13 Ways To Be a Good Mom That Make a Lasting Difference, According to Experts
Expert-backed tips for being the best mom you can be in 2023.
Parenting these days is a trip. We live in one of the only countries without mandatory paid leave. Childcare options are limited and disgustingly expensive.
As for the village—what village? It can feel like you're on an island by yourself, especially if you have strained relations with your parents or they live far away.
So where do we turn? Instagram, Facebook groups and TikTok, where we're met with a sea of keyboard warriors telling us we're doing sleeping and feeding wrong.
This brings me to my next point: Parenting styles have changed over the years. It's easy to block "user941456" on Instagram. It's harder to block Aunt Sally on Facebook, who can't believe you do timeouts. But... you also tried to follow all those carefully-worded gentle-parenting scripts you saw on Instagram that...don't seem to work IRL?
It's a lot.
"Oftentimes, moms question their parenting methods and wonder if their child’s behavior is abnormal if a technique is not working," says Lynsey Retzlaff, LCSW, a mental health professional and a working mom of two children. "If moms don’t talk about parenting strategies, they are left to their own devices and their own perceptions, which may be limited [to] their experience. By talking about these issues, moms don’t feel alone and their experiences are normalized."
But not to lean in (dirty phrase?) to toxic positivity, but you're probably doing a great job—even if you're struggling after four nights of bedtime battles. Ideally, you wouldn't need a news article to tell you how to be a good mom or validate that you are one. But given the current situation, it's understandable that you do.
A pair of mental health providers and mothers shared how to be a good mom.
Related: 13 Things Teachers *Absolutely* Wish Parents Knew
13 Ways To Be a Good Mom, According to Therapists Who Are Moms
1. Heal Your Inner Child
You enter parenting with baggage.
"Moms may have had needs when they were a child that were unmet by caregivers, which can negatively impact their perception of life and ability to have healthy relationships, especially with their children," says Retzlaff. "You can think of these unmet needs as parts of ourselves that guide our decision-making, relationships and belief systems—sometimes without much awareness."
A common clue that you have some healing to do is feeling triggered when your child shows emotion. Retzlaff says people who were disciplined as children for showing negative feelings struggle with this issue.
"They may become emotionally dysregulated or angry when their own child shows anger or sadness," Retzlaff says.
When you feel yourself becoming dysregulated, flip the script.
"Validate your feelings by saying, 'This need is important. It may not have been prioritized by others in the past, and it is still important,'" Retzlaff says, adding that therapy can also be very helpful for a mom's healing process.
2. Evaluate Your Childhood
Childhood experiences vary, even across siblings. Whether you're seeking healing or not, one expert recommends thinking back to what you liked and didn't like about your own parent's approach to raising you.
"I have met several clients who have had nurturing, accepting relationships with their mothers," says Shari Botwin, LCSW, author of Thriving After Trauma: Stories of Living and Healing and single mother by choice. "In those cases, implementing similar strategies can enhance your relationship with your children."
Of course, Botwin also sees the opposite.
"A variety of people have told me, 'I would never want to be like my parents,'" Botwin explains. "These are people who felt shamed, belittled or... unloved by their parents."
As the mom, you get to decide parenting strategies (along with partners, if applicable). You may find you do a mix, re-using what you liked about your childhood and avoiding tactics that didn't resonate.
"Making choices to be different can be healing and foster a different experience as a parent," Botwin says. "It is important to recognize that finding the gray versus being the complete opposite works best in most families."
3. Don't Take Things Personally
Comments from friends, family and randoms in an "evidence-based" infant sleep group can sting. But sometimes, the most hurtful comments come from our kids.
"Kids say mean things to parents like 'I hate you!'" Retzlaff says. "If taken personally, this can easily increase stress, guilt or shame for the mother. They can start to question if they are doing something wrong."
It's natural to give a knee-jerk response like, "Don't say that! Don't be mean!"
"What the child learns from that phrase is, 'Mommy is mad that I am upset. I can’t be upset,'" Retzlaff explains.
Take a beat.
"Ground yourself by taking a deep breath and saying, 'My child is having a big feeling, and it is valid. The behavior is not OK, but their feeling is,'" Retzlaff says.
4. Teach Your Kids Emotional Regulation Skills
Those aforementioned outbursts that are punctuated by, "I hate you"? They're actually developmentally appropriate. Ditto for tantrums.
"Kids are not born with [emotional regulation] skills," says Retzlaff. "They do not know how to effectively communicate or cope with their feelings."
Teaching a child emotional regulation has a lifelong impact.
"It allows them to be well-rounded adults who can navigate through emotionally difficult situations, be assertive with their needs, and have healthy relationships," Retzlaff says.
There are several ways to teach a child emotional regulation. Your child isn't going to hear you during a tantrum. Once the tantrum has subsided, you can help them learn new coping mechanisms.
"Sit on the floor and model breathing with them," Retzlaff suggests. "Make it fun by asking them to breathe like a dinosaur." They can take a slow, deep breath in and say "Rarr" on the exhale.
