14 Behaviors to Ditch To Be a More Likeable Person, According to Psychologists
We all want to know that we matter to someone, somewhere. Whether at your workplace, school, or interacting with friends and family, it’s good to know that your existence means something. Plus, it’s no secret that we all want to be liked.
Across the mental health community, you’ll find different versions of what this means. Most guides for "how to be more likeable" also emphasize the idea that it’s “totally under your control.” And yes, you control the thoughts, behaviors and emotions you present to others in your environment, but you can’t control how another person perceives them.
A good example is the likability paradox, which points out the double standard in likability (especially in the workplace) between men and women. In the words of Alicia Mendez in her book The Likability Trap: How to Break Free and Succeed as You Are, “To succeed, women must be likeable, but likeable women are seen as less competent, and the more successful and competent a woman becomes, the less she is seen as likeable.” These gendered stereotypes can influence a person’s bias (something totally out of our control), limiting the ability to control likability in a professional setting.
From personality traits to how a person dresses to how they act, there are many suggestions for making yourself more palatable to the public. However, sometimes, it’s easier to identify what you can stop doing.
I, a licensed therapist, worked with two other licensed clinical psychologists to create a list of 14 behaviors to avoid to be a more likeable person (and strategies to help you stop them) that are realistic and applicable to a broader audience.
Related: 10 Phrases To Replace Saying 'Sorry' as a Reflex, According to a Therapist
14 Behaviors to Ditch To Be a More Likeable Person
“We all have behaviors and patterns that can lead us towards unhealthy or unsatisfying relationships,” Victoria Latifses, a licensed psychologist, says. “Taking an inventory of our behavior can help us to change the source of what is leading us in the wrong direction.”
Ready to start? Use this list to create your inventory.
1. Thinking the World Revolves Around You
Do you ever catch yourself getting wrapped up in your mind? Constantly believing the world revolves around you can make you seem self-centered in relationships with other people, which, according to Robert Yeilding, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, is “when one person’s needs are prioritized over others, and expectations of the relationship are inequitable.”
People appreciate when you demonstrate empathy and consideration for their feelings because it shows you truly care about them. To become more likable, stop being the center of your world and start immersing yourself in other people’s.
Related: Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships
2. Letting Your Boundaries Slip
Maintaining healthy boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for your mental health, especially if you’re a people pleaser. If you don’t, you risk oversharing personal information and overstepping other people’s boundaries. However, if you do, you can create a positive and comfortable social presence (and become more liked).
You also shouldn’t defend your boundaries, according to Latifses. Instead, “State your true feelings, preferences and needs. If these aren’t being respected and you find yourself withdrawing, trying to control, rationalizing, or feeling frustrated, reassess your priorities,” she says.
3. Not Giving What You’re Getting
Reciprocity is important. And when it's not present, Yeilding explains that's when someone “doesn’t reciprocate the time, availability and support” needed in a relationship.
If you constantly take more than you give, people may start to see you as selfish and opportunistic—or even worse, assume you’re taking advantage of them. By ditching this behavior and being supportive and generous, you can become more valued by your peers.
Related: 8 Types of Toxic Friends You Should Cut Out of Your Life, According to Psychotherapists
4. Assuming Everything
It’s easy to get in the habit of assuming, especially with people you know well. But at some point, you must reflect and understand that you don’t know everything at some point. Even if the person’s actions or perspectives are predictable, that doesn’t mean you have the right to assume.
Practice active listening to truly absorb the details of a conversation and be more present in the moment. For example, if you always assume rejection when something goes wrong, try to see the situation from another person’s perspective. After all, Latifses says, “It isn’t always about us.”
5. Being a “Yes-Person”
Always saying yes to everything may feel accommodating, but it’s really not. Blindly agreeing to whatever anyone asks of you can give off the vibe that you’re insincere. Learning to say no when you need to is a handy skill that extends beyond likeability. Latifses echoes this, saying, “A ‘no’ honors a limit and a boundary, as well as the respect we have for ourselves.”
Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros
6. Taking Things Too Seriously
Have you ever been told you’re too serious? While this comment is aggravating, especially if you tend to be more stoic, it’s worth listening to.
Confucius said, “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated,” and that’s the truth. Avoid becoming too uptight about a situation by finding the right balance between seriousness and silliness. Not only will this make you seem more approachable and flexible, but it can also help you connect with others on a more personal level.
