. "Mistakes are inherently valuable growth opportunities and should be celebrated and utilized as such. Parents who step in before the child ever even has a chance to 'fail' unintentionally reinforce shame for their child."

This helicopter habit could have potentially detrimental side effects such as instilling fear of failure and promoting co-dependency.

"One aspect of helicopter parenting is the need to protect the child, but a lesser-known aspect is the need to be needed," Sparks explains. "Helicopter parents foster the child’s dependency on the parent, rather than helping the child learn to become independent."

Making mistakes is part of being independent and learning, as well as succeeding.

What to do instead: "Families should provide a low-risk environment where children explore and learn," Sparks says.

10. You tell them what to say or how to act

Are you drafting up your teen's texts to their friends? Or to their boss? Are you telling them what to say or how to act? Are you, ultimately, making their decisions for them?

"Parents who are direct with their children in what [the child should] say or do end up compromising the child’s sense of identity," Sparks says. "If a child is not free to make their own decisions, their sense of self will suffer, leading to poor self-esteem."

Kunkel agrees, adding, "Telling your child what to say or how to act in a way that changes the statements or demeanor within their personality is extremely harmful to their mental health. What it typically results in is self-loathing, and belittling of the self."

In the long run, this can even impact a child's self-esteem, self-confidence, self-awareness and more.

"This also has unfortunate results in adulthood and places those who feel they never developed how to think, act, feel, express themselves on their own in a potentially higher risk of ending up in abusive relationships," Kunkel adds.

What to do instead: "Parents can offer coaching and support, but that should include autonomy for the child," Sparks says.

You can offer up to your child 'what's the norm' for dealing with a situation like this, Dr. Cook suggests. But don't demand a certain behavior.

Teaching respect is also key to combating this helicopter habit.

"Teaching your child to be respectful—for example, saying, 'please and thank you,' taking accountability by saying 'sorry'—and a parent's guidance through difficult situations, are teaching tools," Kunkel says.

11. You chaperone everything

"Being involved in your child's life is a wonderful way to bond and build their character and personality to see what they like, they don't like, and how they behave to ensure safe, appropriate actions by your child," Kunkel explains.

"However, if this is taken to the extreme and your child does not have the ability to learn how others react and interact, we are setting our children up for failure in communication and relationship building when they are older," Kunkel adds.

Sometimes, that means taking a step back from your child's social life. Not entirely, of course, but you also don't have to be present at every single event.

Making the choice to not chaperone everything also gives your kids the chance to learn how to trust other adults, like teachers, coaches and other parents.

"Helicopter parents have a deep sense of insecurity and anxiety, usually relating back to their relationship with their parents," Sparks says. "This insecurity can look like a lack of trust in others as caregivers. Helicopter parents may also have a deep sense of needing to be needed and, therefore, are very protective and even territorial around parenting decisions. Helicopter parents have a difficult time trusting others with caregiving decisions for their children."

What to do instead: Chaperone your child's school- or activity-related events every once in a while, taking turns with other parents, teachers and trusted adult figures.

12. You do their laundry for them

Generally speaking (depending on your child's own personal development), kids can learn to do their laundry as young as eight years old.

"[It] robs your child of a basic life skill that allows them to be fully independent of others," Dr. Cook says of not teaching kids to do their own laundry. "Parents can supervise their child doing laundry until they feel satisfied that their child won't 'ruin' anything and 'gets it.'"

What to do instead: Start by supervising your child as they learn how to do the laundry. As Dr. Cook advises, you can reduce the supervision once you feel confident your child knows what they're doing, won't ruin clothes and won't cause an overflow of suds.

Next up, experts explain why apologizing to kids is important.

Sources

• Dr. Bethany Cook, author of For What It’s Worth – A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting Ages 0-2

• Kyle Kunkel, LCPC, with Thriveworks in Baltimore, specializes in child development, parenting, stress, anxiety and self-esteem

• Jacob Sparks, LMFT, Embark Behavioral Health Treatment Director