15 Helpful Phrases To Say to Someone Going Through Divorce
Woman comforting her friend who's going through a divorce
Someone you know just dropped some news: their marriage is ending. Whether or not you expected it, knowing what to say to someone going through a divorce is tough.
"When it comes to finding the right words to say to someone going through a divorce, often people stumble because they want to support their loved one, but culturally, divorce has been stigmatized and shamed," says Olivia Dreizen Howell, the CEO and co-founder of the divorce registry, Fresh Starts Registry.
While divorce may carry a negative connotation, it's still common. Recent data from the Census Bureau indicates that about 30 percent of marriages end in divorce. When people are losing a life partner and going through such a massive breakup, they need the rest of their village to step up.
"People going through a divorce need their friends—friends like you—to support them," says Dr. Carl Nassar, Ph.D., LPC, a professional counselor.
Words can provide that support—or send someone for a loop during a major life transition. Experts helped you fill in the blanks with the best things to say to someone going through a divorce.
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Should You Say Congratulations for a Divorce?
Know your audience. "For the most part, it wouldn’t be appropriate to say congratulations," says Alana Carvalho, LMHC, who specializes in relationships.
There are exceptions, though.
"It would only be appropriate to say this in an instance where you knew your friend or loved one was really struggling to get out of the relationship and finally did it," Carvalho says. "[It's also acceptable] if you can tell they feel really positively about going through with the divorce."
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15 Phrases To Help Decide What To Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce
1. "How do you see yourself moving forward?"
When someone tells you they're divorcing, it's not necessary to pretend like you have all of the answers. In fact, one expert prefers asking questions.
"I tend to ask questions instead of only making blanket statements to avoid wrong assumptions," says Dr. Jenn Kennedy, Ph.D., LMFT, the founder of Riviera Therapy and The Pleasure Project.
2. "How are you feeling?"
Dr. Nassar also likes questions, and this simple one is broadly applicable.
"Our culture teaches us to hide our wounds and vulnerability," Dr. Nassar says. "Don’t be surprised if you get a quick, 'I’m OK'—and don’t necessarily believe it."
Still, this question opens the door for honest conversation in the moment or down the road.
3. "I see how hard this is."
Dr. Nassar likes this supportive phrase as a follow-up to "How are you feeling?" It's incredibly validating if the person opens up that they are having a difficult time.
4. "Your family will look different, but you will create a new normal."
Dr. Kennedy likes this phrase for a person in the middle of a custody battle. It's uplifting but honest, avoiding toxic positivity.
5. "I’m here for you."
Divorce can be complicated. Your response to news of one doesn't need to be.
"We simply want to let the other person know that we’re here whenever they may be in need of additional support," Carvalho says.
6. "What is the hardest part for you?"
Dr. Kennedy suggests asking this of a person going through an unexpected divorce and having a tough time with it.
"Responding to the news of divorce can be tricky because it’s likely a complicated, layered situation that isn’t easily captured in a simple comment," Dr. Kennedy says.
This prompt can clue you into what to say next, such as an offer for a specific kind of help.
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7. "Thank you for sharing this with me. You are an amazing and strong person, and I know you will get through this, and you are not alone."
Howell recommends this script for someone who feels blindsided by a divorce.
"You want to say this if someone's ego was very hurt and to remind them that they are not alone and fully supported as they go through this process," she says.
8. "Let’s go have fun together."
Perhaps the person prefers a spa day on the town to a couch session.
"Maybe you realize your friend just needs time to relax and unwind," says Dr. Nassar. "If that’s the case, go play together."
9. "Let me know when or if you’re ready to talk about it."
Maybe you heard the news through the grapevine. Even someone who lets you know themselves may not want to dig into the details.
"We don’t want to push the other person to tell us what happened but instead let them know that we’re here whenever they’re ready," Carvalho says.
10. "I can imagine this is really challenging for you."
This phrase doesn't push a person to "look on the bright side" and acknowledges a person's feelings.
"Sometimes, just validating the difficult experience they’re going through can allow the other person to feel seen," Carvalho says.
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11. "Congratulations on making such a brave decision."
Howell suggests this phrase for a friend who is excited about their choice. She suggests following it with: "I know it wasn't easy, but you are worthy of every wonderful thing in this world. Divorce is a gift, and you will come out of this stronger and more powerful than ever before. I love you so much, and I'm so proud of you."
"This is a great and uplifting message to share with a friend in text, email, phone or in person to remind them that they are making a brave decision and will come out stronger," Howell adds. "It focuses on the positive."
12. "Take a breath, and sit down."
If your friend was literally just served papers, Howell suggests starting with this phrase.
"Getting served divorce papers is really scary and can be triggering, as there is legal jargon involved that may be really confusing, and legal documents are never fun when they include your children or house," Howell says.
From there, you might offer to help by Googling lingo and assuring your friend they'll find a team to support them.
"This script is really helpful in grounding a friend who was just served papers and reminding them that they are not alone and you will be there to support them through the process," Howell explains.
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13. “Let’s just sit here, and I’ll hold your hand."
Extending a hand is a way to offer comfort.
"Use this phrase when you realize your friend has a lot of feelings, big feelings, and those feelings have chosen just this moment to surface," Dr. Nassar says.
14. “I am so excited for you."
Despite the stigma, divorce can be a good thing.
"If your friend has arrived in a place where they feel excited about the world of possibilities that awaits them, you want your friend to know that you’ll join them in this brave new world of possibility," Dr. Nassar explains.
15. "You’re not alone."
A person may feel lonely during a divorce, but experts share it's a good idea to let them know you have their back.
"Sometimes, when it feels like our worlds are falling apart, what we most need to hear is that we don’t have to go through it all by ourselves," Dr. Nassar says. "Remind them of that."
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What *Not* To Say to Someone Going Through Divorce
Avoid projecting.
"You don’t want to initiate a dialogue with words that tell your divorcing friend how he or she should feel," Dr. Nassar says. "You wouldn’t want to begin by telling someone something like, 'Well, that’s behind you now. Time to move on.'"
Dr. Nassar also advises against any phrase that starts with "You should feel."
While you're at it, resist the urge to advise a person to second-guess their decision.
"If someone is trusting you with their divorce announcement, it is not your job to shame them or project your thoughts of divorce onto them," Howell says. "Your job is to simply honor their brave decision and hold space for them."
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