5. Validate Your Child
Validation can also help decrease tantrums because it lets the child know they are safe and connected.
"You can say, 'You feel angry that we are turning off the TV. I get it. I feel frustrated when I have to stop fun things too,'" Retzlaff explains. "The key here is to validate the emotion. You are not validating the behavior [such as hitting]."
6. Show Affection
Not everyone came from a loving home, but healing that—and showing your child affection—is a way to break generational cycles.
"Let your children know you love them and stand behind them through hugs or words of endearment," Botwin says.
Meet your child where they are, though. If they don't want to hug you (or Grandma), that's fine.
"Allow your children to have boundaries around physical contact," Botwin says. "It is important to teach our kids to say no when they feel uncomfortable."
7. Teach Your Kids Self-Worth
You think the world of your child. But what do they think of themselves? You may worry they don't feel the same way about themselves, especially if you struggle with low self-esteem.
"At times, we may feel taken advantage of or devalued at home or work," Botwin says.
But you can use these challenges as a way to lead by example.
"Rather than focus on those moments, we can show our children that we will not tolerate this type of treatment and empower ourselves to gain the respect we deserve," Botwin says. "Our children will feel more worthy themselves if they watch us deeming more worth and respect."
For example, you can breathe and kindly but firmly ask your boss to stop yelling at you over a small mistake on a Zoom call with your child in earshot.
8. Remember: You Matter
Motherhood can feel like an endless to-do list. It's a selfless act, and there's nothing wrong with admitting that. But it's also OK to admit you have needs too. Your kids will be better off.
"We can’t be there for someone else if our tanks are on empty," Retzlaff says. "When moms prioritize their own needs, they reduce their stress levels, have a more positive outlook on situations and life, and develop an identity outside of their family."
Botwin agrees.
"Carve out time in a day to take a walk, call friends, go out to coffee, read a book, take a yoga class or, in my world, hop on the Peloton," Botwin says. "The more time we give to ourselves, the more available we are for our families.
9. Make a Schedule
Note: This doesn't mean your kid has to follow sleep-wake windows meticulously. But having a planner or writing out a to-do list can be useful.
"This increases the likelihood that goals and tasks will get done and gives you the opportunity to include your needs too," Retzlaff says. "Get out a calendar, and write down when you are going to complete the goal. Schedule other less important priorities next."
10. Get Comfortable With the Word "No"
Motherhood can feel like a constant juggling act. Soccer, birthday parties, in-laws who want free-reign on when they "drop in to say hello" (and critique your parenting).
You are allowed to say no to any of the above.
"Moms are heroes in their own right, and they are still human," Retzlaff says. "Many mothers feel guilty when they say no to others. It’s important to keep your limited time engaged in areas you value."
Saying no allows you to say yes to something you actually want to do.
11. Challenge Mom Guilt
Mom guilt is real. We're our own biggest critics—even bigger than the kid who just said, "I hate you, Mommy."
"Guilt can be increased by thoughts we tell ourselves [things like], 'I’m not a good parent,' 'I don’t know what I’m doing' and 'I should be working less so I can be with my kids more,'" Retzlaff says.
But these thoughts probably aren't true, and going around thinking they are is harmful.
"If you believe your negative thoughts are a reality, it will increase guilt, shame, sadness, stress and anxiety," Retzlaff says.
Flip the internal script with affirmations.
"You can say, 'I am a good parent because I ask for help when I don’t know something,'" Retzlaff suggests. "Repetition is needed for the new, factual thoughts to become a belief system that matches how you feel."
12. Practice Daily Gratitude
"Since life with children has many ups and downs, over time, our view on the day-to-day tasks can seem boring, tiresome and routine," Retzlaff says. "These thoughts and feelings can decrease our mood."
Try to find positives and silver linings to lift your mood, which can have a ripple effect on how you show up for your child.
"Saying gratitude on a consistent basis can not only help us automatically view unexpected situations in a positive light with repetition, but gratitude can also act as a positive 'emotional bank deposit' when we need it most," Retzlaff says.
Related: Why Apologizing to Your Kids Is Important—Plus, Therapists Explain How To Do It Effectively
13. Find Support and Ask for Help
The proverbial village is hard to come by these days. But you don't have to do this motherhood thing alone.
"Times are crazy and overwhelming for most of us," Botwin says. "There are some weeks when I find myself calling or texting a friend almost every day because I do not know how I want to handle a situation. We need people to listen to us too. We need to know that we are not alone in our feelings."
Don't be too afraid or too proud to ask for help—you deserve it and will be a better parent for reaching out.
"That helps us make better choices and learn from past mistakes," Botwin says. "Form your village. One for your children and one for you."
Sources
Lynsey Retzlaff, LCSW, a mental health professional and a working mom of two children.
Shari Botwin, LCSW, author of Thriving After Trauma: Stories of Living and Healing