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm Your Inner-Critic, According to Therapists
7. Staying Glued to Your Phone
Whether alone at home or out with people, put down your phone and engage with something off-screen. If you’re glued to your phone, it makes you seem distant, distracted or disinterested. This avoids putting unnecessary strain on your eyes (goodbye blue-light damage!) and your relationships with others. Being fully present in a conversation and off social media lets others know that you’re interested in the conversation.
8. Having a “Switzerland” Take on Everything
Say you’re in the middle of a tense conversation between friends. They’re arguing about where to eat dinner, and you’re the deciding factor. If your first reaction is to say, “It doesn’t matter to me,” you may tend to remain neutral in conflict.
While taking a “Switzerland” approach may serve you well in some situations, constantly avoiding taking a stance or expressing your opinion can make you seem unsupportive. To change this behavior, be willing to express your thoughts and values while still respecting other people’s perspectives.
Related: 15 Phrases to Politely End a Conversation, According to Psychologists
9. Getting Addicted to Approval
Sometimes, we depend on others to validate our experiences, thoughts and beliefs. However, this reliance on constant outside approval is exhausting for you and those around you. Ditching this behavior and learning how to validate yourself can help you become more confident, independent, and, in turn, more approachable and likeable.
Related: 6 Ways Being a People-Pleaser Can Ruin Your Relationships, According to Therapists
10. Being a Chatterbox
Talking too much isn’t just something you got in trouble for in grade school. Adults are just as guilty of being chatterboxes as children and are sometimes even more so. But interrupting and talking over people during a conversation immediately signals that whatever they’re saying is less important than what you have to say.
If you’re dominating the conversation so much that others can’t get a word in, it’s time to take a deep breath and practice active listening. To eliminate this behavior, be intentional about what you say and give yourself time to process everything during the conversation.
11. Taking the Road to Rudeness
We all have bad days; however, there shouldn’t be a constant thunderstorm in your mind that causes you to be rude to others. Not only can this drive people away and damage relationships, but it also can give you an extremely negative reputation.
Think about it: Would you want to be around someone who’s always disrespectful to you? I wouldn’t! Choosing kindness is the best option in most situations, particularly when you want to foster positive and healthy connections with others.
Related: 16 Things People With a Really Positive Outlook on Life Often Say, According to a Psychologist
12. Constantly Complaining
On the same note, constantly complaining is another behavior to ditch if you want to be more likeable. Excessively airing your grievances is draining and unpleasant for everyone around you and can affect your mental health. “Don’t make demands,” Latifses says, “instead make requests.” By focusing on solutions rather than problems, turn your negativity into positivity, or at least neutrality.
13. Using Unnecessary Sarcasm
If you’re sarcastic, you probably use it frequently in conversations. But how do you know when to use it and when not to? I encourage my clients to think of sarcasm as sprinkles on an ice cream cone. Adding just the right amount can show off your humorous, light-hearted side, but adding too much could lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Learn to use sarcasm judiciously and consider the impact of your words on others to improve your likeability.
Related: 15 Phrases to Politely End a Conversation, According to Psychologists
14. Not Keeping an Open Mind
Have you ever been accused of being stuck in your ways or told you needed to be more open to new ideas? If so, you’re probably dealing with a closed-minded attitude. This and constant defensiveness can push people away because it suggests you’re unwilling to accept feedback or admit you’re wrong. Getting rid of closed-mindedness is crucial to becoming more likeable because it allows you to become more receptive to diverse perspectives and alternative viewpoints. It also shows humility, which is an important skill for everyone to have.
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
What makes a person instantly more likeable?
In a perfect world, we’d all be given a manual telling us exactly how to make us instantly likeable. But remember, likeability is subjective. What works for someone else might not work for you. Yielding says, “We all have our own unique communication and attachment styles, preferences, and aspects of a relationship to provide feelings of affirmation and love,” each of which we have to account for when we think about likeability to others. He also re-emphasizes that likeability is “relative,” but the “core habits of engendering trust, putting people at ease…and consistently present” can foster it in relationships.
There is, however, one universal signal that alerts us that someone is likeable—authenticity. The more “you” you are, the higher the likelihood that others will pick up that you’re a genuine person.
Latifses encourages people not to hide from themselves. “Instead, embrace courage and bravery to look at any self-worth issues that need exploring. Heal your inner critic if it is unrelenting.”
Next: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists
